Tolerance

I haven't been feeling very tolerant recently. What I mean by tolerant is being able to put up with other people's crap. It is not my problem if some people are acting pretty stupid around me, or are rude, or are just plain dumb. I do not feel the need to put up with it. I have enough going on in my life that I can be a bit cranky when dealing with others.

As a friend was telling me recently, I need to keep my mouth shut and not tell people they are driving me crazy. I know its not my business what someone else wants to do but sometimes I can be a bit 'outspoken' (as I hear peals of laughter in my head from the people who know me best). I recognize that I do think I can come across as a bit bitchy at times. I do try to be a nice person but sometimes I just can't keep my mouth shut.

Especially if someone is really pushing my buttons, then I get really cranky. Here's an example: a group of friends are trying to get together for lunch and a museum. Around here, many public libraries have discount museum passes available on a first come/first served basis. I don't mind getting the museum passes, because I am cheap and it saves me money.

But one friend (and I am not making this up) called me, texted me, called my library, and texted me again in a five minute period to let me know that my library has the pass available for the day we want them, they were available, and could I reserve it. I didn't require babysitting and I sent her a text back to tell her that. That all got under my skin for some reason. Why did she need to do so much? All I needed was to be asked to see if I could get the museum pass.

Am I over-reacting? I don't think so. It made me feel that she thought I was incapable of checking on the availability of the pass and reserving it. Of course my inner child made me wait several days to actually reserve the pass to make her sweat if she decided to micromanage me and check again at the library.

I don't need micromanaging. I am quite capable of taking care of things myself. Allow me to feel a bit intolerant for a bit here.

The Cancer Balance

Do you ever wonder if you are focusing too much on the cancer in your life? Or too little? Before a cancer diagnosis, cancer probably occupies a little tiny corner of your brain.

After a cancer diagnosis, it takes up all but the little tiny corner of your brain required to do basic things like eat and sleep at minimal levels. After the initial stress, cancer-brain occupation slowly settles down to a somewhat manageable level as basic human demands for survival kick in - like thinking semi-logically.

Eventually you get to a bit more of an even keel so you get through life, after therapy, support groups, or whatever. Then life goes on, if cancer doesn't return, and you get some more of your brain capacity back and begin to think about life around you again.

So now, I wonder if I am thinking too little about cancer? Because I do not allow it to fill my brain all the time. Should I allow myself to think about cancer more?

Now that I have this knitting group with other women with cancer at the cancer support center, I feel like I am back in a support group sometimes. We have conversations about the ups and downs of diagnosis and treatment along with all sorts of related issues. I kind of like that part.

But it makes me wonder if I should be thinking (pondering) cancer more? I like being sort of back to my regular life without the cancer domination. As cancer is part of my life, should I be dwelling on it more?

Maybe I am still just learning how to balance cancer in my life.

A Year Out of Your Life

I have thought that 'year out of your life' business was a load of hooey. I mean how do you say that all my cancer crap will be done in a year and you will arrive at a 'new normal' and life will go on? That is not true.

However, Sandra Lee was diagnosed with breast cancer last March and she took a year off to deal with treatment and keep her sanity. I think that was the smartest thing she could have done. Smart woman. When you hear about most celebrities it is usually about they have this new 'cure' or cured their cancer through some herbal thingy. But she is a smart celebrity.

 If I was rich enough I would have taken a year off to get my head together. That would have been smart.

A Legacy?

Am I supposed to be leaving a legacy? Honestly, what is my life expectancy? I am sure there are calculators online but I haven't bothered. I just know that I probably won't live as long as most other people born about the same time as me with the same general backgrounds.

As you know, my health sucks so I don't have the expectation of being the oldest living person at whatever age that is. I could also get hit by a bus tomorrow or my cat could trip me on the stairs. I have no idea when I will go but I will at some point, as all the rest of you will.

So my question is am I supposed to be leaving some kind of legacy to be remembered by? I keep reading articles about all these cancer people who leave a legacy of some kind. My husband and I don't have children so once we are gone that will be the end of us. I mean our siblings will probably remember us, if they are still around but no lasting legacy.

Should I be thinking up a legacy to leave behind? Do I want to be remembered as something or someone, some how? I consider myself a good person and donate to charities, volunteer, blog about my health crap. But should I be doing more? If so why?

I think I am curious about this because I am wondering if it would give new meaning to my life. Do I need new meaning? Do I need to get behind a cause? Do I need to come up with a new cause? Or should I just continue to be me?

Does anyone else think of this kind of stuff, healthy or unhealthy? We finish our education and go out to leave our mark on the world. Did I make a mark or should I try to make a mark some how? Or how do I want to be remembered?

Life is full of these little questions. Existentialist or not.

Winter returned

For some reason winter has returned here around Boston. Right now wind chill is about 10 degrees, air temperature is 18, and we got probably 5-6" of snow yesterday. Last Thursday I was out gardening in shorts and a t-shirt. Yesterday I spent 9.5 hours (730am-5pm) driving in what felt like blizzard conditions. The snow storm was moving east and I was driving east.

The roads were horrible, snow covered, blowing and drifting snow. I probably drove past close to 20 accidents. I got stuck behind multiple conga lines of plows going 40. You know the road conditions are bad when the trucks are all going slow.

Last week I planted pansies in pots outside. Today they are buried in the snow. I hope they did not freeze solid. This will be a test on how hardy pansies actually are.

My plan today is to stay inside as much as possible. However I do have a doctor appointment today but not until late afternoon.

The snow should be gone by Thursday when it rains. After that I think spring will be back, for a few days at least.

Its a bad neighborhood

So I follow cancer research because I do hope for a cure one day.... what I have learned in the past is that scientists have believed that a single cancer cell would make it to a different part of your body and then start a new tumor. (Those were the evil cells.)

Now there is a new theory, that a group of cancer cells located together then grow into a tumor (known as a metastasis which none of us want). I can relate to this new theory. A single cell isn't a bad guy. Its when the rest of them are bad, they have nothing to do but hang out together and spread their evilness around your body. Like hanging out in a bad neighborhood.

I had never really thought about what the environment of a tumor cell would have to do with the growth of cancer until I had Dr Susan Love talk back about five or so years ago. She had discussed that new research then was interested in the neighborhood a bad cancer cell was in, not just the cell itself. This new research seems to show that train of thinking has been subject to research and now is showing more answers.

So now I must have a stern talking to with any cancer cells that may be hanging out in my body and tell them to stay away from each other. I am sure that will prevent any recurrence.....

So What Will It Feel Like?

Have you ever wondered what your next medical adventure really will be like? I mean how will they really feel during and afterwards? Nurses and doctors tell you things like "there may be some discomfort", or the ever popular "little pinch". Maybe you might feel "tired afterwards" or "possibly nauseous", or "a little pain" at the site that can be handled by "OTC acetaminophen or ibuprofen". But you really need prescription morphine for the pain, cant get out of bed for three days because of fatigue, or spend days running for the bathroom.

They never can tell you more, like the real truth. Bounded by HIPAA concerns or the simple fact that they have never experienced it themselves. Face it most of our medical professionals have never experienced the procedures they perform on patients. Sure they have had blood tests, injections, and more, but have they had your chemo protocol, surgery, or invasive procedure? Probably not.

Hence there is no way for them to tell you how you will feel before, during, and after, other than scared sh**less, because they really do not know.

I hate this. I have learned to research all medical procedures before I have them. I also look to friends and others who might have experienced it to find out what its like from the patient's perspective. (I am so 'healthy' my father, in his late 80s, asks if I have had any new procedure recommended for him.) I do not obsess about it but I do want a good idea of what something will be like.

I have learned some important things like do I really want to go by myself because I won't want to drive home. Or I can come close to passing out after in the knee injections. Or... the list goes on. So I have learned to ask questions and do my research.