Post Cancer Survivorship

So Becky over at BC Becky blogged about developing her post cancer survivorship plan. (Personally, I hate the S word but will suffer through it for this blog post, using it as Becky's word not mine.) Other people call it their new 'normal'. I have found it very elusive. And basically think its a crock of sh*t. However this morning I started thinking (which is dangerous) while reading Becky's post.

I have no way of reaching a new normal because I was living my new normal, post cancer since 1981. I have no way of knowing what it would be like to be an adult without cancer since I was 19 and in college at my first diagnosis.

I always forget this. I am not sure how I am capable of forgetting this. I think I keep going on the bandwagon of let's find our new normal. But I was already living the post cancer 'new normal'. This begs the question is it possible to reach a 'new normal' for a second time?

Along with hating the S word I also have a problem with the blankety-blank 'new normal' concept. But in this case, I may have found the reason why I hate this so much because I have been living it all along.

So this begs the question, what would I be like without cancer? I have no idea because I never really had the change. So you are stuck with me and my post cancer self.

I Can Be Such An Idiot

Let me tell you how much:

• Saturday I was at a craft show. At the end when I was packing up, I could not find my keys. Anywhere. I dumped out my purse twice, looked through everything I packed, checked all my pockets, several times. I was going nuts. I couldn't find them. I asked the few people that were left to see if any keys were turned in. Nothing. Finally, I was calling AAA and dumped out my purse again, and there they were. Talk about 45 minutes of stress!
• Yesterday while leaving a doctor appointment I pulled out of a parking space and clipped the car next to me. In front of the owners. My car only got a corner broken off one of the hub caps. Their car has a scratch on the bumper. They are going to see what the damage is going to cost and get in touch with me. I was mortified. How can I clip a car when I am pulling out forward of the space I backed into. MORON ME!
• Today I went shopping and after I was done and paid for my stuff, I couldn't find my keys. Again. I dumped out my purse again. I checked all my pockets. They weren't there. I asked at the desk to see if they turned in by anyone. The manager was helping me look for them. No where. He said I should leave my information at the front desk and they would contact me if anyone found them. Then I realized that maybe I left them at the register when I paid and I went back to check. They weren't there. But someone had found them outside and turned them in.

So how much of a moron am I? I blame chemo brain, fibro fog, and anything else I can think of in my tiny brain. 

I honestly believe that my ailments and all my medications cause memory and brain problems. Never mind aging, even though I am still 36. So if you want to be brainless, get ailments... They make life so much fun.

Self-Induced Diagnosis

Over the summer, I noticed (I thought) that there were a couple of moles on my face that were getting a little crusty from time to time. I resolved not to make a big deal out of them but to make sure I asked my dermatologist about them at my annual skin check. In the meantime, I should forget about them.

Of course I totally forgot about them because I have no brain these days. Then a few days ago I noticed they were a little crusty and reminded myself to ask my dermatologist. In the meantime, I self diagnosed myself with skin cancer, probably melanoma, Stage IV of course. I am so smart.

You wonder about this. I am an educated person. I know how to be rational and sane and take a pragmatic approach to my life, and its medical disasters. I have my share of medical ailments and medical disasters. I am not due any more.

But once that cancer crap gets in your brain, its hard to stop self diagnosing with more cancer crap.

My dermatologist said they were nothing and I don't need to come back for another skin check for a couple of years. My poor brain.

Pre and Post Cancer

There is a picture of me around here from back when we were dating. My then boyfriend-now-husband asked me for a framed photo for an occasion birthday/Christmas done by a professional photographer. So I went to a local studio and had a picture done where I look young and healthy. The picture has been some place packed away for a while but now is featured prominently in his office, also know as our second bedroom.

As I walk by that picture these days, more frequently now considering where it is now positioned, I contemplate, me post cancer. In the picture I have long hair with natural blonde highlights. I was a good thirty forty (lets be honest) pounds lighter. I also look happy, healthy, rested, and younger (well it was 12 or 13 years ago).

But what really strikes me in the picture is changes that have ensued. Since then, besides getting married, I have been through a cancer diagnosis and the ensuing roller coaster, gall bladder removal, numerous back procedures, and diagnoses of degenerating disks, fibromyalgia, and rheumatoid arthritis. I have also battled things like depression (and you wonder why?) and anxiety (figure that one out).

At the other end of this ordeal, I am fighting the battle of the bulge in a serious manner. My hair some how lost its ability to get natural blonde highlights when it grew back after chemo. I now keep it short. I used to have long hair because I was too lazy to go to the hairdresser regularly.  I never used to get my nails done, but their importance grew after I lost several in chemo.

The pre and post (second) cancer me are very different. My life has changed in many ways. I am happily married, I do not work (because of my health). And I cope with my physical limitations, which are not all due to cancer.

We made big changes in our lifestyle. We moved further out from the city because I don't work and I needed one floor living. This was a very positive change. In addition, I have focused on learning more crafts - crochet, knitting, and now weaving. I also started my knitting group at a cancer support center, another positive change. I need to focus on more positive changes in my life.

My life is so different than what it was. The good changes are getting married, living in a one floor house, and learning to be more creative. I wish I had not gone through the cancer crap and other medical sh*t.

I do not consider this a new normal (that whole concept is inane to me), which was supposed to be my life one year(!!!) after cancer. This is my life. I can look at the picture of the younger, healthier me, and wish I was still as young and healthy, and that is it.

Holidays with Ailments

Healthy people have a holiday celebration and they do things like: cook, socialize, eat, socialize, eat more, socialize more, eat more, socialize more. Me? I do things like: cook until my back starts hurting, lie down for a while, cook more, delegate, delegate more, eat, socialize briefly, lie down for a while, eat more, socialize more, fight off sleep while lying down, eat more, socialize more, lie down more, send off guests, sleep, wake up, socialize, go back to bed until morning.

Yes, I had to take breaks to lie down during the day yesterday. I had to take more pain meds than usual. I almost fell asleep while we had a houseful of guests. I did fall asleep while my siblings were driving home relatives and my niece, nephews, and husband were watching a movie. I got up and socialized more. Then I finally went back to bed and slept for nearly 10 hours. 

Today my back hurts at the place my doctor (who will probably be replaced soon) doesn't think is painful. Why am I not surprised? I was happy to host Thanksgiving dinner but with ailments its not as easy. I can't stand up long enough to cook for so many. I need to take breaks and rest. This also means that I have less time to socialize with family members. 

I guess what this really means is that my life has changed and I don't get to do everything I want any more (I am glad I 'finally' figured that out..... Call me slow.)

But it was enjoyable. I just need to learn to remember to plan my abilities better.

I Was Too Busy To Blog

Its the truth. I was too busy to blog. Tomorrow we are hosting Thanksgiving dinner for the first time. My mother, after 45 years of hosting Thanksgiving, has decided that she wants to go to someone else's house for dinner. Now I do admit to doing a fair amount of the cooking for the past 30 years or so, but its the first time at our house. In our new house with its big living room and open to the kitchen dining room which is why we now can host. In our new house with all my health ailments.

That's okay, my husband helped a lot and I can always take a nap if I get tired. Since I have cooked, I do not do dishes.

So anyway, today I have:

• brined the turkey
• chopped celery and onions for two kinds of stuffing
• chopped vegetables for veggies and dip
• made a pecan pie
• chopped the Brussels sprouts
• Set up beds for four guests after finding the sheets, pillows and blankets
• Went to Michaels (for a frame for the picture that should have gone on the wall weeks ago), the grocery store (for butter - you can't make Thanksgiving dinner with two sticks of butter, bagels and cream cheese), and the drugstore for my two prescriptions that I needed. 

I still have to:

• Make the dip for veggies and dip
• Wash and trim the green beans
• Set up our pill boxes for the next week
• Order take out for dinner
• Make a second dinner for our house guests that will show up around 9pm.

So all that being said, I am exhausted (but don't tell my brother or husband or they will start telling me what to do all the time). I need to take care of our pill boxes and go to bed early. And sleep late.

With my health ailments (and even before then), I do not do well with not enough sleep. I need sleep, I need sleep, I need sleep. Last night I was so tired I fell asleep before taking my giant pile of nighttime pills. I did wake up in the middle of the night and took the important ones which won't mess up with my morning pills (some need to be spaced out). 

But I digress. I do not want my health ailments to interfere with my enjoyment of Thanksgiving. I want to be able to enjoy spending time with everyone. After I sleep and take all my pills. And delegate more cooking stuff.

Its A Miracle

I have been running around like a crazy person for the last few days, and will continue to over do things all through the long holiday weekend with three days of four house guests, hosting the big dinner, and then two craft shows over the weekend.

Although I was completely exhausted by yesterday afternoon, I noticed a lack of noticeable amounts of pain. I was so tired I couldn't stay awake after dinner - in bed before 8 (and feeling no shame about it). I went to bed, did wake up for an hour or so, but feel rested this morning. I hope to take a significant nap this afternoon as well.

But pain? I have been doing pretty well. I had a doctor appointment yesterday where they asked me my pain levels and I thought about it and said maybe a 2 or 3. That is not bad for me. What was hurting? Back, right shoulder, left hip, and right elbow. But my back was being okay. I have been doing all the good things, such as taking my pills, not carrying things around, etc. But I have been doing a lot.

This is a miracle. Even though I have been exerting myself and doing what many people will tell me is too much (yesterday was one doctor appointment, one PT appointment, gym, Trader Joe's, Bed Bath & Beyond, and Best Buy), I have not been debilitated by significant pain recently. (Knock wood).

My fatigue continues to dominate my life but its nice to be (sort of) pain free. I'll just schedule a daily nap as needed.