Maybe I'm Lying To Myself

I can't tell you how many times I say things like 'I'm fine', 'I didn't sleep well last night', or other creative lies about how I am doing, physically and mentally. Sometimes these are lies, to myself and to those who I am speaking.

Over at The Mighty, which is an awesome website for people with health issues. I only found it recently but immediately signed up for their emails. (That says something in itself because I think I spend more time unsubscribing from email lists than anything else these days.)They say:

"The Mighty is a digital health community created to empower and connect people facing health challenges and disabilities."

I think that criteria might include me. Today's email talked about how people dealing with depression or other mental health challenges by hiding behind some statements about how they really feel. And what they are hiding is that they need help. I do admit to dealing with depression and anxiety. But with my health issues, who wouldn't be depressed and anxious?

So I disagree with their statement that these only apply to those with mental issues but with physical ones as well. I use them all the time. I could add a few such as 'another day not pushing up the daisies'.... Their statements are:

1. “I’m not feeling well.”

2. “Well, I’m alive!”

3. “I didn’t sleep well last night.”

4. “Eh, you know.”

5. “It’s too much.”

6. “I’m exhausted.”

7. “I’m just out of it today.”

8. “I’m fine.”

9. “I’m bored.”

10. “I’m having an ‘off day.’”

11. “I’m hanging in there.”

12. “I’ve been listening to music a lot today.”

13. “I don’t want to be alone.”

14. “I’m all good, don’t worry about it.”

15. “I just can’t today.”

But go read the full article here. And subscribe to The Mighty if you think it might help you too.

A lovely few days

Its been a lovely few days. Wednesday I was in so much pain from my back, arm, and a headache I left work early. Thursday I had an 'oh so fun' back procedure and my headache hung around. Friday I didn't do much and my back hurt in recovery from the procedure and I still had a headache. Friday night I spent some quality time in the bathroom. Saturday I didn't do much of anything.

In the meantime all sorts of thoughts crossed my mind as only someone with multiple ailments can have:

• Could my headache be the first signs of a brain tumor?
• Why did I throw up? Was it something I ate? Was it a reaction to my medications? Did I develop an allergy to another medication (not for the first time)?
• Could my headache be the first signs of a brain tumor?
• When will I feel better? I have to go to work on Monday.

Then I woke up this morning and felt fine! What the difference a day can make. So today I get to go to a brunch with a bunch of friends I never get to see. But then I promise to come home and go to bed early.

That niggling little thought

I love watching 'Chasing Life'. It brings up all the issues that us cancer people have to cope with and its about young people with cancer. I can relate, I just didn't have the support group they have.

This week's show was about that recurrence thing. Where April deals with recurrence issues. She gets a bloody nose and then a bruise and then the anxiety and the depression when a friend gets a recurrence. And there's more that I wont share so you go watch it. (Great show.)

But if you have ever been diagnosed cancer you can relate to that recurrence thing. The 'what if' or, actually the 'when', depending on your cancer's stage. Living with cancer means learning to cope with the niggling little thought of recurrence.

Face it, that is what we are all doing. We are all trying to manage that niggling little thought so we can live our lives as best we can. And that's all we can do.

A peek at life with cancer

It took a new study to confirm what all of us living with cancer know - its still scary years and decades later. The study said that for the first few years after a cancer diagnosis patients cope with depression but then it turns to a much longer bout with anxiety. Why you ask? Because there is no guarantee it won't come back.


This study also looked at anxiety in both patients and their caregivers. The caregivers also tend to cope with anxiety.

If you have some sort of other chronic illness such as rheumatoid arthritis or fibromyalgia or many others, patients tend to deal with it as a chronic illness. Cancer patients also deal with it as a chronic illness but its also a chronic threat because there is no way to control or prevent it from coming back or showing up with a new cancer some place else.

How pleasant.

It took this fancy research study to tell me something I know well, 32 years later, that it still looms over me. In 2005, 24 years after my first diagnosis, I had millions of uterine fibroids that resulted in a hysterectomy. I expressed my concerns to the surgeon that I had had cancer before and was concerned about more cancer. Her reply 'fibroids usually are benign but to be sure we slice and dice them to make sure' left me feeling better about it. But I had been concerned enough to ask.

In 2007 with my breast cancer diagnosis, I started the roller coaster again. But full of little tips and reminders, that because it was my second cancer at such a young age (never say that to patients please), I got extra tests and exams as a special perk.

Years of going to doctors who say things like 'with your medical history, we need to be sure', while reassuring it does reinforce the possibility of cancer looming.

So now I shouldn't worry about depression but only the anxiety and wait for a guarantee.