The Idiots At the TSA in LAX

Did you hear the story about the woman who was basically groped and abused by the TSA at LAX? Sure it made a tiny story on CNN and now they just show the video with the title "Breast Cancer Patient Livid After TSA Screening'. Then I went and read the full story on the woman's blog. 

The TSA has issued a small apology but apparently they don't get it. Even their supervisor in the video is pretty darn useless.

Seriously Deborah, the woman in the video, told the TSA agents she had breast cancer and they still didn't get it. Really? She is undergoing cancer treatment and you treat her like a piece of crap.

Getting Back On Track

This morning I actually feel rested. Actually I felt pretty rested yesterday morning as well. But my day got hijacked and I ended up spending several hours with my father taking him to a doctor appointment (broken second metatarsal in his left foot at age 88) and then x-rays, back to the doctor, and then home. And then home to our house. I was totally exhausted by the time I got home at 430.

But then I slept for close to 9 hours without waking up. So this morning I will go to the gym, then get my hair cut, and go to the library. Then I will stay home and finish what I never got to yesterday. I need to get back on track.

What works best for me is to go out and do things during the first half of the day and then stay home for the afternoon for the most part. I often need to rest in the afternoon so if I am out all afternoon, I lose that key resting time. This will also allow me to eat regularly.

If I skip lunch I have a tendency to eat a lot of crap just before dinner. Yesterday I didn't get lunch. My father and I kept asking each other if we wanted to get something to eat. We both said we weren't hungry so we never got lunch. Eventually, we decided we just wanted to get out of there and never ate lunch.

So when I got home after dropping off my father, it was 430. I first ate a chocolate chip cookie (which also has cinnamon, clove, oatmeal, and pecans - oatmeal is most important) and then I ate some cheese and crackers. Then, 400+ calories later, I decided I needed to wait until dinner. I should have had an apple or an orange and a big glass of water - you wonder why I struggle with losing weight.

I should be home by noon and can then do what I need to do. I need to be back on my schedule. Rest and food are very important and I need to schedule them in to my life regularly.

Wallowing

Recently I have been wallowing a bit too much. A few years back (2010 to be precise) I blogged about my wallowing rule - 3 day maximum. I have said that I have been whining but really what it is is wallowing.

What is the definition of wallowing? (since it is such a 'common' word. Most people probably haven't considered it since some word test back in high school):

wallow
verb (intransitive)
1. (esp of certain animals) to roll about in mud, water, etc, for pleasure
2. to move about with difficulty
3. to indulge oneself in possessions, emotion, etc: to wallow in self-pity

See? Definition #3 is exactly what I mean.

I think I have been wallowing in self pity, or the stress of more medical ailments.... I am not sure which one I prefer. If you add in lack of sleep and fatigue, ta da! You get wallowing.

After blogging yesterday, I realized I have been wallowing. I need to change my focus and be more positive. That has been hard to do when I haven't been getting enough sleep, been very busy with craft shows, Thanksgiving, house guests, concussion, and stress, depression, and anxiety, and new medical ailments. (But otherwise I am a very healthy person).

So my goals are to do less wallowing and do more positive things. Today are my first steps:

• I am meeting a friend for lunch and a little shopping.
• I am going to research CPAP machines so they aren't a looming mystery (causing stress).
• I am going to fit more fun into my life. 

Being home and not having the benefit of going to work and seeing other human beings, I find I can easily let myself get depressed and then stressed which means anxiety. This is not a good combination. 

Now that we have been here for almost a year, I need to find more things to do to keep my sanity. I might breakdown and go to events at the senior center (even though I am too young to join). But I will pull my positive attitude out of my back pocket and stick a smile on my face to rejoin the human race.

More Ailments

So yesterday I blogged about my stupid sleep test, CPAP machines, and other whininess. I wrote that I have a new ailment, and what's another ailment. But seriously, another ailment? I don't really want another ailment. In fact, I am kind of sick of being sick and having ailments and more ailments.

Honestly I just want to stop having ailments, be a healthy person, and and have a life. I mean what do I do now? I go to the gym three times a week. I go to doctor appointments and PT now. I don't go to work. The only other places I go regularly are the library, grocery store, and knitting group.

I would prefer to do thinks like go to the beach, go hiking, go skiing or snow shoeing, garden more. I just feel like whining today.  And my car was sliding around in the snow.

I did my sleep test with the CPAP machine. The tech was happy to show me how much smaller the full face mask was that I got instead of the older bigger ones. I don't care. I felt like I was back in the hospital after surgery with the cannula and a combination of when I had an endoscopy and had to deal with that damn tube down my throat. Needless to say, I wasn't comfortable. I couldn't reach over and have a sip of water when I wanted.

I am not looking forward to when my damn CPAP arrives and I have to use it. Whine over. For now.

Managing That Sleep Thing

Yesterday I got to my last craft show of the season. I got set up and then sat down in my booth to regroup before the show started. I was nice and warm and I started to fall asleep. At 9 o'clock in the morning. In front of hundreds of people. Several times during the day, I had to get up and walk around (and steal fudge samples from the booth next to me for the caffeine) to stay awake.

Why do I get so tired? One of the many reasons is the fatigue caused by my fibromyalgia (and its insomnia) and rheumatoid, to a lesser degree. It also turns out I have been diagnosed with sleep apnea which causes me not to sleep very well. (What's another ailment along with all the others? I have stopped keeping count.)

Because of my reports to my primary care that I get so tired sometimes I can't stay awake and  need to nap extensively, she sent me for a sleep test back in September. It came back with reports of Apnea. So tonight I am going to another sleep test, to try out a CPAP machine. (I am so excited, I can't wait.)

If I end up with a CPAP that has a giant mask on it, I won't be happy. I think the new ones have something under your nose only. I don't think I can sleep with a big mask on my face.

At this point, I would be happy with a good night's sleep regularly.

Breast Cancer Idiocy

First day of radiation treatment. I look like I'm about to make a run for it which is accurate. Radiation is frightening to me. Something about not being able to see the laser, see the treatment and having this machine moving around you just scares me. I'm sure I'll get used to it but right now.... I hate it. #radiation#radiationmondaysucks #stillfightinglikeagirl

This is a picture of Shannen Doherty, from '90210', as she starts radiation for breast cancer. Why do I call this idiocy? Her business managers allowed her health insurance to lapse. She had to sue them. Can you believe that?

What competent person would allow health insurance to lapse when they were responsible for other people's insurance.

A cancer diagnosis is stressful enough but if the 'moron's (and I use the term loosely) let your insurance to lapse, that would be insanity. Even though insurance regulations have changed so that the pre-existing condition clause is no longer legal, who wants that extra burden on you as well?

If you think what the costs of breast cancer treatment can amount to, that could bankrupt just about any one without insurance.

My message to Shannen: I hope you sued the pants of those idiots. And yes, you can make it through breast cancer treatment. Hugs to you!

Expectations vs. Abilities

Sometimes expectations exceed abilities. But the real problem is when other people's expectations of me exceed my abilities. For example, last week we saw family friends and agreed we need to make it an annual event. It was suggested to me, actually I was told, that we should alternate hosting and my husband and I should host next year.

Um, that doesn't work for me.

I have major limitations on what I can and can't do. I do not go out much at night because I get too tired. We don't entertain much again because I get too tired. Or end up in pain.

No I am not meeting for drinks at 9pm. I am going to be in bed by then. No I am not going for a little walk because you want to. But we could go out and have a cup of coffee or you could come here and we could have tea. Anytime we plan on doing something, there always have to be an out - can I cancel at any time because I need a nap or to lie down.

I am learning to manage my expectations regarding my abilities, but it is clear I need to learn better how to manage other people's expectations.

When I worked, I was a big fan of managing up. This is where you train your manager to understand what you do well and what you are like. It is clear I need to learn to manage my friends and family. No one more trip down or upstairs is not what I am about to do anytime soon. Nor, once I have said I am exhausted, I am not going to stick around for another cup of tea. I am heading home to lie down.

I feel like a recording when I keep saying 'no' but I will have to keep doing so until they get it, which may be never. In the meantime, we will not be hosting an evening get together next year. Maybe during the day, unless I need a nap