How The Post Cancer Brain Works

I have lots of aches and pain. This is a proven fact. You can ask any of my doctors. And I am also a klutz. And I have the battle scars to prove it.

Last week, I tripped over my father's wheelchair in the waiting room of the chemotherapy department. How embarrassing. In front of maybe 40 people waiting for their appointments. They all noticed.

This is what happened. We arrived at the hospital and my father grabbed a wheelchair. He has a bad leg so he pushes a wheelchair around instead of using a cane or walker. It's easier for him. He checked in for his appointment and we sat down to wait for him to be called. He parked the wheelchair sideways in front of the chair between us.

Then we both noticed a new quilt hanging on the wall. It's a lovely picture of lighthouse. My father suggested I take a picture of it for my cousin who quilts (as someone else was already photographing it). I got up from my seat, looking at the quilt on the wall. The next thing I knew, I was on my hands and knees in the middle of the floor.

Everyone around me gasped as they witnessed my extreme klutziness. I stood up and said I was fine. I didn't think I had damaged anything.

Then a nurse stopped by and asked if I was okay. I said I was. A second nurse stopped by and asked me to walk with her for a minute and wanted to make sure I was fine. She asked if I hit my head. I said no, just my fat butt. Finally, when my father was getting his port flushed, I think my father made a joke about me tripping over wheelchairs. His chemo nurse asked if I was the one causing all the trouble in the waiting room. I said my fat butt landed on the wheelchair but I was fine. My 'padding' saved me from any injury. Precisely I have a bruise on the back of my left thigh to show my landing point.

Why am I telling you this story? (Patience please.)

Fast forward a week: I have had a horrible cold (not as a result of my flying leap over a wheelchair). I have been spending a lot of time in bed as a result of that cold. It now seems to be getting better but I am still in hiding in case I have germs. The problem is that I seem to be having new problems with my right hip as it wraps around towards my spine. I really do not think I landed on it.

But I have had some pretty significant pain from it if I am sitting or standing for any length of time. And if I have pain that gets past my pain patch, its bad. I have been managing it by staying in bed. Yesterday I had to ice my new pain for a good 20 minutes to get it back to a reasonable level after weaving for a while - sitting in a chair.

I have decided to call my doctor because it is getting worse, not better. My cold is much better. But the pain is worse.

Finally, I am at the point of how the post cancer brain works: Is it a bruise I don't remember getting in my flying leap over the wheelchair? Or is it a BAD thing, like cancer cooties? The logic side of my brain says 'its a bruise'. The cancer side of my brain says 'its cancer and I am going to die'.

Anyone else do this?

The Truth, The Whole Truth, Nothing But The Truth

The truth about cancer treatment is very complicated. The treatment options are very deep, strong, and harsh even. They are just drastic. Because they are so drastic, they can very well cause a lot of post treatment effects - i.e., side effects. The information on side effects is not a list, but a mountain.

Yes we want the truth. Oncologists I think waffle on how much information to provide to their patients about their treatment options when faced with their treatment options. I can tell you its a lot of information to take in and absorb - and probably  not everyone is ready for that. And our doctors are unsure how much information each patient can handle at that time.

Our oncologists can give us all sorts of great information - recurrence rates, risk reduction (what the heck is that?), side effects (only a few), and how you are going to be a better and newer more normal person after all. and then, after treatment, you start to feel crappy. You are not the same. You are tired. You might be depressed even. But why? Because you didn't get the whole truth before.

At each oncologist appointment, we leave the room with a brain overflowing with information and we try to grasp everything that we are told. We are probably clutching a few brochures covering our treatment and/or diagnosis.

Did we remember everything? Probably not. Because it was too much information all at once. Even if we bring a helper to make sure all our questions are asked and their answers are written down, we still may not have gotten it all.

But as patients, we need the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

"Cancer treatment can be life-saving. It can also be life-changing—and not in that wonderful, fluffy, “positive thinking” way that extols the virtues of enduring hardship. Newly diagnosed patients need to be given the facts, fairly presented, so that they are not blindsided if, instead of getting better and better after their treatments, they slowly get worse and worse. This can be considered a fair trade-off for the chance to live longer…but, like the chance of getting lymphedema or a secondary cancer, it needs to be a risk you take with your eyes wide open."

Just tell us like it is please.

Self-Induced Diagnosis

Over the summer, I noticed (I thought) that there were a couple of moles on my face that were getting a little crusty from time to time. I resolved not to make a big deal out of them but to make sure I asked my dermatologist about them at my annual skin check. In the meantime, I should forget about them.

Of course I totally forgot about them because I have no brain these days. Then a few days ago I noticed they were a little crusty and reminded myself to ask my dermatologist. In the meantime, I self diagnosed myself with skin cancer, probably melanoma, Stage IV of course. I am so smart.

You wonder about this. I am an educated person. I know how to be rational and sane and take a pragmatic approach to my life, and its medical disasters. I have my share of medical ailments and medical disasters. I am not due any more.

But once that cancer crap gets in your brain, its hard to stop self diagnosing with more cancer crap.

My dermatologist said they were nothing and I don't need to come back for another skin check for a couple of years. My poor brain.

I forgot to blog

Okay, I am a loser. I completely forgot to blog. I went to the gym this morning, two doctor appointments, lunch in the lovely hospital cafeteria and blood work. Blood work was a tiny bit exciting when I left and got to the elevator and found out there was blood dripping down my arm. According to the tech, this kind of thing happens a couple of times a day. (Really?!)

Now I am exhausted. I am lying in bed. I did too much today. (Now there is a surprise!). I need to water my garden. I need to clean the house as I have two friends coming over tomorrow. And I have to pack because we are going on vacation (but burglars beware we have a house sitter). We leave Saturday and I haven't started packing, or even thought about it.

I need a nap. I promise to blog tomorrow morning.

Chemo brain starts with diagnosis

There has been a fair amount of research on chemobrain in recent years - yes its real. but new research shows that it starts at cancer diagnosis with the resulting PTSD. So basically you don't have to have chemo to have chemo brain. You just have to have the diagnosis.

So chemo brain or cognitive function disorder comes from stress. I definitely understand this. The new research did explore other possibilities in that cancer could impact certain thingies in the brain. But I'm sticking with stress.

You know if you are in a stressful time period or situation, your brain starts to run a mile a minute and you can't remember anything. I think we all remember where we were when we heard those words 'you have cancer', but then do we remember much else from the next few moments? And then we all start to panic on some level 'am I going to die?'. Then our brains dissolve further.

The ensuing days, weeks and months are full of stress as we try to control our panic and figure out how to handle our treatment as we make decisions - surgery, chemo, and more. Our brains keep melting. Then the chemo drugs start to have an impact on more brain cells. By the end of it all, we feel we can't remember anything.

I think for me my brain further went to mush with the onset of fibro fog, but I can't remember.

Forward thinking

After getting eight feet of snow since January 25 (less than a month ago), I am trying to be forward thinking. We are not due to get a blizzard this week - which is fortunate because we have no more places to put the snow. The city of Boston called "Uncle" a while back. Today we woke up to 29 degrees. But nevertheless it will be around 5 degrees overnight tonight.

I look at my spring gardening catalogs and think about what to plant in the garden this year. I have no hope of planting anything soon as this is my front walk.

This would be a bit better.

(This is not my front walk, a cousin sent me the picture.)

But I digress. I am trying to be forward thinking. But I have a real  problem. The *(#&%$@&^ hospital has decided that it would be better to send an individual notice for each medical appointment a week or two before it, instead of a list of all appointments.

Look, I have chemobrain, fibro fog and general forgetfulness. I need you to send me long lists of appointments so I can keep track of them, especially when you change them on me. If I knew who to complain to on this I would.

But since I do have a doctor appointment tomorrow I will be sure to ask for an updated list so I can remember.

Brainless people

I strongly believe that everyone's brains disintegrated when faced with two feet or more of snow. I had to run a bunch of errands yesterday and numerous times, people just came to a stop in the middle of the road. No turn indicators, nothing. Just a complete stop.

Now that the streets are a bit on the skinny side, there is no where to go but wait behind them. Until a fire truck comes blazing away in the opposite direction when we all drove into the snow banks.

I have no idea why this happened but it did. Several times. Enough to drive me crazy. I had a lovely day otherwise. I got a crown finished at the dentist and was told I have oral sloughing where the inside of your mouth is slowly disintegrating. The dentist thought it was due to some ingredient in my dental care products. But not for me.

A little Webmd search lead me to believe it could be caused my my RA treatment. Later I ended up at my rheumatologist where we talked about my feet and my lungs. My hands and feet are better in the terms of less active disease.

But we talked about the weird sloughing which lead to increased folic acid which led to new prescriptions which led to not being refilled which led to 20 minutes on the phone with the specialty pharmacy to find out it will now cost $35 for a one month supply and then $95 for a three month supply for 3 pills a week. It used to cost less than $5 for a four month supply. I love health insurance. It is clearly run by brainless people.

But I digress. There was an extreme lack of brain usage on the part of many people during our recent blizzard. The headline is the 61 year old woman who attacked her neighbor with a snow blower and is out on bail. Apparently all her neighbors have restraining orders against her.

I finished my day and was exhausted. I got up this morning and immediately went back to bed. I rolled out of bed at 11am. Obviously I was exhausted after dealing with brainless people all day.

Does blogging=journaling?

I just read this article about the benefits of journaling - taking pen to paper. The claims are it benefits your immune system, blood pressure and lung and liver function as well as allowing the right side of your brain to be creative.

It also gives tip for getting started. But I've clearly already started. As long as blogging equals journaling. While I am not putting pen to paper, I am putting hands to keyboard and my right brain is working (I hope).

The tips given are:

• write consistently
• consider starting each day writing
• never self edit
• write about the good, the bad and the ugly.

I would add to that -  if you have a brain like a sieve (like me), you can go back and read what you wrote so you can remember what you actually did that day. And ignore whatever your high school English teachers told you. Mine told me I couldn't form a cohesive paragraph and would never be a writer. But she was old and cranky too.

I'm taxing my brain here

These Internet hackers have to stop! They are taxing my brain! The latest is the heartbleed virus or bug or whatever it is that is forcing all of us to change our Facebook, Google (which includes Blogger, Google plus, Youtube and all sorts of other places), Yahoo, and Wikipedia among others. This is very annoying.

To reset passwords, its not as easy these days as logging in and going to account settings and bingo you are done. First they want you to remember your old password - I have no idea. I set up everything so the computer remembers it for me. Then you need to come up with a secure password which meets their criteria of enough characters, but not too many, with capitalization, numbers, and 'special characters'. Sometimes they insist on sending you a text to verify you really are you. And the new password can't be anything you have used before.

Then you need to go around and update all your devices where you use these accounts. My laptop, tablet, nook, and phone to start.

Finally you need to remember the new password. Do you have a secure system for saving your passwords? Do you keep it in an unsecured document on your computer? Do you keep it in a bunch of little cards where they are written down and scribbled updates? Do you hide it in your address book?

I have no brain. So when the world converted to the digital age from the analog one. I kept my Rolodex. It contains a few addresses that I haven't transferred and my passwords. I feel this is a very secure system. If a burglar breaks in they have to decipher my handwriting and figure out which website each belongs to. I feel this is very secure. But it has its drawbacks.

I have to remember to update it. And that doesn't always happen. I have to walk over to it and update the information. I know that recently I opened a new credit card and set up an online account but I didn't write down my log in information. I am a loser. I'll have to remember it to pay my bill, or just reset it this month when I pay.... Just like I did last month.... And the month before...

But all of this is taxing my brain. I have no brain. This is a known fact. I can't remember shit. If you tell me something today, I can guarantee I won't remember it tomorrow. I have to go write down my new passwords now before I forget and my brain is overtaxed for the day.

I'm tired

We have been on vacation - an old friend (not old in the sense of aged, but in the sense I have known her more than 30 years). Now that we have vacationed, I am tired.

We haven't stayed up late drinking. In fact last night was the only night we have had anything alcoholic to drink. We really haven't stayed up late either. But we have had some (mis)adventures.

Day one: My friend left her purse and bag in a store. When she went back to get her purse, the cashier was chasing her out the store again about the bag she left behind.

Day two: We went into downtown Burlington VT and did some shopping. When we stopped for lunch I realized I lost the parking garage ticket. I had to plead my space shot story to the guy working in the garage. Then when we got back to the hotel, I realized I lost my hotel room key card as well.

Day three: After getting a new key card at the hotel, we went to Middlebury for the day. We did get several sets of directions and didn't ever find the last store we wanted. But I don't think we left anything behind....

Day four: We went to the Shelburne Museum and had a wonderful time (I highly recommend it if you are anywhere near Burlington VT). As we left the museum, I said 'we had a good day, we didn't lose anything'. My friend told me later she considered saying 'the day isn't over yet'.

My husband called me when we were back at the hotel after the museum was closed and we had the following conversation:

Him: What did you do today?
Me: We went ot the Shelburne Museum.
Did you buy anything there?
No, we decided not to.
What did you see there?
Some great exhibits on quilting, weaving, circus trains and more.
Can you tell me why your debit card is there?
No it isn't. I have it here.
Write down this phone number - its the number of the local TD bank.You left you card in the gift shop.
No I didn't I have it here. Wait, that's the other debit card. Damn.

Then my friend got on the home with my husband so they could talk about me. Apparently I looked tired and she thought we should have left half an hour before we did.  I'm sneaky, I was actually exhausted about two hours after we arrived and we spent six hours there.... I slept really well last night.

I decided I wanted to turn the tv on so we could catch up on the news. I couldn't find the remote ANYWHERE. I went so far as to check the bags I had packed to make sure I hadn't put it in any by mistake. My friend then felt sorry for me and started to help. It was in the little stand right next to me on the bed side table the whole time.

Last evening I said to my friend 'we haven't gotten lost yet' and she reminded me that we aren't home yet. Crap.

Not a profound thought in my head

Some days I actually write a profound blog post that is coherent and other people read and share. Today is not one of those days. My brain is full and I haven't even left for work yet and here is why:

Weather: Tonight's low is going to be down around 50 - this means I need to start bringing in some plants from outside - particularly my Ponderosa lemon and my Key lime plant. They are just starting to produce fruit and I want to be able to enjoy them. But they are tropical plants and aren't supposed to be out in temperatures anywhere in the 50s. There are even some frost/freeze warnings near by.

Its New England and the summer was unplugged last weekend - it was Labor Day. Time to think about snow shoveling, raking leaves, and (brace yourself) winter. Never mind that summer doesn't really start around here until mid-June.

Flabbiness: While I didn't gain or lose weight on vacation, I came back with a vow to stop snacking at work (where there are always snacks). That lasted about two hours. I have to reinforce my will power or I will never lose weight.

Birthdays: What the hell to buy for my husband for his birthday next week? I have some ideas but he is difficult to buy for to say the least. And what to do to celebrate his birthday. Damn. I'll have to figure this one out.

Work: I'm buried. I was out for two weeks and my in box filled up as my brain emptied out while I was away. And I am getting no sympathy because I am taking another week off at the end of the month.

Crafting: My knitting is burying the house. I need to start finding places to sell it all. But first I need to finish projects, block them, and label them all. Crap.

And I have four more weeks until another doctor appointment.... (insert tiny cheer here)

See nothing profound here today. I'll try to be more profound by tomorrow but don't hold your breath.

Wallet, keys, brain cells?

In our house, those are the questions we must ask ourselves as we go out the door every morning. Wallet and keys go with out saying as you can't get very far without them. Brain cells are defined as:

- where am I going?
- what am I doing?
- when will I be home?
- am I dressed appropriately?
- did I feed the cat?
- did I lock the door?
- did I brush my teeth?
- did I take my pills?
- did I have breakfast?
- do I need lunch?
- sunglasses?
- water bottle?
- do I need anything else?
- and the list goes on.

The purpose of this question is to avoid that 'oh damn' moment 1/2 mile from home forcing a u-turn and a delayed start as we return for the rest of what we need. And to avoid the second and third or more 'oh damn' moments as it takes multiple tries to get out the door with everyone.

If I was 'perfect' (and a healthy person), this would never happen but as I am a 'sort of' healthy person with chemo brain (my excuse for the rest of my life), this is a daily occurrence. Today I am going to work so I need lunch, water bottle, mail I need to drop off, sun glasses (I think it will be a sunny day), cell phone, and probably a few more things before I can get out the door. I still need to brush my teeth but I have already taken my pills, showered, and eaten breakfast so I am feeling virtuous (for a moment or two). I might even leave early for work.

So where do I fit in?

I whine about chemo brain and lack of brain cells overall. Apparently now I am doomed. After age 50, your brain starts to shrink. So where does that leave me?

There are things you can do to reduce risk of memory loss.

- Dance - its social and exercise. It makes you interact with people and you get physically fit.
- Exercise - it grows your brain. Who knew you could reduce your waistline and increase your brain size simultaneously. This takes multi-tasking to a new level.
- Start young - I've been fairly athletic my whole life and my mother used to feed us lots of vegetables and tofu. We still eat lots of vegetables to my husband's dismay.
- Eat right - I usually do. 3 meals a day, minimal snacking, lots of home made, very little prepackaged.

Well I don't dance... I think I no longer have the coordination. But I do exercise, I have been fairly athletic my who life. I don't eat prepared food. I think I did got to a fast food restaurant this year while traveling but think we ate semi healthily.

But my problem is I am starting with lack of brain cells already. So where do I fit in if I am starting from last place? Examples of my lack of brain cells in recent days are:

- I spent two days looking for the damn spray bottle so I could work on blocking some knitting. I couldn't find it ANYWHERE. I looked all over the house. I asked my husband. I couldn't find it. I gave up and bought a new one on the way home from work last night. 15 minutes after I got home I found it on the kitchen counter, tucked into the corner right in front of me.

- I got to the gym the other day with a pair of sneakers to work out in. I had two rights, from different pairs.

- I ordered something online recently. It showed up yesterday. I stood there and stared at the package. What did I order? I couldn't remember. Was it a mail bomb? I had no idea. Then I opened it and realized I had ordered it.

Need more examples? I can go on. These are daily ocurences.Feel free to ask my husband. He finds my lack of brain cells extremely humorous.

I don't recall

I don't remember. I must have forgotten. Can you tell me again? I'm sorry, I don't recall that.

Yesterday while at work, I realized that there was yet another thing I couldn't recall. Or to put it bluntly, something else I forgot. I then started thinking about how much I couldn't remember. I realized that there was a lot I couldn't remember - yes I could remember that I couldn't remember.

My desk is a pile of post it notes of things to do. Every day when I get to work, I create a new to do list so I remember what I meant to do. Also I do get a tiny bit of satisfaction in checking completed items off the list. Then I started to think of reasons that I couldn't remember things.

• I am getting older. Its none of your business how old I am but my point is we aren't getting younger, we are getting older. Old people are allowed to forget things. I am not old. I am getting older. There is a difference. But it causes forgetfulness.
• I have chemo brain. I have been using that excuse for a while. Maybe its even true.
• Menopause causes memory lapses. I believe that it is considered to cause forgetfulness. I have chemopause or chemotherapy induced menopause which is the same thing. Or maybe twice as bad.
• I take multiple prescriptions daily. Pain meds can cause forgetfulness. 
• Dieting causes forgetfulness.
• Volunteer work causes forgetfulness.
• Cooking shows on TV cause forgetfulness.
• Daily crossword puzzles cause forgetfulness.
• Too much time on Facebook causes forgetfulness.
• Going to the gym causes forgetfulness
• Red wine causes forgetfulness
• Ice cream causes forgetfulness.
• An unfulfilled passion for fried clams causes forgetfulness.
• A need to go to the beach year round causes forgetfulness.
• Singing along to the radio in the car while no one is around  causes forgetfulness.
• Too many doctor appointments causes forgetfulness.
• Gardening causes forgetfulness. (Damn I have to plant the plants I bought last weekend!)
• Knitting and crocheting cause forgetfulness.
• Bad backs cause forgetfulness.
• Cancer causes forgetfulness.
• Being married causes forgetfulness.
• Owning a pet causes forgetfulness.

Or you can just say I am a space shot who goes through a lot of post-its. Maybe I should buy stock in Post-Its.

Lack of brain

So I claim chemo brain regularly. My husband agrees. Sometimes he even suggests I might possibly be a space shot. Today's newspaper has an article about memory loss as affecting older adults (not me) and what is normal and what is not:

What’s normal and what’s not
A memory problem is serious if it affects your daily life.

- Sometimes forgetting names or not being able to recall a word.
- Memory lapses that include walking into a room to retrieve something and then blanking on what that was.
- Forgetting where you put the keys to your car. (Forgetting how to use the keys is not normal.)

NOT NORMAL
- Forgetting how to do things you’ve done many times before, such as cooking a dessert you’ve made for years.
- Repeating phrases or stories in the same conversation.
- Unusual trouble making choices or handling money.
- Permanently forgetting the name of a close friend or relative.
- Frequently misplacing something such as a purse and putting it in inappropriate places, such as the fridge.

SOURCES: American Academy of Family Physicians, US Food and Drug Administration, Dr. Eliza Shulman

I asked my husband to read this list. He says he believes I am in the normal range. But let me tell you my side:

- Last weekend we replaced the screen door on our house and switched it so it opens from the right, not left. I still try to open it from the wrong side.

- I open the refrigerator when I was going to put something in the microwave.

- I routinely cook on an off burner.

- I can only find my car in parking lots because I can make it beep from a distance.

- Every day I have to go look at what I blogged on yesterday before I can post today.

So as you can see my brain is a sieve. But I am normal. So I can feel better. But still I claim chemo brain so the expectations are not set too high.

I am not sure how this happened

I forgot about my upcoming radiation oncologist appointment. I mean I knew it was coming but thought it was a few more weeks away. I thought I had more time before worrying about it. You can't visit an oncologist without worrying. You know you are in trouble when you make that first oncologist appointment.

I actually have two oncologists - one radiation and one medical (chemo) oncologist. I'll see my medical oncologist in a few weeks. This is my annual follow up with my radiation oncologist. I think I see her for five years or so after treatment ended to make sure there are not any long term side effects. She is a very nice Russian woman with a long hard to pronounce name so she is called Dr. G by most people. We often compare shoes in addition to talk about how I am doing. But how did I forget about this?

1. Maybe I am less stressed by the cancer business than in the past. Well that is an option and partly may be the cause.
2. I have no brain and just completely forgot about it. This is a definite option.
3. I was ignoring it and thought I had weeks to go. This is definitely part of this as well.

I am going for mostly 2 with a little bit of 1 and 3 in the mix. But now I have to get my little list of questions for her together. Basically it will be a bit of an exam followed by lots of questions. I need to bring her up to date on my other issues - include my lovely, ongoing thyroid adventures (that I am definitely ignoring).

Well today the rain has finally stopped and I am very optimistic that my garden will burst into bloom. We barely had rain for 2.5 months - one night of showers since early June - and my dahlias are very late with other flowers gone dormant for a while. But three days and more than five inches of rain later, it has turned green all over again. I am not able to stay home until my flowers bloom but must go to work all day.

What were they thinking?

I don't understand.

1. A Pop-Tarts store in Times Square. Pop-Tarts are not the most nutritiously balanced food available. They have sugar. They have white flour. They have chemicals. But when I was young (before I knew better), I loved the cinnamon frosted ones especially after they were in the toaster. But a Pop-Tarts store - 3,000 square feet of it in Times Square.

2. Teacher's union fights for Viagra coverage in their health insurance. Never mind that the school system is $30 million in debt. Its not normally covered by insurance but apparently its seen as an equality issue. Insurance costs would probably go up if they covered Viagra but apparently the teachers don't care. Its an equality issue and they are more equal than the rest of the country who doesn't have Viagra coverage. (Just think if Viagra was covered by insurance, we would all get less spam.)

3. Don't push your friends into the river if you don't know if they can swim and maybe you should all wear life jackets. This is very sad and very stupid.

Three cases of 'what were they thinking'. I don't know but clearly there needs to be some thought process somewhere.

My brain doesn't work

I do believe buried inside my skull is a brain. It just sometimes doesn't work right. I find myself forgetting to send attachments to emails chronically. I type the wrong word all the time. I meant to write 'winter' and wrote 'weekend'. I meant to write 'online' and I wrote 'long term'. I do this all the time. So sometimes if what I write doesn't make sense, this is a failure on the part of my brain which controls my typing. They just disconnect.

This morning my back is moderately unhappy with me. We had a small party yesterday and need to do some cleaning as a result. As well as eat a lot of left overs. Its also laundry day. But first I will drag my husband out on a morning stroll. He says he doesn't want to but I will persuade him.

On brains and being brainless

I was elated to read this article this morning. Well maybe not elated but relieved, happy, or something along those lines. Basically I can say that in addition to chemo brain my middle aged (am I really middle aged?) brain which can't remember taking pills but can remember the big picture of things. So more reasons that my short term brain is gone and I can go about my life happily in my space shot way.

Going back to that term middle aged, I remember as a child reading a book that referred to a 40 year old as middle aged. I thought 'wow that is really old'. From the other side of 40, I can say 40 is not old, 40 is young, 40 is a pip squeak, 40 still needs to grow up. In reality I am still 29, but 40 is not old. What are they saying now that 40 is the new 30? Well, if I'm 29, I'm still waiting to hit the old 30.

But I digress, its Monday morning and for once I have a five day work week. This means that this morning I am meeting a friend for coffee and then going for a walk and working from home. I think I even have a week without doctor appointments. I have to double check but I think that is the case.

Its going to be a wonderful day so perhaps I'll even go out and attack my weed problem. I did get out yesterday and pulled out the lily of the valley which were suffocating my poor strawberry plants and found that I have lots of almost ripe strawberries - now I have to see if I can beat the bunnies to the strawberries. There is a line of chewed strawberries on the little stone wall. Grrr... Maybe I'll let the cat out to take care of the problem. Anyway weeding makes my back hurt, Rats.

My lack of brain

From time to time, I admit I have been a bit snide about other people's mental capabilities - idiot drivers, co-workers, store clerks, etc. But I do not claim perfection in this at all. This has been clearly demonstrated recently.

- Six months ago I made an appointment for my annual physical in late April with my primary care physician who is notorious for booking appointments months in the future. Last year I ended up seeing her physician's assistant due to a scheduling problem on her end but this year I wanted to see the doctor herself - nothing against the physician's assistant but I figure sometimes I should actually see the doctor. I also have known about the date of the Stowe Weekend of Hope for a year. For some moronic reason I made the appointment for the day before the conference and then booked us into a hotel in Montreal for the week. It was only yesterday that I realized I can't be in two places at once. When I called to reschedule my doctor's appointment, I found that she is now booking appointments for September, or I could see the physician's assistant in May. I'm seeing the physician's assistant in May. I'll try again next year.

- In January I met a friend for lunch and we got one of those surveys - go enter it online and get a $5 coupon off your next visit. I took the survey home and got us the coupon and we met again for lunch on Tuesday and used the coupon and got a new survey where I said I would repeat the process. Well I know I brought the damn receipt home but can't find it anywhere. Grrr.

I think I could expand this list with more examples of my being brainless but I don't see the need to amuse you any more.

Today I will make every effort to hold my brain together. I am going for a walk this morning - once the rain lets up - and then to the eye doctor. I have been having some headaches regularly recently and figure this is a good place to start. If not maybe allergies? I don't know. I do know I need to scrape together the remaining brain cells and remember to bring my list of medications and prior eye prescription with me. Then I am getting my nails done and we are going out to dinner.

This dining out thing is hard on my diet but its been Restaurant week for the past two weeks and we always use it as a time to try new restaurants we can't afford or just haven't tried. Then the dieting will begin in earnest but the scale is already saying happy things to me.