Bad Dreams

(Subtitle: How to drive yourself insane crazy.)
Life on a medical roller coaster sucks. As a potentially sane person you do your best to tamp down any part of those 'what if' fears during the day time. This is a big part of learning to cope with a crappy medical diagnosis, especially a cancer one.

But then comes night time. You are trying to sleep and you dream about 'bad things'. All those evil little 'what ifs' come lurking into your head. Then you can't sleep. Then you are cranky because you are tired. And you can't control your brain because you didn't get enough rest.

Post Breast Cancer, Happiness Is A Clear Mammogram

I had my mammogram last week. I don't talk about these ahead of time because I don't feel the need to. If I feel the need to, you can bet my blog will be covered in mammogram information.

But even if I don't talk about it, doesn't mean I am not thinking about it. You can bet I was thinking about it. I was convinced that I had a recurrence and I timed my mammogram (for two days before my annual oncologist appointment). I was sure I had a something.

I had already started putting together a plan in my head on how I was going to handle it, tell people, deal with treatment, talk to my oncologist on Friday about it. I was positive.

I can convince myself I am going to die next week if I really try. Anyone who has gone through a cancer diagnosis can easily convince themselves its back. Face it, there is always that little tiny voice in the back of your head that says you know it has come back. It whispers in your ear while you are sleeping, or trying to sleep, in the middle of the night.

But I am so happy that it was clean, nothing exciting to talk about. I talked with my oncologist about it just to be sure. But in the meantime, I am happy.

Yes you may call me crazy

So what things are bad for my dilapidated body? Standing, lifting, spending long periods of time walking around, etc.

And what have I done? Back in 2007 during chemo, a friend told me I needed a hobby so I relearned how to knit and crochet. Voila, I became addicted and have a giant yarn stash. So I started selling my scarves and such at local craft shows.

I started in 2012 with one show, last year with 5 or so, this year I think I have 8. Or maybe its 9. In addition to knitting, I have started making hair pieces and clips reusing old clip on earrings. (I hope someone likes them besides me.)

What am I thinking? My back hurts this morning already before I am leaving. I will be standing on a hard floor all day, after bending, lifting, and carrying for a couple hours. I am sure I will be in 'perfect' condition by the end of the show.

And then I need to stop by the outlet mall and buy a pair of new sneakers. (Another non-friendly back activity).

Tomorrow, it will be a repeat. Except this show will be 15 minutes from home instead of 45 minutes.

Monday I will do a lot of sitting around and taking pain meds and icing my back.

All of this is self inflicted so you may feel free to call me crazy.

But craft shows allow me to have a creative outlet who's benefits have been researched and noted - knitting can be as beneficial as meditating - and raise a little cash to buy more yarn. And knit more.