Sometimes We Just Don't Care Anymore

Yesterday I ran into a friend and we chatted for a while. I have been dealing with my usual ups and downs health wise and some emotional crap. She has also been through a round of health stuff and emotional stuff. We caught up on the most important things going on in our lives for a few minutes and touched on some of the items we have been coping with. We both said sometimes we just don't care anymore.

Call it being overwhelmed. Call it whatever you want. But we just don't care. As a professional patient, sometimes you get so inundated that you really don't give a s**t about anything. Coping with our lives gets so complicated that we just don't care, unless there was something near term fatal, there is nothing that is that important.

I have my annual physical this week and we will talk about my back pains and maybe I should have more imaging on it. Maybe I should have a lot more imaging and testing but I really don't want it now. Unless my doctor tells me I need immediate treatment for something so I don't die, I'm happy to wait. I have so many ailments that how can I have anything more?

My friend, who also has gone through her own personal roller coaster, agreed with me. Right now, she only wants to take a couple vacations and doesn't want to think about emotional or health issues for a while. After she does some travelling, we are going to get together at the end of October for coffee to catch up. Maybe by then we both will care about things again.

My cynical side is showing again.

Was I supposed to climb a mountain or something for some ailment awareness? I didn't. But apparently a lot of people do that kind of thing. You can find countless story about another person who climbed a mountain, ran a marathon, bicycled some long distance or did something significant to raise awareness for an ailment.

How does climbing a mountain help with an ailment? What are you doing on a mountain top that could do anything to help someone with that ailment? Other than let the person with the ailment feel disappointed that they could never do that any more? Please explain.

I didn't do any of that. I would never do any of that. Physically I can't. And emotionally I do not think those efforts are much needed. Honestly we do not need any more awareness of breast cancer. Period. For my other ailments, maybe some awareness could help. But awareness doesn't do squat.

What does help is research and treatment.

If you want to help with an ailment on a big level, raise some money for research and treatment. If you want to make the news headlines for doing something, raise a lot of money, send out a press release and invite the local media.

Or if you don't want to make any headlines and can't afford to spend any money, spend some time with someone who could use help. Is it a ride to a doctor appointment? Picking up their groceries? Mowing their lawn or raking their leaves? Or if you can't do any of that, drop by and chat or call them on the phone.

Skip the awareness crap and efforts, figure out how to go direct to the person coping or to research and treatment. Awareness doesn't do crap.

Politeness and compassion matter

Its not your imagination but people these days I think are ruder in general than in the past. You heard about the rant by the woman her husband put on Youtube.... Or the trolls on Facebook who snipe at innocent people. Never mind the people who cut you off in traffic or exhibit road rage to a life threatening degree. Manners including please and thank you seem to have gone by the wayside. Thank you notes? What are those? Compassion? What's that? Privacy boundaries are gone as well. But do not let me get too far off track.

But its not just the general public. The newer doctors are exhibiting lack of politeness and compassion compared with more established doctors. Maybe they will acquire some politeness and compassion over time but int he meantime the patients suffer.

A study at Johns Hopkins showed that the newer interns didn't take time to introduce themselves to the patients or to sit and have an eye to eye conversation with them. The problem is that good bedside manner on the part of the doctor improves patient outcomes.

"The observers recorded whether the interns used five valued communication skills like introducing themselves, explaining their role to the patient, touching the patient, asking open-ended questions like, "How are you feeling today?," and sitting down with the patient for a conversation.

In some areas, interns scored high. For instance, they touched their patients 65% of the time (though that was sometimes in the process of giving physical exams) and asked open-ended questions 75% of the time during hospital visits. But interns only introduced themselves 40% of the time and explained their medical role 37% of the time. The interns sat down with their patients only 9% of the time.

In total, interns only performed all five behaviors during just 4% of their visits."

This week I went to a doctor appointment with my father. The doctor was running late and he stopped by the room where we were sitting to tell us he was coming but was running late. (Points for him). He introduced himself to me (more points) and greeted my father very nicely. He sat down and answered questions. He also asked open ended questions and was extremely patient with my father's questions even sketching diagrams. 

We left the appointment with a good deal of comfort in that he was the right doctor and would offer the right treatment.If the doctor had been abrupt and not communicative, we probably would not have the good feelings. Politeness and compassion do matter.

More on what not to say to sick people

I can't blog about this topic enough. There are so many people who unintentionally say the wrong thing to sick people. So here we go again.

Things not to say:

"You look so good!" - Um yeah. I might need to throw up pretty soon so excuse me while I rush to the bathroom. I can fix my hair and make up when I'm done.
"You need to just stop thinking about it and get busy." - Well if you can figure out a way to stop my brain from sending me down that evil health roller coaster, feel free to butt in again.
"You should try this new health supplement. It can't hurt." - Sure. I was looking for more pills to take. Let me check it against all my other meds and make sure there will be no conflicts and I'll just add it to the giant handful I take three times daily already.
"I wish I had the luxury of being sick instead of going to work every day." - I don't consider being sick a luxury. If I could go to work and have a regular life, I would be happy to.
"Illness is caused by stress. You just need to start coping better." - Let me whop you upside your head with a baseball bat for that one.

Again my all time top of the list of something to never say to someone who is sick: 'My uncle's neighbor's hair dresser's dog walker's niece had what you have and had this other treatment. I can't understand why you are getting this other treatment. Of course the niece died after a few months. It was pretty ugly near the end.' Gee thanks. I neededthat positive reinforcement that allows me to think of death and doubt my own treatment plan.


Some good things to say:

"I don't know what to say, but I care about you."
"If you need to cry, I've got plenty of tissues."
"I'm bringing dinner Thursday. Can you eat lasagna or chicken?"
"I'm going to the store tomorrow, what can I get you?"
"You are going through so much, yet you still have such joy. How do you do that?"

Other pieces of advice I would add to these is call up someone who is sick and just talk or even see if you can stop by and see them. Maybe they would appreciate a trip out to a coffee shop or being driven to the store if they have problems getting out on their own. Or maybe an offer to come over and help with some chores  particularly if you know they are going through a tough time. Offer to clean the kitchen, do laundry, etc.

Sick people are still real people. Think about what you would want someone to say to you if you were sick. Pretend someone stops by when you are in the middle of a three week long bout with the flu... what would you want someone to say to you.