Its my cancerversary!

So what is that? Cancerversary = cancer anniversary. It was one year today that I was diagnosed. Everyone counts it differently - some people use the day of the first bad mammogram, others their surgery date. For me, its the day I got confirmation that I was headed down the roller coaster from hell. Originally, when I started my blog and thought maybe I'll keep writing for a year. By then it should be over and I will have to do something else. Well that is all changed now.

What do I get as a present for my cancerversary? Another bad mammogram. Yep! You read it right. Yesterday I had a follow up mammogram and appointment with my surgeon. I thought I had felt a lump a few weeks ago at around 10 o'clock (That's how they position them like the numbers on a clock. It makes sense when you are facing a clock but when you are looking down at your own body its kind of confusing.) So when I went to the mammogram, I told the technician I thought I felt a lump and she asked me to put a marker on it. After the mammogram, she told me I would have to wait for up to half an hour for a radiologist to read the scans. They have a nice waiting room in the mammogram, excuse me, 'breast imaging' area, with comfy chairs, a TV and lots of magazines. About 40 minutes later, they came and got me again but instead of going back for more scans, they started taking me in another direction. When I asked, they said we are going to ultrasound, we always go to ultrasound when there is a lump. That was news to me.

So in ultrasound, the technician wasn't too concerned with the area where I thought I felt something but with the far side, over at 5 o'clock... Apparently the mammogram picked up something suspicious. But they couldn't find anything where I thought I had felt something. They then told me to wait again. They talked about some weird kind of mammogram with dye injections and five minute scans but my surgeon said no so I went up to see him. After waiting around for a bit, I met with him. He said he needs a biopsy of the suspicious area from the mammogram. So welcome to biopsy hell. My biopsy is Wednesday. I have had some rib pain so I get to have a bone scan Tuesday. (This is different than the bone density scan just a few weeks ago.) Then I go back to the surgeon a week from Monday to find out what this is all about.

In case you were wondering biopsy hell is when you know you might have something and are stuck in stress filled hell waiting for the results. Don't expect me to be sunny and cheerful this week. I think crabby and whiney might be better. I think stress can be relieved by ice cream and pinot grigio and possibly some prescription medications I have for instances like this. Damn, I can't have ice cream. Well I can have ice cream but my gall stone won't like it. Grrr, grrr, grrr.

I really do not feel like talking about this. So after reading this if you feel an urge to pick up the phone to call me, please do not. If you do, I will talk to you about the weather, Red Sox, Celtics, the cat, life in general, politics (well but not the Florida and Michigan chaos), summer vacation plans, food, tv shows, and many other topics. My current medical state is not a topic for discussion at this time. Thanks.

I am still learning

I spent my whole life with straight hair, and most of that time it was long. It was easy. Wash it, dry it, and stick it in a pony tail. Now all of a sudden, I have this short curly crap that if I don't do something with, looks like a sheep's butt. More recently I have noticed that sometimes it looks like a sheep's butt on one side, and is flattened on the other. In other words, it looks like bed head even if I did get up and wash it and brush it. Grrr... I will have to work on this. I am getting another cut next week. Perhaps that will help. (Or I could just shave it off and stick my wig back on... No, that would be a really BAD idea.)

Well, today I get to spend the morning at Lahey. First I have to pack my little bag of stuff. I will take with me a water bottle, a book, the puzzles from today's paper, the phone number of my friend who works there, a sweater for the over air conditioned areas, and my list of questions to ask the doctor. This is in addition to the list of allergies to medications and other upcoming appointments that I always bring. I also need to wear 'crushable' clothes - the ones you can take off, put in a locker while wearing the charming little gown, put back on, and then take off to put on another fashionable little gown. The idea is that at the end of my visit, I am not wearing a ton of wrinkles.

I am also getting mentally prepared for lots of waiting around. First for the mammogram, its check in at the desk and be seated. Then your name is called and you are given a fashionable gown to wear and a clip board with a form to fill out. Then you fill out your form and wait. Then you go for the mammogram and then go back to the waiting room and wait. Then they finally let you go get dressed again. then I hope to see my friend but will eventually end up at the surgeon's office upstairs where I check in and wait. Then the nurse calls your name and has you get changed and wait in a tiny little room. Then finally I will see the doctor. And then come home. I have to leave here about 820 am and hope to be home by noon but am not counting on it. This is why I am bringing so many things with me. The mammogram department is actually one of the best places to find magazines that I have seen in Lahey. The chemo area is actually pretty good as well. The surgeon's waiting area usually has about 2 golf magazines and 2 parenting magazines. I think I go there too much if I know where the best magazines are stashed.

After all those fun and games I will come home and work from home before going for a walk with a friend. Damn, I have to figure out how to fit in some weeding as well.

An interlude into the world of the brainless taken from my life this morning:

Walter: "Is tomorrow trash day?"
Me: "Yes", thinking it is Thursday, even though I have known my doctor appointments are on Friday.
Walter leaves for work.
I realize its Friday and say "Damn. Why did I tell him that? Now I have to put the trash out." Then I check the calendar and remember that Monday was a holiday so trash day is tomorrow. Where is my brain???? If you happen to see it anywhere, please send it home. Thank you.

Today I get to have a life

Well sort of. I get to go for a walk, do work from home, and go to work (mental note, pick up boss on the way to work!). I need to enjoy this while it lasts. Its a very nice day. I might even manage to do a little weeding. Well, maybe. I am sure the weeds will be waiting for me when I get to them next.

Yesterday was a VERY busy day. I went to a breakfast meeting, then came home and worked for a while. Then I rushed off to a work shop that was somewhat disappointing. I have been to several of their other workshops which have always been very good quality but this one just wasn't as good and I felt some of the information was wrong. Anyhow, then I rushed to work and got there at the exact wrong time - I work at a high school and I was pulling into my parking space just as the last bell rang and the giant explosion of students leaving for the day started so I had to fight my way upstream to get to the office.

After work, I rushed home and met a friend who got some lilies of the valley. Then another friend came over and we went for a walk. Finally, I started cooking dinner at 8 - which meant soup for me.... I felt like I was running all day.

Now is the weekly time to find out if I am still a technowienie - did I manage to tape Top Chef last night or am I still the idiot that I often am? I really need to find out if I can wat However it is thatch it on line - that would solve my weekly stress.

Tomorrow, I don't get to do anything but get sucked into the giant Lahey time suck. Actually, the Lahey time suck should be over in the morning so I can meet a friend for a walk. Perhaps we will get to the library tonight so I can have a nice big fat book to read while sitting around. I have already read their 25 year old copies of National Geographic!

(If you click on the little pictures in blogs they open up much bigger so you can see them

I don't think my brain is turned on

It may be permanently stuck in the off position. I continually can't make it work correctly - turn on the stove when trying to cook dinner, remember after 3 tries that I meant to do something and what it was, do everything right at work (on the first try), and, then my husband's pet peeve, remember to turn off the stove when done with dinner. You think these would not be rocket science but apparently they are beyond my abilities. Included in my great mental capacity is the fact that last night I made lunches for both of us to take to work today. Too bad, I am eating at home today.

Yesterday we had some really strong thunderstorms come through which means I don't have to go water everything today. One less thing to do. But I do have lots to do. A breakfast meeting, run some errands, work from home, go to work, meet a friend for a walk. I think that's it. If its not written down, its not going to happen. Okay, a quick check of my calendar shows that is all that is written down except a short workshop I was considering. I will have to see if I can fit it in my schedule. It is about writing cover letters. Perhaps that would help me get a job. 'Please hire me. I have no brain but I promise to try to work hard. Just pay me lots of money too.' Maybe I don't need the workshop...

The question of the day is how long does it take to defrost a frozen chicken in the refrigerator? We are having it for dinner Friday night. Should I take it out of the freezer this morning or tomorrow morning. I am leaning towards taking it out today to make sure it is defrosted... I tried googling this and didn't really get a good answer. Maybe I should go look in one of my billion cookbooks!

However, this morning I do need to motivate as a breakfast meeting means I need to be some place at 8 am. This is very early for me these days. At 8 am now a days I am usually either on my computer in my pj's or possibly out for a walk, not showered and dressed and out in public. But this is why they invented caffeine.

How often do you do it?

How often do you vacuum your car? I have been threatening to do this for a long time. I rarely do because I am lazy at times, my chemo brain allows me to forget how dirty my car is by the time I get back inside where the vacuum is, and every time I go for an oil change at the dealer, they vacuum it. Well, technically they vacuum your car but do they take out the floor mats, and really vacuum under and on the seats? No, they just sort of vacuum the visible areas so you think your car is cleaner than it is. Also, I stopped going to the dealer because the local gas station is closer.

Anyhow, yesterday, in a fit of tidiness (doesn't happen often so I took advantage of it), I decided to clean my car. I learned why there is a pen shortage in our house - because I had about 15 extra in my car. I also now know why there is a penny shortage in this country - because I had a few handfuls of them in my car. I will get them to the bank at some point to end the shortage. In addition to going through everything in my car and taking out the floor mats, I really vacuumed it. I even went to the local car wash where they have the high powered vacuum to really get it clean.

I also vacuumed the trunk. Now this is the area that the dealership does not vacuum and is hidden from view so you don't always remember to clean it. Well I did. I took everything out and found a visitors guide to New Hampshire from 2001. I could have sworn I have vacuumed it since then but possibly not. I did find about 8 years worth of Christmas tree needles so it is possible it has been that long. I do remember vacuuming the trunk after the 'christening incident' but that happened in the fall of 1999 right after I bought it. (The 'christening incident' occurred when a bottle of white wine rolled around my trunk and smashed... My car smelled like wine for weeks even though I pulled the carpet out and washed it.) I thought I had vacuumed more recently but now its done.

After that hard work, I went for my daily destressing and pretending I will get thinner walk. I went by a 'character'. Okay, picture a stocky guy about 60, wearing a tee shirt and shorts... With a multicolor beanie with a propeller... riding a razor scooter... with a little basket on it... for his miniature white poodle. They were having a nice time and enjoying the spring weather.

Now I do need to add that apparently we have the best behaved cat in the world. Why else would he insist on napping on the dining room table?

Do I have a life?

Evidently not. Yesterday I was feeling quite proud of myself that we actually went out and socialized and saw some friends at their house on the beach with another couple. We played with their 3 year old daughter and ate some yummy food. Then I got tired and we came home. This is a picture of the view from the beach. I am not sure what the two white things are but you can faintly see the Pilgrim Monument across Cape Cod bay in the middle. It is 252 feet tall and about 20 miles away as the crow (or seagull in this case) flies.

This morning I open my email. I have a message from one friend who is spending the weekend in Paris. Just around the corner. Not a bad place to be! I wouldn't mind a trip back there myself. Then another friend sends an email from the resort she is staying at on the coast in Ghana (yes, that country in Africa). Just a hop, skip, and a jump away. Evidently, both of them are having fun in exotic places. We drove 1 1/2 hours to the beach. No comparison.

Well maybe its a good thing I am not travelling to exotic places until I get my photography skills in hand. Yesterday I managed to take many pictures - using the Shade exposure setting while in the bright sun on the beach. Needless to say, they came out in shades of white.

Apparently in the eyes of Lahey clinic I still have a life as well. It is a little known fact that you never receive more than two sheets of appointment listings at one time. That is a total of 10 appointments. If you have more than that scheduled, you just wont know until you get closer. I still have two full sheets - ten appointments - between now and mid-August that I know of. Actually, I think I have 11 scheduled, and the last one is on the invisible third page.

Lucky me, I only have two appointments this coming week. On Friday I get to have a mammogram (gee, can't wait) and a follow up with the surgeon (what fun). At least he can't biopsy my rash which has basically gone away and been passed off to my dermatologist. I also think I have too many different doctors now. I have a primary care, a surgeon, a medical oncologist, a radiation oncologist, a dermatologist, a gastroenterologist, and a psychiatrist. I think that's it. I think that's plenty. I get to see them all in the next three months too. (Maybe they'll get lonely if I don't go see them??)

Anyhow, today's big plan was to try to go for a bike ride. That has been put on hold as I am very tired and someone who shall be nameless got a sunburn on the top of his feet sitting on the beach yesterday. Instead, I guess I will have to breakdown and do some weeding.

Before I forget, there was a great article in today's Boston Globe on Ted Kennedy and cancer. Basically, we don't fight it in the sense of 'Rah team'. We live our lives with it. Once you get it, your life is never going to be the same.

Things to do

Here is my list of things I want to do. No its not a bucket list, its just a regular list. I figure if I actually write them down, I might do them.

1. Learn to ride my bike with no hands. I never did this as a kid - maybe I was a chicken but its never too late to learn something new.

2. Switch to organic only gardening products. No more fertilizer and chemicals. I will use up what I have and replace with all organic. I do reserve the right to use chemicals on the burrowing wasps we occasionally get in the patio, the giant ant colonies, and Japanese knotweed.

3. Do something about the lovely wall paper in the kitchen. Currently it is a 'beautiful' (and I use the word very loosely) harbor scene with boats. One friend suggested taking pictures of friends and putting them in all the boats to help disguise it. (Its not as ugly as the bordello wall paper that was on the basement stairs when we first moved in but is a close second. I will never understand some people's sense of taste.)

4. Clean my car. I have been considering this for some time. I periodically go out and clean out debris but I want to really clean it. Maybe do some serious upholstery cleaning as well. I could pay someone to have it detailed but I am cheap and they use lots of nasty chemicals.

5. Learn how to make real Chinese food from scratch. Not just stir fry in a wok but egg rolls, hot and sour soup, and other things.

6. Go on a real vacation where we go on an airplane to someplace exotic and do some very interesting things. I am planning on Iceland for my 50th birthday but I wouldn't mind going some place else a little sooner.

Well that's a good start. I am sure there are other things I should do but a list of 6 items will get me going. (If you don't know what a bucket list is, go watch The Bucket List... I haven't seen it yet but I plan to.)

Yesterday we were very productive. Walter finished the brick borders, sanded and painted the iron railing by the side door, sanded and painted the metal patio furniture, and sanded and stained the teak patio table. Then he wonders why he is sore today? I only planted plants, did a little weeding, set up the window boxes, and started parsley and dill from seed and went for a walk. I feel lazy compared to him.

Today, we will go for a walk on the bike path (not a death march but a nice walk) before going to the beach in the afternoon. Its a beautiful day and should be around 70 which will be great for the beach and a barbecue. I did realize the sad fact that chemo brain no longer allows me to get organized at the last minute. I have to write down lists of what to bring and then check to make sure I have everything. Right now the only thing I have in the bag is the printed out directions...