Pre and Post Cancer

There is a picture of me around here from back when we were dating. My then boyfriend-now-husband asked me for a framed photo for an occasion birthday/Christmas done by a professional photographer. So I went to a local studio and had a picture done where I look young and healthy. The picture has been some place packed away for a while but now is featured prominently in his office, also know as our second bedroom.

As I walk by that picture these days, more frequently now considering where it is now positioned, I contemplate, me post cancer. In the picture I have long hair with natural blonde highlights. I was a good thirty forty (lets be honest) pounds lighter. I also look happy, healthy, rested, and younger (well it was 12 or 13 years ago).

But what really strikes me in the picture is changes that have ensued. Since then, besides getting married, I have been through a cancer diagnosis and the ensuing roller coaster, gall bladder removal, numerous back procedures, and diagnoses of degenerating disks, fibromyalgia, and rheumatoid arthritis. I have also battled things like depression (and you wonder why?) and anxiety (figure that one out).

At the other end of this ordeal, I am fighting the battle of the bulge in a serious manner. My hair some how lost its ability to get natural blonde highlights when it grew back after chemo. I now keep it short. I used to have long hair because I was too lazy to go to the hairdresser regularly.  I never used to get my nails done, but their importance grew after I lost several in chemo.

The pre and post (second) cancer me are very different. My life has changed in many ways. I am happily married, I do not work (because of my health). And I cope with my physical limitations, which are not all due to cancer.

We made big changes in our lifestyle. We moved further out from the city because I don't work and I needed one floor living. This was a very positive change. In addition, I have focused on learning more crafts - crochet, knitting, and now weaving. I also started my knitting group at a cancer support center, another positive change. I need to focus on more positive changes in my life.

My life is so different than what it was. The good changes are getting married, living in a one floor house, and learning to be more creative. I wish I had not gone through the cancer crap and other medical sh*t.

I do not consider this a new normal (that whole concept is inane to me), which was supposed to be my life one year(!!!) after cancer. This is my life. I can look at the picture of the younger, healthier me, and wish I was still as young and healthy, and that is it.

Another Ailment (In Pictures)

Recently I discovered this really neato nifty cool article on BBC of the 20 best science pictures of the year. Do you have any idea what a stem cell really looks like or a moth's scales? Who knew? Definitely worth the look.

But what really caught my eye was this picture:

Look at all the colors! Aren't they awesome? And then you wonder why are they different. That my friends, is my point.

"From multicoloured scans of parts of the human body to vivid photos of creatures up close, the finalists of the annual Wellcome Image Awards have been announced.

The thermal image above shows the temperature of two people's hands - a healthy person on the left, and someone with Raynaud's disease on the right.

Both hands were put in cold water for two minutes before being imaged. The healthy hand then warmed at a considerably faster rate.

"This image is striking because it shows so vividly the difference between normal circulation and the poor circulation of someone with Raynaud's disease - triggered by cold temperature, stress and anxiety,"..."

And yes I have that ailment, Raynaud's too. Some where I have pictures of my hands where my fingers are pure white, as if a line was drawn with a ruler - one side white and the other side almost normal.

My husband has long complained that I have cold hands and feet (that I warm up on him). With my diagnosis Raynaud's a couple of year's ago, I have to be very careful with my hands in the winter. Sometimes when I would leave work in the winter, even if wearing gloves, my hands would be so cold that I could not warm them up until I got home. 

So just another little part of my life. But the colors are really cool.

OMG A picture without makeup? How scary!

Okay, this is just dumb. As far as I am concerned this is right up there with the Facebook fad of a few years ago where women posted their bra color or purse color to show their support for women with breast cancer. It was a secret and men were not supposed to know.

But if you are daring you can post a picture of yourself, a selfie, without makeup (!!!) and text it to a UK charity to donate 3 pounds (think of this as $5). The charity has raised over 15,000 pounds (which is somewhere in the $25-30K) range depending on the day's exchange rate.

While I support small organizations which provide local support for those with cancer, I find it sad that we have evolved into a society so dependent on artifice that a selfie without makeup is supposed to be shocking.

I rarely never wear make up these days. Maybe I'm lazy, or cheap, or not hung up on the way I look, but you would not catch me participating in this because I simply hate the way I look in pictures.

On some levels it is fairly ingenious as a way to get people to donate to their organization, the no make up thing just gets me. Why couldn't they just have people text a picture of something they like? 

Weekend recovery

Most people use the weekend to recover from their work week. Today I am recovering from my weekend. My husband only got mad at me a few times for doing too much (because he says when I overdo things I have a tendency to be cranky and he would prefer me uncranky) and today I am paying the price.

Friday it snowed. A lot (in case you have been living under a rock and didn't notice). I went to the gym, my therapist, and made brownies and fish chowder. And did some work. Saturday I did a little work, peeled some wall paper, went out on my snow shoes (just on our street - I wasn't stupid and went off in the woods or anything) and took pictures of all the snow.And did some knitting.

Sunday I peeled more wall paper, helped with more shoveling - meaning I cleaned off both cars and started them and got one out of the driveway. The other required a lot more excavation.

Our neighbor was an absolutely life saver as he went around with his bob cat widening the road on Saturday afternoon and then helping clear driveway openings on Sunday for the five houses on the street.

Then we went to help a friend get her car out of long term parking where it had sat during the entire storm. She just needed a little push from my husband but had been very concerned about how much digging might be needed. We got a take out for dinner and I went to bed early.

While driving around we were  amazed at how narrow the streets are, how big the snow drifts, and how much snow in general there really is.

This morning, both arms are very sore, and my back. And in general I feel like I was run over by a truck. I will take it easy for a bit. The contractor who was here last week is coming to get his tools out of the basement but I have no idea how he will get them up these stairs and across the lawn which is buried in snow.

Then I will drag my battered body to the gym and home again. I have to get some work done today but it will involve a lot of sitting around.

A picture paints a thousand words

These pictures tell the story of what its like to be a cancer patient - The battle we didn't choose.

This is not me, these pictures are from CNN.