That Drama Queen Friend

And this can apply to males as well. But we all have the drama queen friend who spends hours/days/weeks/months agonizing over their latest ailment - a bunion, or a boil, or a blister, or whatever they have.

Maybe they got new shoes that caused their feet to develop problems or they tripped and slightly skinned their knee (and ruined a pair of brand new tights). They are in agony with every step. There was so much blood. And it still hurts three days later. I am not trying to minimize real injuries or ailments but just the ones who act like they are on an episode of the "Kardashians" or "Jersey Shore" with every incident.

I know people like this. I think we all do. In comparison, those of us with chronic ailments start to wonder if we are hypochondriacs because we are constantly at the doctor's office or on the phone with them because of our latest issue.

I read this article over on RheumatoidArthritis.Net on the influence of these friends on our own thoughts about ourselves. And it made me think. I often wonder if I am getting to be such a hypochondriac because I do spend so much time at the doctors.

I do know people who are basically healthy. One woman I used to work with scheduled all her doctor appointments in one week each year to get them over with and she never went to the doctor any other time. (To be honest, I am jealous.) But I know a few drama queens who make me feel like a hypochondriac. They may go to the doctor a lot but its not for anything chronic or potentially terminal.

But I go to the doctor all the time. I think I would prefer to be a drama queen than a hypochondriac.

Up and Down, Again

Everyone has ups and downs in their life, especially with their health. Or maybe I have more ups and downs than the average person.  Okay, maybe my health has been on a downward slide for a while few years now.

However, I realized the other day that I was actually feeling pretty well for the first time in quite a while. I mean my back has been sore but the rest of me has actually been doing okay. Its kind of nice actually. And it makes me think how long its been since I felt that well.

I had been feeling as if I was over-medicated in some ways for the past few years. I changed my pain management doctor and had reduced some medications over the past six months, with the help of my new doctor. I also finally am on a new medication for my rheumatoid. Finally, I think I am finally healed from my knee surgery. I think I also had a case of the flu in mid December (but I had gotten a flu shot so it wasn't that bad.)

All of those combined were apparently wearing on me.  But now I feel pretty good. I was considering talking to my husband about going for a walk with him this weekend. But that didn't last long.

For the past couple of days, I realized I have been feeling pretty well. This morning I had a lot of energy. I even was planning my social life for once. After the gym today, I went to the library. After I left the library, I realized I had to go pick up my prescriptions (again). All of a sudden I was exhausted. I didn't even have the energy to bring in the empty trash barrels. I dragged myself into the house and ate some food which helped. But now I am lying in bed. Probably for the rest of the afternoon.

Tomorrow will probably be similar. Up and down. If I get a fairly good night's sleep, there will be more up than down. But overall I am feeling better mostly.

More Bacon Bad News

I learned back in 2016 that bacon is not good for fibromyalgia. That was very sad. Now I have learned that bacon, or other processed meats like sausage, can increase your risk of getting breast cancer significantly.

"From an analysis of more than 260,000 women, researchers found that the risk of breast cancer increased by more than a fifth for those who consumed more than 9 grams of processed meats per day, which is the equivalent of around two sausages per week.

However, the team found no link between red meat intake and the risk of breast cancer."

Well that's good news about red meat. But I would rather have bacon than red meat most of the time. And two sausages or three pieces of bacon is all it takes to increase your risk. 

I am mostly unhappy that yes I can get cancer twice and still have to quit eating some of my favorite foods to help prevent another diagnosis. That's not fair. 

My Cholesterol Improved

I have no idea what I did but my cholesterol is much better than it was a year ago. I don't know what I have done differently with my diet (I thought I had adopted a whole bunch of bad eating habits) but my total cholesterol dropped more than 50 points in the last year. Maybe I need a burger and fries for lunch today...

That was the good news. The bad news is I have referrals to three different types of doctors - ENT, eyes, and a pharmacotherapist.

The pharmacotherapist is going to review all the meds I am on. I like that idea. I have so many medications from so many doctors. My PCP is concerned about too many interact and why I am on them and how can we get rid of some. Finally someone is taking a look. One big part of the problem is my previous pain management doctor would just increase my meds without explaining or change to a new med with no explanation. Now my new pain management guy is actually talking about reducing some meds and has changed some already.

My PCP told me that a lot of my weird numbers like heart rate and others can be screwed up by all my medications. She sent me for a pile of bloodwork and an EKG since my last one wasn't so great.

So I thought it went well. I even lost 5 lbs. But I forgot to ask her one key question. Damn. I'll send her a message later.

So after cancer, I like this kind of doctor appointment. She looked at my big picture and can't find any reason I might drop dead tomorrow.

I've Been Sliding

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I have been lazy this summer and taking it easy - in terms of not taking care of myself as much as I should. Why not? Summer time is nice weather. There is no snow and ice to trip me up. I usually feel better during the summer. But just because I feel better doesn't mean I can stop taking care of myself.

With every doctor appointment, there are the reminders to eat healthy, blah, blah, blah. I usually reinforce my intentions. 

But I have been sliding, I have been lazy and haven't been taking care of myself. I have been pushing myself too much and not resting enough. I haven't been eating right - wine and candy have been part of my diet. And they should be. Never mind fried clams and french fries. (But they are my favorite and I only eat them in the summer.)

So now that fall is almost here (and the temperature has been in the 40s the past few nights) its time to clean up my act. First of all, I have tons of tomatoes in my garden that I need to eat. I should start eating more of them before the first frost. There are also some green beans out there and more zucchini, cucumbers, and peppers. So lots of veggies just waiting for me.

Second of all, all these sugars (wine and candy) need to stop. I need to stop them and maybe I'll even lose some weight (very helpful). I could stop carbs all together but since I like bread too much). 

So I will reinforce my intentions and try to do better. It would be nice to be healthy person and have more leeway in my diet.

Once Upon A Time, I Was A Healthy Person

I have many friends who, after cancer, get back to their old lives for the most part. I'm not talking about that 'new normal' bull, but just doing normal things like going back to work, taking part in all their family activities and all sorts of regular, every day life things.

Me, I did not get to go back to my regular life after breast cancer. My body had other plans for me. It decided it was time to fall apart.

After breast cancer, I got gall stones and had my gallbladder out six months after radiation ended. That winter I slipped on the ice, landed on my left hand and started all my lymphedema crap.

The following fall my back started hurting. When I realized I was taking OTC pain meds every day, I went to the doctor. I ended up being diagnosed with degenerating disks among other things. Later I sprained my ankle badly that included bone chips. I also hurt my right knee, again - previously injured skiing in 2001.

That went on fine until three years later when I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia which is a whole barrel of fun. In 2015, I fell in my backyard and managed to tear my ACL in my left knee.

What else? I don't know. I have had basic dental stuff, possible recurrence with thyroid cancer that turned out to be nothing, and I can't remember anything. I have been to PT probably five times for different ailments.

So, I am not a healthy person post cancer. I have a very dilapidated body post two cancers. I must be 'healthy' due to all the medications I take and the doctor appointments that I have. In the first five months of this year, I have had 27 appointments with doctors and dentists.

I'm still here. I may not be the healthy person I once was. But I am here.

Taking A Break

It was our anniversary - marriage, not cancer - so we went away for a long weekend to the beach. In Maine. In April. It was 70 something degrees on Saturday - which is a heat wave there. (One of the weather people on TV said it took him a while to adjust to 80 degrees.) The hotel filled up overnight as a result. This is where we were:

We really needed a few days off to ourselves. Honestly I think its important to spend time together as a couple without distractions. For a good relationship, you need to work on it. You can't expect a happy relationship if you ignore it. We have another trip planned in about three months to keep spending time together.

What did we do? Walk on the beach every day. At least a couple of times, except for this morning when it was 43 degrees and the wind was blowing directly on shore from the 38 degree ocean water so it was freezing cold.

We also explored Portland Maine which is a nice city, ate out, played skee ball and air hockey in an arcade.

Basically I pretended I was a healthy person and enjoyed the outdoors. I may pay the price for this for a few days but I really needed to pretend I could be normal. But I also took a three hour nap the other day which helps me immensely.

Managing Weird Symptoms

So we all get these weird feelings sometimes. Something starts aching, or tingling, or twitching, or pinching, or just not feeling right. We start having little debates with ourselves (where it is perfectly acceptable to talk to yourself, ask yourself questions, and answer yourself back) how long has it been going on, is it that big a deal, do we want to go to the doctor, do we need to get some medical care (if dripping blood, the answer always apply pressure and get to the ER stat). Then we try to make decisions on what to do and when to call the doctor, or not.

Eventually, it goes away or gets better (with or without medical care) and we move on. We might have a scar or a bottle of left over prescription pills and or a pile of bandages we stick in the back of the closet. Or do we move on, can we move on?

I have found that before my second cancer, every medical misadventure just went by the wayside. I didn't overthink anything because it wasn't really that important. Well, I do admit to asking about potential cancer crap because of my first diagnosis once in a while but I never really stressed.

Now I have to institute the five day and two week rules to prevent over-stressing and too many doctor appointments. The time limit means if something is not getting better within the time frame, its time for a doctor. Significant ailments, like extreme pain, very high fever get the five day. Anything else is on the two week rule. If I make myself wait, usually I end up not needing the doctor, or so I make myself think.

Part of relearning to be a semi-normal person after cancer treatment is learning how to handle potential ailments. I cannot let myself fall into the trap where every new symptom is a really BAD thing.

I also have learned that I need to learn to tell the story about any symptom when I get to my doctor (my old PCP taught me this). I shouldn't go to the doctor and say 'this hurts'. I need to go to the doctor and say 'this hurts, for this long, when I do this, and this is what I have done to try to deal with it'.

But with two cancer diagnoses, my tolerance for symptoms is very different. Somethings I tolerate a lot of and somethings I tolerate none of. Its my body and I get a lot of the same reaction from medical professionals - I have a lot going on medically and am not the run of the mill patient. So its up to me to make sure the medical people understand what I need and how to make me feel better (if possible).

Okay, this is a long and whiny post on me and my weird symptoms and how I deal. Frankly, I just want to be healthy again...

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

I always hated that question: what do you want to be when you grow up? Or, the job interview variation, where do you see yourself in five years?

I admit to asking it of potential candidates when interviewing them to find a new employee. I did ask it, not because I cared what they wanted to be or where they saw themselves, because I wanted to see how they responded when put on the spot.

I digress. I finally have an answer to what I want to be when I grow up. I admit it may have taken me a bit. But now I know.

I want to be healthy.

That's it. Is that too much to ask? I don't see it as being unreasonable. I think its a great goal. To be healthy.

The Bad Plan (Part 2)

After moving and I came up with my 'plan' on how I would adapt to moving to a new community and stop working at the same time. But it doesn't seem to work as well now.

For the first months after we moved, I was really busy. I worked on our new house. I painted rooms, I started gardening, I got us settled in. Once you unpack you still have a lot more settling to do.

My house painting skills have improved but I go very slowly. It took me two weeks to paint one hallway. I did one side one week, and the second side the next. I spackle one day, sand the next, wash the walls, tape, and then paint - primer and two coats.... I have to break it up because i can only work for a short period before needing a break. The living room took three weeks.....

I still have more painting to do - dining room (2 walls), kitchen (2 walls), and half the basement. I also have to go back and fix some areas..... This could take me months. I promise I will get to them but some days I look at the amount of exertion required and decide I am simply not up to it.

Therein lies my problem. I get too tired. I can take days to recover from too much exertion. For example, we went some place and had to stand in line for 45 minutes. It took me 3 days to recover. If I go out for a few hours and do anything that requires standing, I come home and lie down. It is not uncommon for me to come in from the gym and the grocery store and be too tired to put away all the groceries, or even carry them inside.

I also want to garden more. Last summer, my husband worked very hard and doubled the size of our garden, significantly reducing the amount of lawn. Then we had a drought so gardening came to an end.

I think part of my problem is winter is long and it greatly limits my activities outside. I do my weaving and knit inside year round but a little fresh air now and then is appreciated.

Right now I just want winter to end so I can do some gardening. In the past, I used to be able go out and enjoy winter - hiking, skiing, snow shoeing, etc - but those have all come to an end.

As winter has dragged on, I have spent more and more time inside, by myself. My husband works full time. I keep meaning to go up to the senior center and meet more people but its 20 minutes away at the farthest end of town. I am a little young for the senior center (I can't join for five more years) but almost all their activities are during the day. I am not up to going out at night.

I have upped my volunteer work and am doing more with the local cancer support center. But I do it all at home by myself.

My plan is falling apart because I spent much more time by myself at home than I ever expected. I also have not met as many new people as I thought I would. You not easy to meet the neighbors if its winter and everyone is hiding inside. Most of our neighbors work full time and have children. I have neither in common.

I have maxed out my knitting and weaving and will continue. This is so I have enough for my craft fair months in the fall. But that's not very interactive.

I also have been having some health problems which further limit my life. My formerly good left knee became my new bad knee a year and a half ago. My formerly bad right knee which is now my 'good' knee and I have been overusing it to compensate for my left knee. It has decided to start locking up and I have already had some fluid drained to help but it will need more work.

On top of that, I have been told I have apnea and need a CPAP machine. So I got one and the mask was not right for me so I had to get a new one. The new mask still doesn't allow me to get a good night's sleep.

Last night for example, I was exhausted and took a sleeping pill. I slept for about 3 hours without my CPAP on, woke up and put it on for a couple of hours. I had the weirdest dreams and felt very restless. I gave up about 330AM and have been up since. (I think I need a nap.)

So the bad plan includes too much isolation, loneliness, and seclusion than I expected. I need to learn better to balance what I can and cannot do with getting out more. I also need to get more sleep period. Lack of sleep can be very serious and it also compounds other issues - both emotional and physical.

I am working on a new plan. But more to come.

Things Are Not Working As Planned

Sometimes, things just don't go as you wanted or expected. Its a fact of life and we need to learn to cope, change directions, and move on.

In the grand scheme of things, my original plans were that would I grow up, go to college, get a job, a career, married, kids, retire to a life of happiness and world travel. Well, we know what happened to that. I got as far as 'go to college' when my health started taking over my life. One little cancer diagnosis has a big emotional impact and it took time to get my life back together.

So I regrouped and started over at college, etc. The job and career went okay. I did eventually got married but it was too late for kids. (We didn't even meet until we were in our forties.) That's fine. We bought a house, traveled, had fun. But then my health took over.

I did get laid off just before my breast cancer diagnosis, and I had already had a hysterectomy because of other health issues since getting married two years before. (And no, getting married did not cause my health to fall apart.)

I regrouped again and started working part time. I got better and got up to two part time jobs that kept me busy between 35-40 hours each week. I was enjoying myself with some travel, some crafts, and mostly keeping my health in check... But not completely. My back was bothering me more and more. That went on for about five years. But I was doing okay.

Then, I was diagnosed with both rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. Both of which are responsible for pain and fatigue and greatly limited my abilities to do much. Neither of which have a cure and rheumatoid is definitely progressive. In six months from diagnosis, I had cut back working to one job at about 15-20 hours each week. Over the next three years, I cut back more and more until I finally reached the decision that I really physically could not work any more.

That was a financial hit that was hard for us. When we purchased our house, we did it based on what we needed at the time and could afford. Our house was going to be our forever house. But because I wasn't working in Boston, never mind at all, it was clear that we did not need to nor afford to live in such an expensive area. And I really needed fewer stairs in my life. Our house was a Cape Cod with bedrooms on the second floor, kitchen etc on the main floor and laundry in the basement. I would sit in the living room and ask myself 'if I went upstairs, how to could I limit the number of times I needed to go back up stairs, maybe not back up stairs until bed time.'

So we came up with the idea that we would move to a one floor house and cut our expenses. That would solve two problems at the same time. It would allow me better quality of life and loosen up our finances.

While we were house hunting, I realized that I needed a plan for my life after we moved. I needed a way to transition from working to being more home bound that I needed to figure out what I was going to do. Our new house is probably 25 minutes away from 'everything' - doctors, gym, family, etc. I decided I could work with that provided I had a plan.

I came up with a plan. Three days a week, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, would be my 'gym, doctor appointments, family visit days'. The other two days, Tuesday and Thursday, I would not drive down to our old neighborhood and do other things in the new neighborhood. I also wanted to see if I could find a cancer support center to volunteer, allowing me to feel like I was 'giving back' and filling my time. I did find a place and started a knitting group. I go every Thursday afternoon and have made new friends. Tuesdays are my day at home and when I can meet friends for lunch or other adventures.

I like my life for the most part now. It works pretty well. I go to the gym three days a week and to my knitting group. I see other friends for lunch. I go to the library and am learning my way around our new neighborhood. But somethings are not working as planned.
[Part 2 is coming]

Resolutions

As the year end approaches, I contemplate my wishes for the coming year. I may be a bit different than most because of my health but here goes:

• I wish for another year without a cancer recurrence or new diagnosis.
• I wish for another year without new significant health issues.
• I wish for approval for social security disability insurance.

I don't think they are big desires but they are important to me. Like to be healthy-ish would be nice. And the disability insurance would help my wallet.

Changes I Can Make

My therapist asked me an interesting question the other day - do I eat specific items that could help with my fibromyalgia? I actually thought about it for a minute. (Me, taking other people's advice???? LOL) An email came through my inbox on foods that are beneficial for people with fibromyalgia - I got as far as seeing bananas on the list and I eat one every day.

However that did prompt me to wonder what other changes I could make to my life to help me in some ways. I had thought that once I left my pastry filled job I would lose a few pounds. I did lose a couple pounds but then they reappeared. This indicates to me that I need to rethink my eating habits because the flab is not going to vaporize as I expected.

I am going to think about making some changes to help me feel better - losing weight will help with other health issues. Here's my list of what I want to work on:

- Food and eating habits. Incorporate more 'good' foods and less 'bad' foods. Good foods are ones which may help with fibro and RA as well as lose weight. Lots of whole grains, fresh fruits and veggies and better home made stuff. The problem with me cooking more is I don't have the energy or the stamina to do much more cooking. I'll have to work on this area and figure things out.

- Exercise. I do go to the gym and get an hour of cardio in three times a week. I also then spend another 30 minutes or so doing stretching, free weights, and machines. But I can't go for walks and things like that. Different body parts start hurting once I go too far. I do try to go out and garden and get out in the yard but I want to figure out how can I do more without regretting it. Maybe I should sit down with my physical therapist and get some professional advice.

We already are leaning to the organic, whole food sort of thing so that area is under control. I grew a lot in the garden this year until the drought hit so we didn't get as much food as I thought but this will expand next year. I am not sure what else can I do but I will give it more thought.

I do think I want to explore more changes that I can make to work on this. I think a goal is a good thing and will provide motivation for me.

In The Grand Scheme Of Things

Yesterday I was disappointed about my weight. Today I am in so much pain, I really do not care how much I weigh. I want the pain to go away. It will take some time.

I had too much fun being a normal person yesterday. I went shopping - consignment store, yarn store, fish market, and grocery store. Then I came home and lay down for an hour and then I made dinner which meant I stood for another hour. After dinner, my brother had to help me upstairs because I was in so much pain. Now after almost 12 hours in bed, my back is better but not much. I will spend a lot of time lying down today. DAMN! I think I would feel better if I could get to the beach....

In the grand scheme of things, being fat is not an overwhelming problem in my life. I was just reading on FB that a friend is now celebrating two years of being cancer free because she had a recurrence. That is more of a problem than being fat. If you think about it: would you rather be fat and healthish or skinny and have cancer? Not a hard decision.

Losing weight would help me be healthier in some ways. Less body weight equals lower blood pressure, healthier organs, yada, yada, yada. But I can't get up and move more to do that. I will try to be healthier. But I have to stop being in pain first.

And before you ask, I have been taking my pain meds - a combination of prescription and OTC and I am on a weekly pain patch. This is not an unusual occurrence in my life so I have what I need to help stop the pain. If I went to my doctor they would tell me I was doing all I can.

Taking the fun out

"Several studies have linked alcohol consumption to a higher risk of many cancers, including breast, mouth, throat, larynx, esophagus, liver, and colon and rectum. The risk rises with the amount of alcohol consumed."

Alcohol is evil and causes cancer. Great. Thanks. Anything else I need to worry about? Besides walking under ladders, playing in traffic, and walking by yourself in bad neighborhoods.

The latest blog post from Dana Farber's Insight (which is actually a pretty good blog) talks about alcohol consumption and cancer. The American Cancer Society recommends 1 drink a day for women and two for men. An oncologist recommends an occasional drink, if any.

My thought process from being the cancer patient is 'Excuse me I have cancer and my life currently sucks, I might want to drink more often than occasionally.' Whatever happened to the medical advice of hot lemonade and whiskey for a sore throat?

When I was 19 and told I had thyroid cancer, I was told by my doctor that my treatment was done and I should take care of myself, eat healthy, and get plenty of sleep. Thanks. I could have figured that out myself. But I did put a few years of thought into it and decided that I was going to live my life on my terms and not be 'boring'.

I was young and wanted to be a normal person and not 'that girl with cancer' for the rest of my life. So I did things my way. Yes I might drink alcohol. I might have partaken of other substances at different times in my life as well.

I don't want my health issues to rule my life. I want to be normal as much as possible. I want to do the things I want. I may not be able to climb a mountain now or ski down one but I can still go to the beach and out for fried clams. (Eeek! Fried food! Cholesterol alert!) Life requires little indulgences to be fun.

The way I see it, it is my body and my life. If I am not harming anyone else and want to have wine with dinner, I can't see a problem in it. However if you see me on a street corner drinking out of a bottle in a paper bag, feel free to interfere.

How confident am I on my health?

This is a tough subject for me. I am at a point where I feel okay most of the time but am not sure I feel well enough to make significant changes. I mean should I look for a new job? At my current job, there are some pluses and some minuses. The negatives are things like commute distance (farther than I like), lowish salary - decent but I wouldn't mind more (who wouldn't?). The pluses are total flexibility in my schedule and I am an established employee.

If I left my job I would have to establish myself somewhere else and have no seniority. If my health acted up and I couldn't work for a week or so (not an unknown event), would I jeopardize it? I am hesitant to look for another job because I am not sure I am healthy enough to establish myself at a new one.

On the other hand, I see my new primary care on Monday and I do NOT expect anything new and unexciting in my health. I don't think I have any bad things going on (but not to jinx myself or anything).

Over focused?

Maybe I am a bit too focused on health issues and my health specifically. I admit to checking the health section of every news source I look at. And then I read articles about new research showing women need to be more vigilant for breast cancer or some other ailment. Really? Can't we all just go back to our annual physical and let our primary care tell us we are fine?

I am fed up with focusing on my health. I am tired of being vigilant and stressing about one ailment or another, never mind any potential new one. Maybe I need a new hobby, or to be healthy? That's it, I'll be healthy again. As if that will happen.

But maybe I need the mindset of a healthy person. What is the mindset of a healthy person?

Maybe I'll just get another hobby.

I'm so smart I could diagnose myself

Yesterday will probably go down as one of the not so greatest days in my life. Why? Because I pretended I was a healthy person. And it didn't end up so well.

Allow me to provide some of the story. We had to dig up a lot of the plants in our garden because our retaining walls are collapsing and we have to pay big bucks to a mason to fix them. It has been very hot and dry here for the past few weeks. 90s for the last few days even - which rarely happens in Boston. My poor plants which should be in the ground and in the shade are in pots in the back yard in the hot sun.

I noticed yesterday that some of them were very dry and wanted to water them. The spigot in the back yard was put up by giants and I have to stand on something to reach it. I pulled out my usual little 12" high little table to stand on. As I reached up, the table collapsed and I felt my knee bend sideways. That was a very bad moment. No one was home but the mason's assistant but he came to help me get back to the front door and inside. I could hobble.

But because of my extensive medical background, I knew exactly what to do. I went to the freezer and got an ice pack. Then I picked up the phone and called my doctor's office. I knew I needed an x-ray and possibly more. They suggested I go to the walk in clinic last evening but I declined and asked for an appointment today instead. But as I sat with my knee elevated it really started to hurt (even through all my RA/fibromyalgia meds) and I asked my husband to take me to the walk in clinic.

I saw a doctor and got an x-ray as I expected. The bones look fine (as I expected) but the doctor thinks there is ligament/muscle damage (as I also thought) and referred me to an orthopedic doctor. This is exactly as I assumed would happen. I need to call today if I do not hear from them by noon to get to see a knee doctor. (Maybe I should have just called my knee doctor first -  yes I have a knee doctor, and an ankle doctor, and many other specialists.)

They did send me home with a knee immobilizer, a totally worthless piece of equipment as it forces me to overwork my hip (and my bursitis) and causes more pain than is in my knee. They also recommended crutches or a cane, both of which I declined. But I did ask my husband to find one of the crutches in the basement as it turns out I need it for stability and weight bearing.

So one moment of pretending I was healthy allowed me to sprawl on the backyard in pain. The good side? I really need a positive here. I have a reason to sit around on my butt all day (except going to the dr and possibly getting my nails done) with an ice pack on my knee during this 90 degree weather. I am not discussing the downside at this point because I am pretending it doesn't exist. Denial? Yes. But I did know what to do and what I needed medically right away. 

Chronic Illness Truths

I met a woman named Julie on Sunday. I was giving away yarn from my stash that I will never use and she knits hats for homeless people. She also has health issues and understands what it is like to change your life to accommodate your ailments.

Anyway, Julie is writing an anthology of stories of people who are living with chronic illnesses and is looking for people to contribute their story by September 15, 2015. You can find out more on her Tumblr site here.

I find the idea of me writing about life with chronic illnesses intriguing. I have written a lot about life with cancer and my cancers are probably more treated as chronic and not terminal illnesses. They are also not acute illnesses meaning they won't go away. My cancers are symptomless, for now but they could always return, which just adds to the fun.

Life with a chronic illness which is symptomatic is very different than one that doesn't cause a lot of pain. My life with degenerating disks started to cause me some pain in my back and hips. The my life with RA and fibromyalgia is loads more fun. I have pain in many more places and it has changed my ability to work more hours and my ability to get a good night's sleep, walk any distances, stand for more than a few minutes, and all sorts of basic things in life.

I think I will write something for Julie's anthology. If any of you feel the need, check her site and write something yourself.

Why people stop blogging

This morning I actually took a look at the back end of my blog and the list of blogs I follow. There was probably over 100. I went through the list and cleared out a bunch of them who either I am no longer interested in or are no longer blogging.

Obviously there are two reasons people stop blogging - either they just decide to stop or they are no longer with us, unfortunately. The second group are the ones that sadden me - lost friends.

But the first group intrigues me. Why do they stop blogging? Most of the blogs I follow are health related blogs, many of them on breast or thyroid cancer, arthritis, fibromyalgia, or other lifelong ailments. So why do these people stop blogging? Its not like they are cured. But maybe they think they are. Or maybe they no longer have coping issues?

This is why I am intrigued. I think of blogging as a coping/venting tool for many. That's what it is for me, after 8+ years of blogging. My health is constantly evolving with new issues cropping up periodically (but I really wouldn't mind if I didn't have any more issues thank you) so I keep coping and keep blogging. Do these other former bloggers non longer feel the need?

The emotional impact of an ailment may dim over time and perhaps they get a false sense of security and assume they will be fine or are able to work past it and get on with their lives. Or maybe I am just really jealous that they are better and I am not? Damn.