Okay, I Haven't Been Blogging About Breast Cancer

I just don't blog about breast cancer as much as I used to these days. Why? Because I like to pretend it will never come back and bother me again. That is the honest answer.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I lived the all breast cancer all the time channel. Slowly over time, I managed to tune out for bits and pieces. Now I am trying to pretend cancer will never come back and bug me bite me in the ass again. I am pretending because I can tell you that with cancer twice in my life there are not many chances it won't come back again. The odds are not with me.

Since breast cancer, or the mid 2000s, when my body started developing so many bullshit  ailments, I have found that it is possible that once you have cancer, and even if it doesn't kill you, no one wants to talk to you about any potential research. They also try to pretend they do not feel sympathy for you. They actually pity you because you are pretty untreatable for normal ailments.

I am not depressed. I am really annoyed that my ailments suck up so much time out of my life. I would like to pretend I am healthy but its not going to happen.

I think my real diagnosis is 'cynic' Or more likely bullshit cynic. But its not cancer.

That Biceps Tendon

Sunday morning I woke up with a sore left shoulder. I have no idea what happened. I sucked it up for a few days but yesterday when I tried to pick up something up with my left hand and it just gave way. I am not going to the doctor for this. But I did ask one of the physical therapists at the gym. After pushing on a sore place on my shoulder he diagnosed it as a strained biceps tendon. (He said it was very strained based on how sore it was.)

I do not need any other ailments. But this should go away in a week or so, or so he thinks. However knowing my body it will last for a while. I will try to keep my cynical side in check while it heals. And I have some new exercises at the gym to help heal.

The "Doh' Factor

I read a blog post this morning on the National Pain Report that came from another blogger. She wrote about wondering why researchers waste their time on the obvious? A research report that says 'fibromyalgia causes pain' or 'breast cancer can be found in men as well as women' or some other stupid blatantly obvious answer is a complete waste of time and money. When the answer is basically 'doh'. It was a waste.

Donna sums up her post by stating that research should focus on two questions, and two questions only:

• What causes fibromyalgia?
• And more importantly, how do I get rid of it?

And just switch that word 'fibromyalgia' with the word of your choice - breast cancer, thyroid cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, degenerating disks are my choices. But you get the point.

My inbox is filled with the latest in medical research. And so often, I just wonder why they even bothered with the study. The results don't seem to tell me much and often only confirm what is previously known. I know if research discovers something they need to confirm it with multiple tests. But they don't need to announce it every time. 

Seriously, just give me the cause of my ailments and tell me how to make them go away. Thats enough for today. I am awfully cynical this morning. Maybe its because I have been up since 2:00 am (thank you fibromyalgia for giving me insomnia too).

Its a bad neighborhood

So I follow cancer research because I do hope for a cure one day.... what I have learned in the past is that scientists have believed that a single cancer cell would make it to a different part of your body and then start a new tumor. (Those were the evil cells.)

Now there is a new theory, that a group of cancer cells located together then grow into a tumor (known as a metastasis which none of us want). I can relate to this new theory. A single cell isn't a bad guy. Its when the rest of them are bad, they have nothing to do but hang out together and spread their evilness around your body. Like hanging out in a bad neighborhood.

I had never really thought about what the environment of a tumor cell would have to do with the growth of cancer until I had Dr Susan Love talk back about five or so years ago. She had discussed that new research then was interested in the neighborhood a bad cancer cell was in, not just the cell itself. This new research seems to show that train of thinking has been subject to research and now is showing more answers.

So now I must have a stern talking to with any cancer cells that may be hanging out in my body and tell them to stay away from each other. I am sure that will prevent any recurrence.....

Warning: A Cynical Post

They, the infamous, all-knowing 'them', say that after a cancer diagnosis, in one year you will reach your 'new normal'. As I have said before, the whole new normal thing is bogus and not worth seeking because it doesn't exist.

And its not after a year either. That year concept is wrong. First of all, your treatment may not end in a year. You are forever changed and even if your body returns to something resembling your previous body, your mind has been irreparably scarred. At every doctor appointment or test or scan for the rest of your life there is that evil little voice that says 'what if....'. It also shows up in the middle of the night when you can't sleep, or it wakes you up.

Also there are the people, like me, who find that after that cancer diagnosis, your body continues to rebel and send you down the never ending medical spiral of more ailments. While in chemo, in addition to growing a benign breast tumor, my gall bladder developed gall stones (a completely separate ailment) which led to surgery. Other people I know have developed cardio issues and other treatment side effects. And the women who chose reconstruction face additional surgeries. Never mind all the people who suffer from significant side effects from treatment and surgeries.

I am lying in bed this morning, waiting to take the (damn) cats to the (damn) vet. They are sleeping peacefully next to me but I know at the first sign of the dreaded carriers, I will be faced with the game of 'chase' with me chasing them so I can stuff them in their carriers. Full carriers are hard for me to pick up and carry to the car. When I arrive at the vet it will take two trips to get them inside. But they need their physicals and shots and exams (which they will hate). When we come home they will hate me. And my back will be killing me.

And I hate it that my body no longer allows me to do all the basic things in life that I used to be able to do. I am frustrated with my pudgy body that makes that is difficult to lose weight.

Yesterday I finally finished the latest request for information for my SS Disability application which includes asking me about how my ailments have changed my life from before when I was sort of healthy to after when I can only when I can watch everything I used to like or that used to be easy for me that are now a struggle. I really do not need reminders of the things that I can no longer do.

Pause. Deep breath.

Sometimes my inner cynical b*tch comes through and needs to vent. Maybe this is why I need therapy to cope.

Sympathetic or Over Sensitive?

When you were diagnosed with cancer, didn't other people with cancer come crawling out of the woodwork? You met all these people to talk to about cancer and help you through your diagnosis and treatment.  You got diagnosed so you can talk to other people in cancerland. That is fine, actually pretty cool. Its actually nice to bond with people who are coping or have coped with the surgeries, chemo, radiation and all that other 'fun' stuff.

But then, if someone you know knows someone else who was diagnosed with cancer, do you feel like they rush to tell you about it? Or are they asking questions of you to help their friend? Or are you just being hypersensitive?

I remember when I was in college a couple of years after my thyroid cancer diagnosis, a guy I knew was diagnosed with cancer. He was brought to a party by a mutual friend who brought him over to me so we could talk. He had a late stage brain cancer, only lived a few months longer, and was in a wheelchair. It was actually great to get to know him better but a very sad conversation.

Afterwards I started thinking (which I should never do, I know) and almost felt like I was expected to talk to him because we both had cancer so therefore we must know each other and be friends. Even though our cancers were completely different on all levels.

Since my breast cancer diagnosis, I have been more open about my medical history and talk to people all over all the time about cancer and other medical issues. I am happy to talking as many people who want to talk to me about medical crap (all cancer is crap).

I had a nightmare dream last night that I met up with an old friend from college (who's brother was married to someone I went to high school with) who was going out for a big dinner an hour before his last hope surgery for lung cancer at a time when I was also hospitalized. In my dream, I felt very stressed about my old friend (who was a melange of a bunch of old friends) being so sick and running out of options when I was hospitalized only for a minor issue and went home the next day. (And who goes out for dinner before surgery?)

When I woke up I felt I had been very put upon my by high school friend and her husband because I had cancer I was supposed to be the 'caretaker' of the sick friend. Then I started thinking about it (I promise I will try to stop thinking as much):

- am I the good sympathetic resident of cancerland; or,
- am I becoming oversensitive to the 'friend of a friend of a friend who was just diagnosed with cancer'; or,
- am I becoming a cynic about all medical crap?

That awareness thing

Am I the only one on the planet who thinks we do not need more awareness of different cancer types? I mean yes there are some really obscure ones that need awareness and more treatment as well as metastatic cancer definitely needs more options. But really, do we really need an unending calendar of fashion shows, races, walks, and other events?

I may be cynical but I think most of us are too aware of cancer these days. Or is it just me because it has been part of my life for so long?

This is just too perky for me

My gag reflex is kicking in. This woman has metastatic breast cancer and is successfully being treated by Ibrance according to her perky oncologist. It isn't news, it feels like an Ibrance commercial.

 

I have the urge to barf. I'm sorry but its true. And yes its that really expensive new treatment.

And my inner marketing person says this kind of news article is really a type of advertising. I am not saying that anyone in the video did anything wrong. But marketing comes in all forms. And Pfizer is making big bucks on Ibrance.

You can read that article here. Okay, my inner witchy cynic is showing this morning. Maybe I need a nap or something.

Blocking out life

Sometimes I feel I need to ignore life and the rest of the world and focus on my ever growing list of ailments. Its not that I want to, its that sometimes my body insists on being the focus. Like the past few days. And probably the next few days.

I have many other things I would like to do but I have to focus on my health. I will fit in other 'stuff' around my health crap. And it really is crap right now.

I have a feeling I did some damage to my knee, how much I will learn more on Wednesday. It hasn't been contributing basic things like flexibility and stability to the rest of my body for the past few days. This means I can't go to the gym. Actually I don't dare go to the gym. But I really want to go. I think exercise will help me deal with stress. And I have blood work this week as well as two other doctor appointments. Right now I am getting blood work done every two weeks.

I also broke down and succumbed to pressure from my new therapist to try the new fibromyalgia support group. I did point out that I do have multiple ailments and fibromyalgia is one of the less challenging ones to me at this point. I mean its there. It causes me pain, fatigue, and, my favorite, insomnia. It isn't progressively causing damage to my body or lurking in the background, threatening to recur like some of the others.

I was told that the fibromyalgia group should help provide 'coping' strategies. I agreed to go once to see if these 'coping' strategies are really covered and potentially show any benefit for me. But my cynical self doubts that.

I am just stressed, anxious, in pain, tired, and a few other things so life isn't as much fun right now. Call me a cranky cynic right now.

I did get the memo but it didn't help

Eat oily fish, high in Omega-3, to reduce risk of rheumatoid arthritis. That was a memo. I got it. Wthan others. e eat a fair amount of fish - especially since we live within 10 miles of the fish filled Atlantic Ocean. Now I have rheumatoid. Now granted it is in my family but I did follow directions.

What this proves is that not all research is a magic pill. I mean you eat whatever for whatever its benefit is supposed to be so you can reduce your risk of some ailment. There are two problems with these theories:

1. Some people think that they cannot get the ailment because they did what they were told. They didn't smoke, so they won't get lung cancer. Well you can. You are only reducing your risk.
2. While they represent advances they are not cures. They are more like suggested life style changes. 

 If asked, I do live a relatively healthy lifestyle - I eat my fruits and vegetables, I don't skip meals, I get exercise, blah, blah, blah. And I am probably one of the least healthy people around. So just because I got the memos, doesn't mean they helped.

Maybe I'll be cranky today.... My back hurts. Some days I am just more cynical than others.

On being cynical or jaded...

Yesterday I thought my blog post was a bit cynical. Someone on Facebook said it was a bit jaded maybe but understandable.

My health keeps giving me hits - if its not one thing, its another. I spend more time rearranging my life for doctor appointments and at those appointments than anything else. By the end of this week, I will have had 18 medical appointments in the first 19 weeks of the year. I am down to an expected rate of about 50 doctor appointments for the year. This is the lowest since 2006.

My therapist (of course I need a therapist with all these medical issues) tells me I am in chronic mourning for my health because something else always seems to want to cause problems. (Yesterday my knee started popping when I walked up and down stairs but I am going to ignore that one for at least a month.)

I don't think I deserve any special treatment because of my ailments. I do struggle with writing a blog about breast cancer when its not really much about breast cancer right now. But I do have my annual mammogram along with some other 'fun' tests this week (which I am ignoring for now because that is all my inner child can handle). I'll fill you in on the details sometime in the future.

My cynicism on my health comes out as I am as healthy as a horse on the way to the glue factory. I work with a bunch of people who have no idea of any health ailments that I have had longer than the four years I have worked there. But they still think I am the least healthy employee.

I just got an email from RealAge.com telling me I should think myself young. Yeah right.

New Breast Cancer Drug but at What Cost

The FDA approved Kadcyla for late stage breast cancer treatment. This is a good thing. Its about time.  And it will save many women's lives.

But I have a real problem with the financials behind it. A month's treatment costs $9800 or $117,600 annually, which apparently is about twice the costs of Herceptin. These costs will mostly be covered by insurance - and we wonder why insurance premiums are going up.

Immunogen, who developed it, expects to receive a $10.5 million pay off plus royalties of 3-5% of the expected world wide sales of $2 billion (with a b). To my tiny math brain, that means they get $60,000,000 (that's 60 million if you are having problems with all the zeros).

It will be marketed by Genentech who I assume will take in the rest of the profit after coming up with snazzy packaging and fancy ads. I have no idea what Genetech's manufacturing and promotional costs will be but I am sure their profits will exceed that of Immunogen.

But that's okay because the insurance companies will probably cover most of it - which is why our medical costs keep increasing so rapidly.

Going back to when I blogged about pricing and how it is determined by marketing people, I am sure the whopping price tag was set by marketers (those evil people) who wanted it to be high end, represent a last chance for women to extend their lives, and if its expensive it must work really, really, really well.

But at least it is finally available for the women who need it who will gladly pay any price to extend their lives. Call me cynical, but maybe I am.

Alert - another 'touching' cancer movie

Yes you will note the hint of sarcasm in my title as there is yet another cancer movie on TV tonight. I am a cynic about these. I am not comfortable with Hollywood's version of cancer often. When "The Big C" came out I was appalled by the title. I do admit to watching it and couldn't get past the third episode. Yes it was about cancer. Yes it was about someone who wasn't coping very well. But yes she was an hysterical drama queen. I won't watch the rest. I will also add that while the first season seemed to have reached some level of publicity the second season seems to have died a slow death and is now gone.

"Brian's Song" back in the 60's was a good movie. It kept the cancer side of it under wraps because it was the 60's and cancer was going to kill us all. I really liked "The Bucket List" because that did show the funny side of a terminal diagnosis and the differences between treatment for a rich person and a poor person when they get cancer.  I can't wait to watch "50/50". Apparently it is not as good as the first reviews expected but from the trailer I have seen it shows a young man coping with a cancer diagnosis 'even though he recycles' - you will get that joke if you have seen it.

But tonight on Lifetime is a movie called "Five". It is actually five shorts about different women coping with a breast cancer diagnosis. I will not attempt to stay up and watch it because it is a 'school' night and I have to get up in the morning but the DVR is set to record it on Lifetime at 10pm. At the urging of women on breast cancer support boards, I watched the trailer and am inspired enough to record it by the line 'why can't I get thigh cancer? I hate my thighs.' If there is no humor in a cancer movie I'm not watching it. Cancer has to include humor or it has already sucked the life out of you. But I digress. It is inspired by Jeanne Tripplehorn's own story.

I do plan on watching it later this week as I have two event filled days later this week which will leave me on ice (literallly) in front of the TV for a few days. (Thursday I am having that nasty back procedure and Friday I am getting a needle under my other knee cap and in between I have an appt with my PCP so I can tell her how healthy I am.) In between the drugs and the ice packs, I will have ample opportunity to catch up on the full DVR.

But if my inner cynic doesn't appreciate another Hollywood version of cancer, I can hit Stop and Erase Now.

Well, Whoop Di Doo

I found this article a couple of days ago about new targeted drugs for cancer treatment. My first thought well this is new and exciting and provides great promise for the future. Yes, its for smaller groups but as we know cancer is not one disease but hundreds of different diseases this actually makes sense.

But then my more cynical side shows up and says 'where is the damn cure?' Maybe I'm tired and not getting enough sleep. Maybe I'm cranky - ask my co-worker yesterday who I finally snapped at (he says he can piss off the pope so it was not a big deal) - maybe I'm stressed. Maybe it was the news that a good friend's husband's colon cancer has returned as well as the news that one of my husband's cousin's cancer has returned as well.

Also, this story about a dog who can detect cancer doesn't do anything for my mental state.

Life with cancer is a roller coaster. You get it, they treat it, you worry about it coming back because they haven't figured out a way to prevent that.

But I was optimistic for a few days. I am sure my optimism will return but not this week. So in the meantime my opinion of advances in cancer treatment that are anything short of a cure are 'whoop di doo'.