I Am Rebelling

Sometimes I need to let my inner rebel out and stop being such a good patient. I usually try to be a good patient (and go to my appointments, take my meds as prescribed, talk to my doctors honestly and generally do what they want me to). But not right now.

Last fall I was told I have sleep apnea and my doctors want me to have a CPAP machine for sleeping. I got my CPAP machine and hate it. I can't stand having anything on my face while I sleep. I am on my second mask and still cannot deal with it. I wake up and want to rip it off my face. If I sleep with the mask on, I don't ever feel rested and have the weirdest dreams.

I went back to my NP for the sleep department yesterday to talk about how I am doing with my (damn) CPAP machine. She said that because of the problems I am having, I could go to a plastic surgeon and they would do some kind of 'adjustment' and then I wouldn't need a machine. (The idea of any kind of surgery like that makes my skin crawl.) Since I have rheumatoid arthritis, no one wants to operate on me because I will not heal well. So we nixed that idea.

My next step is to go see the sleep clinic for CPAP mask for desensitization therapy to get used to the (damn) mask. I am not sure this is going to work for me. I have already tried everything from taking naps with the mask, wearing it when not trying to sleep and just resting, but its not working.

If I fall asleep with it, I end up taking it off shortly afterward because I can't sleep with it. And the whole point of a CPAP machine is to sleep better. I haven't slept better with it at all. And I got it at the end of January.

This is a long way of saying that, while I am willing to actually try a little more to get used to the (damn) mask, I am running out of patience and am not going to try that hard based on two months of treatment so far. Frankly, I do not expect the machine to work for me at all. So my inner rebel is saying, while I will give it a try, I am done making a giant effort.

The (damn) mask has been hanging on the back of the bathroom door for a couple of weeks. It is staying there until they explain the desensitivity therapy to me and I get to try it.

I know apnea leaves to all sorts of issues including fatigue, sleepiness, weight gain, snoring, etc. I also know that I really hate the (damn) mask.

More Ailments

So yesterday I blogged about my stupid sleep test, CPAP machines, and other whininess. I wrote that I have a new ailment, and what's another ailment. But seriously, another ailment? I don't really want another ailment. In fact, I am kind of sick of being sick and having ailments and more ailments.

Honestly I just want to stop having ailments, be a healthy person, and and have a life. I mean what do I do now? I go to the gym three times a week. I go to doctor appointments and PT now. I don't go to work. The only other places I go regularly are the library, grocery store, and knitting group.

I would prefer to do thinks like go to the beach, go hiking, go skiing or snow shoeing, garden more. I just feel like whining today.  And my car was sliding around in the snow.

I did my sleep test with the CPAP machine. The tech was happy to show me how much smaller the full face mask was that I got instead of the older bigger ones. I don't care. I felt like I was back in the hospital after surgery with the cannula and a combination of when I had an endoscopy and had to deal with that damn tube down my throat. Needless to say, I wasn't comfortable. I couldn't reach over and have a sip of water when I wanted.

I am not looking forward to when my damn CPAP arrives and I have to use it. Whine over. For now.

Managing That Sleep Thing

Yesterday I got to my last craft show of the season. I got set up and then sat down in my booth to regroup before the show started. I was nice and warm and I started to fall asleep. At 9 o'clock in the morning. In front of hundreds of people. Several times during the day, I had to get up and walk around (and steal fudge samples from the booth next to me for the caffeine) to stay awake.

Why do I get so tired? One of the many reasons is the fatigue caused by my fibromyalgia (and its insomnia) and rheumatoid, to a lesser degree. It also turns out I have been diagnosed with sleep apnea which causes me not to sleep very well. (What's another ailment along with all the others? I have stopped keeping count.)

Because of my reports to my primary care that I get so tired sometimes I can't stay awake and  need to nap extensively, she sent me for a sleep test back in September. It came back with reports of Apnea. So tonight I am going to another sleep test, to try out a CPAP machine. (I am so excited, I can't wait.)

If I end up with a CPAP that has a giant mask on it, I won't be happy. I think the new ones have something under your nose only. I don't think I can sleep with a big mask on my face.

At this point, I would be happy with a good night's sleep regularly.