Blogosphere, Here I Am

I'm finally back in the blogosphere. (I'm not sure I like that term but I'll use it). Blogging really helps me cope with life. Its where I share my emotions and thoughts and I've missed it. But I did need the hibernation.

Since the middle of February, when my father stopped his chemo and was gone in two weeks, until now, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. I have been lucky enough not to have lost a family member since my grandmother passed away in 1983 so this was very difficult. In addition, my health made it more difficult for me to do much to help the rest of my family pull together the memorial service, help clean out my parent's house (my father was a packrat in many ways), and spend more time with my mother. We have also had visiting relatives to deal with.

Last week, we left town for a week to take a much needed break and went to a friend's daughter's wedding in the Midwest. The physical distance let me strengthen the break so I have returned mentally healthier but more exhausted from our travels.

However I have a backlog of emotional issues to work through. Which is why I am back to blogging. This blog allows me to work through my emotions and cope with my decrepit body.

I think my focus may switch from breast cancer for a bit but I'm back.

Some Days Are Better Than Others

Yesterday was not one of the good days. No, I did not have a health catastrophe. But I had a couple of emotional/stress related catastrophes. To recover I went to the gym and destress by abusing my body on the stationary bike for a while. (Until my phone started ringing and I had to take the call because of other stress issues.)

And other stress happened. But I took a deep breath, had a glass of wine with dinner (a very yummy meal as we got some acorn fed pork from a friend). With dinner I made an apple chutney with cloves and a sweet potato hash. Cooking helps destress me. The fancier the meal the more stressed I am.

I hope today is a better day. I am staying home because of another tiny snow storm. In the meantime, I am sitting up in bed and hanging out with Boots. That should help my stress too. Boots is always relaxed.

Your Brain On Cancer

Once you enter cancerland, your brain takes detours all the time. Where do these detours go? BAD PLACES!

"Is that a zit? No, of course not. Its a tumor. Must be skin cancer."
"A headache? No, a brain tumor. Dead in 3 months."
"Is that a swollen lymph node? Quick, leukemia or lymphoma, which one?"

As you can easily see you brain with cancer goes down the wrong roads. Usually in the middle of the night. Or when your are stuck in traffic by yourself.

You start making little deals with yourself. "I'll wait a month and see if its still a problem. No, a month? No three weeks. Wait, two weeks. Maybe ten days. Do I have any blood work coming up? Maybe that will tell me something."

"Wait, am I a lunatic? Actually thinking like this will turn me into a lunatic!"

The big thing is to learn to control your brain so it doesn't take all the detours. That is the really hard part of living with cancer. Your brain develops a this ability to drive you crazy and lead you into bad places. You need to get it under control so you can keep your sanity and avoid things like depression and anxiety.

Its a lifelong problem. It will never go away.  Such is cancerland.

Another Potential Cure And A Stressor

I do not know if I should be elated or frustrated or what. Here is another potential miracle 'cure' for cancer. No, I am not reading the back pages of some magazine but from a very reputable source. I realize these 'breakthroughs' happen all the time but they do cause stress to us cancer people.

I am not sure how much other people realize the amount of stress the constant barrage of potential news telling us about potential cures - with the supposition that it should be positive and provide hope for us. However, there are two problems with this.

The first one is that not all potential 'cures' ever pan out into something real. Second the amount of time to find out if it will actually work - usually more than a decade.  For people diagnosed with late stage cancer often do not have that long to wait. Think about those facts for a moment.

Its like you are chasing a carrot on a stick that keeps on being pulled away from you. Always just out of reach. And flitting away at the last minute. Eternally unavailable. This is incredibly stressful.

I started following all the breast cancer stuff in 2007, a decade ago. Now I am finally seeing some progress from new breakthroughs which were announced then. That was a long time to wait. The only personal benefit I have seen so far is the announcement that I get to stay on Femara (an aromatase inhibitor for probably ten years total). I have seen some other advancements in radiation given differently and for shorter periods of time.

My attitude is to ignore all these advancements. I like the ideas behind  this advancement. But I can't waste time getting hopeful about this one.

"Esculin is a chemical that naturally occurs in the horse chestnut and is beneficial to circulatory health.

Researcher Dr Jan Grimm said: ‘The possibility of developing a topical application from the gel makes this innovation an attractive potential improvement to current techniques of cancer imaging.’"

That is a very short version of the breakthrough. Use the link above to read more. But for me its another carrot on a stick that is held constantly just past my fingertips. I will ignore it until in 20 years it turns into a real advancement to keep my stress level down.

Blogging In The New Year

I have many plans for 2018.

For my health, I hope to have a healthier 2018 than 2017 was. Honestly I do not think I can deal with any more ailments. I hope I can be healthier.

For my blog, I hope to go back to blogging regularly. I started blogging about breast cancer and have continued to blog through the roller coaster of the rest of my health. This all started in 2007, more than ten years ago. While I have been blogging almost every day, in the last few years I might have slowed down a little and skipped a day here and there.

Then last summer, I made the decision, due to travel and other plans, to take my blog off line for a few weeks. While the internet can be a wonderful thing, it can also be stressful and depressing. Many mental health professionals tell people to stay off the internet. So as I would be traveling and would not have access to the internet, I decided just to take a break.

Unfortunately I have not gotten back into regular blogging since. Blogging provides me emotional support. It provides me a way to cope with my feelings and emotions as I deal with my health and other issues. I need to get back to regular blogging to help myself deal with life.

For my stressors, I hope to get back on top of them. I have a couple of significant issues going on in my life that I am not ready to deal with - mostly because they are not resolved. Both are beyond my control. And one of them is not my story to tell so I am not going to blog about it until it is resolved. In the meantime both cause me stress. And I need to work on my coping and get on top of them.

Life with cancer and other medical issues is not easy. I am unique in that my pile of issues is not common. I can find support in many areas but unfortunately not in a single one. This requires me to spread myself thin in coping.

But my goal in 2018 is to blog regularly throughout the year and thus cope better. Here's to a Happy New Year and more blogging!

Supporting Your Friends Through Your Cancer

Say what? You know that line 'don't my your problems, my problems'? This is clearly the case here. Yes, sometimes your friends want emotional support because of your illness.

One of my closest friends mostly vanished from my life during my treatment. Yes she has a very busy schedule and she had a small child at that time. Her mother was also very ill. But I missed her emotional support during that time.

Currently and in the past, we would talk at least once a week and get together once a month. But during that treatment time period, I didn't talk to her for months. I had other friends but I missed her. Later one of our mutual friends told me she had a very hard time dealing with my diagnosis. So maybe it was better we did not talk as often.

I am not blaming her at all. I had enough going on dealing with my diagnosis and treatment that I couldn't have coped with anything else. Today's 'Ask Amy' column rang a bell for me:

"Dear Amy: I’ve recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and have focused my emotional bandwidth on my family, my health and curing my cancer. I have a huge support system that includes family and friends. One of my close friends is having trouble coming to terms with my diagnosis, as well as my not taking her up on her offers of help (yet).

"This friend called a few nights ago sobbing and looking to me to help her feel better about my diagnosis and my long-term prospects. My diagnosis isn’t as good as it could be, but it’s also not as bad as it could be. I did my best to help her understand, and then changed the subject.

I’d really rather not be calming down my friends when inside I’m losing my mind with the slow pace of health care and juggling my appointments and treatments.

Is there a gentle and polite way to explain the “grief circles” to her that’s nonconfrontational? I could really use some help, as I have months and months of work concentrating on my health ahead. I’d like to kindly and gently explain to my friend that I cannot be the person making her feel better about my illness.

Your suggestions?  —Not Dead in California

"Dear Not Dead: “Grief circles,” otherwise known as “ring theory” conceptualizes the important idea that, when dealing with tough or tragic times, it is important for the person at the center of the circle (that’s you) to preserve her strength by only dealing with the person most intimately involved in her care — this might be a spouse, family member, or friend. Other relationships arrange outward in concentric rings. This is called the “kvetching order.” 

The person at the center of the ring (you) can say anything (complain, cry, howl at the moon) to those in outer rings, but those in outer rings should limit their own needs, fears, and statements and focus only on being helpful. No unsolicited advice, no raging at the injustice of it all, no demands for comfort or constant updates. 

Honestly, this seems so logical that it should not need to be spelled out, but understand that ring theory is mainly for you — to give you permission to react the way you want to during a time when you need to preserve your strength (and “emotional bandwidth”). In short, you are not supposed to be worrying about how to be gentle and polite, comforting your friend through your crisis.

You could say, “I understand that this is hard for you, but I can’t help you through this. I’ve got too much on my plate. I hope you understand.” Encourage her to contact someone else in an outer ring when she is upset."

I can honestly understand that some people fall apart when people they care about get a nasty medical diagnosis. I think that is what happened with my friend. Our diminished communication was her way of coping. We are now closer friends than ever.

Today Is The Big Day

I have been waiting for this day for nearly five weeks. This is the day I go see my surgeon for a follow up. I have my fingers crossed that all is well and I am given the green light.... to drive that is.

I have not been able to drive since October 5, the date of my surgery. Originally I expected that my surgery would be a minor arthroscopic clean up of my knee and I would be all healed by now. But now, during surgery they found what they really needed to do was to repair my meniscus so I don't lose any more stability in my right knee (I need all the stability I can get as my left knee has a torn ACL and likes to give way sometimes).

So they did the right thing (and I don't regret this at all) and repaired my knee. When I woke up they told me its four to five months until I am healed. At my first follow up, ten days after surgery, I asked if I could drive and was told not yet.

Today is my five week (minus one day) follow up and I have had three weeks of PT so far, so I hope this is the big day and I am allowed to drive.

If I am not given the green light to drive, I will probably cry. If not in the doctor's office but later on. Its so restrictive and depressing to be stuck at home. Walter, my husband, works all day. I have been begging drives off people, taking cabs, etc.

But I have over due library books, I can't go to the grocery store, I can't get together with friends. I am at home all day from 7am to 5pm, five days a week. To top it off, I have had a cold since last Thursday. Today I am finally feeling normal, after 14 hours of sleep. And I have been eating too much left over Halloween candy.

Its not that I want to go out all day, every day. I just want to get out of the house and see other people. Its I just want my life back. I wouldn't mind going to the gym but I am sure that's another few weeks.

So cross your fingers for me. Or send me kleenex.

One Last Story on How Life Sucks After Breast Cancer

Okay, maybe I have been in a rut because I have been stuck at home after knee surgery because I can't drive. Or maybe because I have a cold that I am obsessing on crappy lives after cancer. Or maybe the internet gods had their stars align and all these stories ended up on my laptop in the same time period. But I hope this will be the last one for a while.

Here's the story of a young woman who lost both her husband and her sister because of her lengthy cancer treatment.

"“The reality is that probably four out of seven days I’m in bed,” explains the 39-year-old, who lives with her mother at Bundall.

“I’ve had my left hip replaced. My right hip is headed the same way. The pain is excruciating and I’m on some heavy duty pain relief. My lungs have been affected. I had my gall bladder removed last year. I’ve developed cataracts."

Kate Carlyle is a former radio personality from Brisbane Australia. In the past eight years she has gone through two breast cancer diagnoses and a leukemia diagnosis which required a bone marrow transplant. The bone marrow transplant is what cost her a sister - her sister could donate but became pregnant and couldn't donate at the last minute - causing a long term rift which continues today. She was saved by an anonymous European donor.

The stress of her cancer roller coaster cost her her husband. She is not the first to lose a spouse over the stress of cancer diagnosis. But it just makes things suckier. During cancer treatment is you are not at your best to deal with marital issues.

So yes, life after cancer can be very sucky. They don't tell you all this. Yes you can get divorced or have a long term rift with a sibling without involving cancer treatment. But when you are coping with a significant health issue you don't need the other crap.

So as Kate says in the end: "“I love being alive and if that means I have to battle through at times, so be it.”"

Being alive is the most important thing. It is the goal of any cancer treatment - to still be here for all the little things in life - birthdays, anniversaries, marriages, friends, family, change of seasons, butterflies,...

A Sort of Medical Vacation

I can't drive for the next three weeks - until November 8. I was concerned about all the doctor appointments I booked for myself after this week's surgery follow up when I thought I would be given permission to drive again.

Then I got a bright idea. I am going to take a 'medical vacation' and not go to the doctor until after my next surgical follow up. I mean why not? A mental medical vacation is a great thing to do several times a year. I was talking to a friend who's husband had gone through colon cancer. She talked about having a week off as being a sorely wanted break. I want three weeks off. Because I am whiney. And because I can't get there.

I have found a Lyft driver to get me to physical therapy which starts this Friday (and continues for six to eight weeks). I have arranged a discount rate to fit my budget. But the most important thing about my medical vacation is that I do not need to go to the big 'hospital' any time soon. I can't even drive my father there because I can't drive....

Back when I used to work for a non profit which provided support groups for cancer patients, one of our main features was that our support groups did not require patients to go back to that 'hospital' where all the bad stuff happens - like surgery and diagnosis. There is a huge emotional burden on cancer patients every time they head back to the damn hospital (and it does become a 'damn' hospital pretty quickly).

One day, I was heading for the hospital to go to their evening breast cancer support group. I was hit by a huge wave of emotion that I really did not want to go back there again. I had been there too much. I had too many bad things happen there - two cancer diagnoses. I didn't not want to be there any more than I had to. And no I don't go to that support group any more.

So that was the long way of saying, I am on a medical vacation. I will go to PT three times a week and do my exercises. But I will not go to the doctor - with six or seven appointments in November alone.

Having Fun With Other Friends

Recently I blogged about being aggravated and frustrated when having lunch with a couple of old friends. I was very upset by the end of that lunch so much that I woke up aggravated and frustrated the next morning. I knew it was time for a change. I won't be spending much time with either of them any more. I know they are upset. Well I am upset too. Sometimes its like talking to a brick wall with some people.

Since cancer, I can no longer count the number of friends I have lost. There was one old friend who I reconnected with on Facebook after breast cancer. We were talking about lunch sometime, until I told her about my breast cancer and instantly she was no longer available. There are many others too.

I have also had people who have become so toxic and negative I can no longer emotionally afford to be in contact with them. I have blocked them on FB, blocked their phone numbers, and more. As my health declines I can't afford the stress of toxic and negative people.

So what have I been doing with my time? Making new friends and having fun with other friends - the nice supportive kind.

I've been busy. This week I have already been out for a nice dinner with a friend and her husband and son and my husband, out to lunch and shopping with another friend, and today I am going to the Garden Club. I have plenty of people to have fun with.

I don't need to deal with people who stress me out. I feel like this is a win for me.

Off To My Primary Care

This morning I go off to my primary care for my annual physical. Although there are lingering thoughts of 'what if she finds something bad', I will squish them down for the duration.

However after cancer, even though you have all sorts of oncologists and other fun doctors, your primary care is the one who is supposed to oversee your care. Hence, I have a paltry list of 15 questions for her. And I assume I will be sent for blood work after and maybe other tests. I expect I will be there for a few hours.

I am looking forward to talking to her about multiple issues that do not fall under the care of any of my bazillion specialists. And there are a few. If someone (besides me) can pull all my medical crap  together and make sense of it, I will be happy.

After I will go to the gym to work off any residual stress.

Clearing Your Plate For Better Balance

With a slew of health ailments comes lots of responsibility.  I need to take responsibility for taking my medications, getting to my doctor appointments, getting to the gym to keep a minimal bit of fitness, as well as basic household stuff (laundry, groceries, garden, etc) as much as I am able. I also need to take care of my emotional self.

Therefore I need to clear my plate of crap and balance myself better. There are some things which should just be taken right off my plate. These include:

• Anyone else's problem. Sorry. I don't have time for them. I'll talk to you about them. Commiserate with you about them. But I will not stress or worry for you. Sorry.
• Anything that is beyond my control. Idiots in Washington, or any other politician anywhere in the world. The weather. Climate change. Hurricanes or blizzards. 
• Anyone who is trying to make me feel bad. If you don't like how I look, what I am wearing, what I am knitting or reading, etc. Sorry. That's your problem. Not mine. As a result you will find you see me a lot less because I don't have time for your attitude.

All of the above has just be pushed off the edge waiting for the waiter with the crumb scraper to clean them up and throw them away.

As a result of doing this I may appear unsympathetic to some but I am trying to preserve any remnants of my sanity. 

If you find yourself overstressed, try clearing your plate of anything you can. You can't take on the burdens of your friends and family members. You can be concerned but you need to focus on yourself. Start getting rid of the things similar to what I took off my plate and see if you can achieve better balance.

I Need Playtime Too

A new study finds that pediatric cancer patients can avoid anxiety required anesthesia before radiation treatment... by... (wait for it) ...substituting playtime. This was the result of  work by a nurse at Johns Hopkins who found that there was no standard protocol other than to routinely give anesthesia to pediatric patients.

"What we found was that we had no standard; we were just basically signing kids up for anesthesia because they were anxious, because of the unknowns. We had complications happen under anesthesia and radiation. Another component was that it was taking up a lot of time. Now, with this program, we can avoid the risk and complications that come along with anesthesia as well as give back that precious time to the family. Kids get stressed staying in radiation too long."
There is a commercial that features a male pediatric oncology nurse giving a patient a shot (I think) and distracts her by singing a song with her. Why only for kids?

I could use playtime to avoid anesthesia before some stressful occasions. Why not?

Honestly every time I go for some stupid scan I don't want to sit in a chair and stress about what they may or may not find after two cancer diagnoses. Nor do I want to watch a TV program on something I don't care about. Nor do I want to pretend to read a book or articles on my tablet.

I would prefer to be playing games and having fun. Or out having coffee with a friend. Or anywhere but in a sterile waiting room watching my blood pressure go through the roof.

Let's start a movement to make hospital waiting rooms less sterile and more focused on patients needs. Where I go waiting rooms have padded chairs, wifi, TV, and usually exterior windows. I want more than that. I want snacks. I want volunteers wandering around talking to patients to help them relax. I want bright colors. (I really just want to be healthy and never have to go to the hospital but I also know that's not going to happen.)

Medical care has come a long way in terms of being more patient friendly but I think there is a long way to go to help reduce patient stress.

Decision Making

Back in junior high I think, we had a class where we were instructed for the next class to make a list of all the decisions we had made in that 24 hour period. I thought I did it right and came into class the next day with a list of three decisions I had made. I quickly learned how wrong I was.

Another student stood up with his list and it was long - it listed everything from deciding when to leave the classroom the day before, which way to turn in the hallway, whether to got his locker or not, etc.

How wrong was I? Phenomenally. And it was a big learning lesson for me as well.

We make decisions constantly. What to eat for breakfast, when to get out of bed, what to wear, when to shower, what to eat. We make most decisions fairly easily because they are habits or because they are fairly simple. Do I want eggs for breakfast or a yogurt and fruit?

But when we come to medical decisions, they can get very complicated. The first ones are usually easy - does that hurt enough and for long enough that I should call my doctor? Which doctor to call? Then they can quickly get complicated. Surgery? Post treatment options?

For cancer, you can throw in all those fun decisions - chemotherapy, radiation, immunotherapy, and more. Part of the decision making process can include not just whether to try some of the treatment options but how difficult will they be to survive them. Also what about your quality of life during treatment?

We constantly make decisions. Some are just harder than others. We just need to decide what is most important to us at that time and then make our decision.

What To Do When A Family Member Has Cancer

Its different when a friend has cancer than when its a family member. When you live in the same house as someone with cancer, you need to be a bit more proactive and protective than when its not someone in the same house.

For the person with cancer, they are probably feeling a bit stressed, to say the least. They may isolate themselves or they may act in an uncharacteristic manner - drinking more, eating more or less, etc. Their whole being is probably focused on their diagnosis and how they feel, which may or may not be very well. They are contemplating their odds, their upcoming treatment, etc.

This is not a time to make undue stress on them. They need their time to regain some emotional equilibrium. They do not need reminders to take their medications, eat food, or interact with people. You can ask once but do not nag or stress them. They are not in a good place.

The most important things that they need right now is support. They may need trips to the doctor. They may want help finding more research on their health.

They do not need aggravation. Trust me. I've been there.

Family relations can be complicated. This is not a time to complicate them further. This is a time to uncomplicate them so quit all the drama.

Finding Good Medical Resources

This always amazes me. People get diagnosed with a medical ailment and then don't use the good medical resources available. If you need medical information, you need to do a little research to find the resources.

A good patient takes time to learn about any significant medical ailment so they better understand their health. If you are educated you will be less stressed and potentially handle your ailment better. You really do not want to just jump on the internet and google your ailment. That is the worst thing to do.

A good first step is to ask your doctor who diagnosed you on where you can get good information. Its their field of study so they will know where to find information. My doctor at my breast cancer diagnosis sent me to breastcancer.org, komen.org and the American Cancer Society (cancer.org). He said not to believe any information I found on line.

If you forgot to ask your doctor the question, you can start by finding where that type of medical specialty hang out on line. For example, at my rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis, I googled 'rheumatology doctor associations USA'. I ended up at the American College of Rheumatologists (ascr.us). They had a link to patient information on their front page. Then I found the American College of Rheumatology (rheumatology.org). Those two links found me lots of information that really helped me.

For any kind of cancer, I always start at the American Cancer Society (cancer.org) I do not consider any other site to provide information of any value on cancer, except for the American Cancer Institute and a few other government type sites.

Another place to start are accredited resources for general medical information. The one's I consider good are:

• WebMD - webmd.com
• Mayo Clinic - mayoclinic.org
• The website for the hospital where I go - Lahey Medical Center - lahey.org.

I do not consider any other resources to be any good. Why? Because I cannot substantiate their credibility.

It always saddens me when I hear people quoting misinformation they found on line which is completely wrong or just incomplete. That does not help them at all. Take the time to learn about your health so you can be healthier and less stress.

My Capabilities

I just want to make a statement about my capabilities. I have been 'accused' of only doing what I want and ignoring my responsibilities. That is wrong. I only do what I can. I need rest. I need time to recover from doing anything.

Saturday we went to the beach for a couple hours. I mostly sat there and then we went out for an early dinner. When we got home, I was exhausted and lay down in bed. Yesterday I was too tired and we stayed home and I took a nap.

I have to make sure not to over exert myself. I don't ignore my responsibilities. I just try to do as much as I can without exhausting myself too much. Topic closed.

Call me Ms. Grumpy

I am very grumpy these days. I think part of it is juggling my medical issues. But its also that I have been dealing with a lot of pain, and in new body parts. I am still on that never ending roller coaster of 'wait its another doctor appointment' each week. Also, my stupid CPAP machine doesn't help me. I have given up even using it because the mask doesn't work for me.

Last night I almost cancelled all my plans for today to stay home and pout. But I realize pouting never got anyone anything so I ditched that. I did get some good sleep last night which helps. And my reward today is getting my nails done this afternoon after I go to the gym.

This just goes to show the strain of living with chronic ailments (two cancer diagnoses, fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis, multiple problems with my back) and conditions (pain, discomfort, depression). You go to the doctor to get treated but having to keep going to the doctor gets depressing. I think I have served my seven year tenure and deserve a year sabbatical from all medical appointments and medications (as if that would ever happen).

So today I am grumpy. I can't find my phone and know it isn't charged so maybe I'll just be phoneless today. That might not be a bad idea. I'll go to the gym and take my grumpiness with me and burn it out during cardio.

Risk Vs. Worry

You get cancer, get treated, and they say 'here, go on with your life'. (That last part is so helpful! NOT.) Somewhere in the middle of all that treatment crap, they give you all the numbers about statistics - which,as the patient, we interpret wrong. If they say you have a 99% chance of living five years, all us patients put ourselves into the 1% who are not going to make it. (And we ignore the fact that the entire 99% could be hit by a bus at any time.)

Over at 'The Big C and Me', I read today's post by Renn about 'Five Years and Counting' and she included the American Cancer Society's statistic about survival rates for stage II breast cancer. Then I read this post about cancer people mis-interpreting risk and worrying too much - When Does Worry Outweigh Risk. The article starts with:

"For patients with breast cancer — even after treatment — worries about risk are common. Patients wonder, could the cancer come back? Will it spread throughout the body?"

Obviously whoever wrote this has never had breast cancer. Of course we worry, its cancer. Anyway, some research was done and they found after talking to 1000 women with breast cancer diagnoses behind them and found:

"They found 36 percent of the DCIS patients and 25 percent of the low-risk patients substantially overestimated their risk of distant recurrence.

Women who overestimated their risk were three times more likely to report worry about recurrence. They had higher distress scores and lower mental health."

This surprises them? Anyway, go read the whole thing here. They go on to talk about how patients need to understand the differences in risk - when is it low and when it is higher and the difference between local (won't kill you) and distant (the bad kind) recurrences. How patients need to talk to  their doctors more about this and learn about all this so they don't end up with 'higher distress and lower mental health'. 

(These people clearly do not have breast cancer. They don't understand us.) We had cancer and we are going to worry. We just need to learn to manage the risk 

I have had cancer twice now and I do worry about the risk. I had cancer once and my worst fears came to pass when I got it again. So now I am not supposed to worry about getting it again? How's that going to happen?

I'm going to work on worrying that risk thing again still so I don't have 'higher distress scores and lower mental health'. I have a therapist and one of my supposed diagnoses is 'post cancer depression'. When I get past the depression for the first cancer, I'll work on the depression for the second cancer. But I will work on it.

I Was Too Busy To Blog

Its the truth. I was too busy to blog. Tomorrow we are hosting Thanksgiving dinner for the first time. My mother, after 45 years of hosting Thanksgiving, has decided that she wants to go to someone else's house for dinner. Now I do admit to doing a fair amount of the cooking for the past 30 years or so, but its the first time at our house. In our new house with its big living room and open to the kitchen dining room which is why we now can host. In our new house with all my health ailments.

That's okay, my husband helped a lot and I can always take a nap if I get tired. Since I have cooked, I do not do dishes.

So anyway, today I have:

• brined the turkey
• chopped celery and onions for two kinds of stuffing
• chopped vegetables for veggies and dip
• made a pecan pie
• chopped the Brussels sprouts
• Set up beds for four guests after finding the sheets, pillows and blankets
• Went to Michaels (for a frame for the picture that should have gone on the wall weeks ago), the grocery store (for butter - you can't make Thanksgiving dinner with two sticks of butter, bagels and cream cheese), and the drugstore for my two prescriptions that I needed. 

I still have to:

• Make the dip for veggies and dip
• Wash and trim the green beans
• Set up our pill boxes for the next week
• Order take out for dinner
• Make a second dinner for our house guests that will show up around 9pm.

So all that being said, I am exhausted (but don't tell my brother or husband or they will start telling me what to do all the time). I need to take care of our pill boxes and go to bed early. And sleep late.

With my health ailments (and even before then), I do not do well with not enough sleep. I need sleep, I need sleep, I need sleep. Last night I was so tired I fell asleep before taking my giant pile of nighttime pills. I did wake up in the middle of the night and took the important ones which won't mess up with my morning pills (some need to be spaced out). 

But I digress. I do not want my health ailments to interfere with my enjoyment of Thanksgiving. I want to be able to enjoy spending time with everyone. After I sleep and take all my pills. And delegate more cooking stuff.