Pancreatic Cancer Sucks

I haven't been blogging recently because I have been emotionally stressed. It may take me a while longer to get back to it. My father, who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last May, had metastases by August 1, and was in chemo until Feb 13, died on Tuesday February 27.

Since his diagnosis with Waldenstrom's lymphoma back in 2013, I had become his oncology interpreter/assistant. I went to the important appointments and answered his questions that the doctor's don't want to answer.

Due to vein damage from chemo for his lymphoma he needed a port. When he did finally get a port, his first question was 'when do I get it out?' The doctors and nurses would not answer that question. So I told him 'once you don't need it for six months or so, you can discuss taking it out.'

I also translated back to his oncologist when asked about pain levels and he replied 'just a little over here'. I would tell the oncologist that he has had several instances of extreme pain. Once he told my sister that that the pain that caused tears in his eyes was only a 5. Later he corrected himself to say it was a '10'.

Another big step in his cancer treatment was weaning him off Wikipedia for cancer research. I had to explain to him several times that Wikipedia is not a good place to do research and that the American Cancer Society was the place to start. This took several months of 'discussion'.

Aside from losing my father, the sad part is that my medical history is what enabled me to be his oncology interpreter/assistant. For the last 8 years of his life, anytime he was going to have a new procedure, test, or other medical misadventure, he would call me up and want to know if I had had it and what was it like.

Until his pancreatic cancer metastasized, he would introduce me to his doctors as "his daughter with more ailments than him." We would both make jokes through his appointments to the point that the schedulers sometimes hinted that we might be a bit crazy. Humor got us through a lot of this but now his sense of humor is gone with him.

We will miss him and we will be very sad for a while. But it was nice I could help him decipher his diagnosis and appointments as much as I could.

Pain and Suffering

Yesterday was not a good day. Some how I did too much (who me) and ran out of steam by the end of the day. And I got some bad news.

First off, even though its been over a week since I fell, I am still not right. I run out of steam too soon and end up feeling a bit 'off' each day. I did ask Dr Google about concussion recovery and found out it usually takes a week or more to fully recover and if you are older or have health issues, it can take longer. Drat.

I want that magic wand to make me better as always.

Second, I called a friend yesterday to see how she was doing. Her husband was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer nearly seven years ago. He went into hospice just over a week ago. I have such poor timing. I called to see how she was doing and her daughter and step daughters. Then I found out he had died the night before. I felt like a heel. I had no idea.

I will send a card and go to the  wake and funeral. I feel awful I called and didn't know.

I am also sad. They were together a long time and married for ten years. Now my friend is a widow. She had retired early this year so they could spend time together.

Cancer sucks.

Its been sad

The last picture before we went to the vet.

On Thursday, we had to put our cat, Shere Khan, to sleep. He was my chemo buddy. I would sit on the couch and watch bad TV and he would snuggle. He was with me through lots of health issues in the last ten years. And he snuggled and cuddled through all of it.

My husband got him in the fall of 2001 shortly after he bought a condo. He went to a dinner party and mentioned that he was thinking about getting a cat. Presto, he went home with a cat. Shortly after, I met them both, three years later we got married and moved into a house together. Then my health started to fall apart and both of them stuck with me. I think he knew when I wasn't doing well and he supported me through it.

He was born in November 1994 which means he was over 20 when he died, old for a cat. We knew he was having health issues in the past few years and his health really went down hill in the past few months. It finally got to a point where he wasn't eating or drinking. When we brought him to the vet on Thursday, she told us he was starting to suffer from being dehydrated and it was time.

It has been incredibly difficult for me. More than I ever thought. As someone at the vet told us when we left in tears, time will heal. I have been a little depressed and been isolating myself as I mourn. I think I am turning the corner and will begin to feel better soon.

We will go on vacation soon and I hope that helps me recover more. I just need to be sad for a while.

Sad phone call

This morning I had a call from a friend who is in my breast cancer circle, N. She called because another friend from the same circle, B, is in the hospital and being moved home in hospice care. We all knew this was coming. B has been slowly going down hill since being diagnosed with metastases in early 2013. It is sad.

We talked about another friend who died of breast cancer last year. At the time B told N that something about she knew she was next. The downside of having a network of breast cancer friends there are some who go to stage IV at and then eventually they slowly go. 

I know a lot of women who have breast, or another type of, cancer. They all understand what happens with cancer and its progression. Some I know in person, like B and N, others I may have met a time or too, like J who is one year out from a stage IV diagnosis after 15 years clean since her original diagnosis, and others who I only know online. However closely I know them or at what distance, we know these calls and emails happen.

It was a sad phone call this morning. I hope to visit B soon. N will tell me after she sees her today when she would be up for a visit. It is a sad situation which I know will be repeated again and again.It is sad but it is also part of the circle of life.