Coming Back to Life

We are slowly coming back to life. We are all still very sad about my father's death. But his service is finally this weekend. 

At the last minute he decided to donate his body to benefit others. However due to his age, 89, and his cause of death, cancer (love those circulating cancer cells), options were limited. He donated his body to Harvard Medical School for research. They will keep his body for up to two years, but more like 12-18 months and then return his ashes to us. 

In the meantime we are having a celebration of life type service at a local Unitarian church this weekend. The service should provide some sense of closure for all of us and help us start to put our grief behind us. 

However, in the process of putting together the service, all of our emotions are riding high and we are stressed. There are a lot of opinions and thoughts that create some conflict. But I think we will be able to pull this together and start the process of healing. 

One of the reasons I did not discuss my father's health before his death is it was not my story to tell. It was his story. I may have alluded to caring for someone and taking someone to doctor appointments but for the most part I kept it to myself.

I am trying to take care of myself as much as possible. My knee continues to heal. My exhaustion continues to thrive. And when I miss my daily nap, I tend to get cranky and go to bed early. 

Post Surgery Recovery

Its exactly 8 weeks and one day since my knee surgery that made me rest more for longer than I have had to in many years. I was told 4-5 months of rehab for my meniscus repair. Now I am at the end of month two and realize I still have many more weeks of rehab in front of me.

The first month I was not allowed to drive so I sat around and gained back the ten pounds I had just lost. I got a lot of reading and knitting done and binge watched way too much TV. The cats liked me to be home and sit around a lot so they got attention. I had to postpone many doctor appointments. The only thing I did get to do was go to physical therapy twice a week.

In the second month, I was allowed to drive and do more things. I started going out of the house and going to all the postponed doctor appointments as well as the grocery store, library, etc, as well as PT. This meant as I resumed my normal activities I hit the exhaustion plateau more frequently. I got out of shape (and fat) while sitting around for a month.

In addition, as I am doing more, I am making my knee hurt. Every PT session starts with ten minutes on the bike to get started. Yesterday, at minute 6 my knee started hurting so I had to move on to other tortures prematurely. The therapists told me its because I have been exerting myself that my knee is telling me that its not quite ready for everything I am putting it through quite yet.

At the beginning of the third month, I am seeing the end of PT. Three more visits to go before I return to the gym. I think the only reason I am ending PT so soon is because the gym I go to (for dilapidated people) is run by physical therapists and I will revise my workout with one of them before any exercise.

But at least I can look forward to going to the gym. The gym is where I spent nearly two hours three days a week. I chat with lots of different people there as well as get in a good workout. Its a big event for me - both the exercise and the socializing. I can't wait.

I just hope my knee is up to it. I realize that I can't just hop back into an hour of cardio followed by 45 minutes or more of stretching, weights, and resistance exercises. But I am getting frustrated with the amount of effort it takes me to do much along with the length of recovery required afterwards. Also, its the wrong season to sit around with an ice pack on my knee....

I am recovering. If I have come this far in two months, I should be able to get back in shape in another two.... I hope?

Being Busy

I have not blogged for a couple of days because I have been busy. It was wonderful to be busy.

I have spent so much time by myself over the last six weeks. I have kept myself busy and on some levels, very productive. The only people I have seen with any frequency, other than my husband, are the physical therapists when I go to PT twice a week. I have been starved for the sight of other people. I needed face to face interactions.

Normally I spend a lot of time on my own which I don't mind. But over the course of a week, I would go to the gym three times, go to the grocery store, the library, my parents house, and see a friend or two. But I had six weeks of nothing. A friend drove me to the doctor, my sister and my cousin took me to PT once. I took a cab to PT. I could only go to the grocery or library when my husband was off work.

But this past weekend I had two craft shows. They were really busy. I probably did too much walking and standing on my knee (never mind my back and all the rest of my body which hates me today). But I talked to dozens of people each day. I interacted with the public. And it was wonderful.

I know I will be paying the price for the rest of the week and need lots of rest (and ice packs and heating pads). However my mood is greatly improved. I needed interactions with the outside

Living the life of an isolated unhealthy person, if it is compounded by a period of enforced isolation, can be very stressful. All of a sudden you are encircled by a wall of limitations and restrictions.

So this week I will spend a fair amount of time recovering from two days in the outside world. But I will take myself places - PT, lunch with a friend, the grocery store, library - all on my schedule. I am back into my world where I can pace myself as I want.

Number Nine

Surgery number nine was yesterday. I thought the surgeon was going to clean out my knee arthroscopically so it would no longer catch and lock up. That was a good idea.

Everything went as planned - including me being STARVING by the time we got there at 1pm after not eating since the night before - until I woke up after surgery. That's when I found out the bad news.

Well its a good news/bad news situation. The good news is that the surgeon fixed my knee so it will no longer catch - which is amazingly painful when it happens. The bad news is the repair is more complicated than the original plan. Instead of a clean out, he repaired my meniscus. This surgery is not usually done on people over 25 but I think since the tear was where it was repair was better than removal. However, recovery is four to five MONTHS instead of four to five WEEKS. A 'minor' difference.

And I have a giant brace I need to keep on all the time except when showering (and I can't shower until tomorrow). This brace is so big it doesn't tighten up around my leg except near my knee. And, and, and, and, and, and,.....

This isn't the best picture but I took it lying in bed with my leg out straight in front of me. You will notice the TED stocking I am supposed to wear every day as well. Its still drying from when I washed it last night. It might take a few more hours to dry.

I will say this is the first surgery that I woke up to a 'surprise' since Number One in 1981 where it turned out it wasn't a 'goiter' and was 'thyroid cancer'. But that doesn't matter. This just sucks.

However, there is plenty of ice cream in my freezer. My husband is home for the next four days straight to take care of me. I can weight bear because of the stupid ass brace and my cane so I can get around pretty easily on the one floor of our house. The cat even slept on my knee last night (as he likes too) which was okay because of the brace so he didn't squish me.

Can you hear me being grumpy already? I have to double check when I can drive because its my right knee. And the pain level is fine. I already have pain meds and can take them when I want but I only needed one last night and am okay so far today. I think I need to get more ice to put on my knee. Crabbiness may prevail for the next few days.

Forming the New Plan (Part 3)

So, my new plan is forming. I have done some thinking and some research. I also talked to my therapist and she gave me a few ideas. My biggest weakness is that I cannot over-schedule, over-commit, or over-stress myself. I need to pace myself.

I have found some events to attend - a gardening as therapy event at the library and the next monthly Garden Club meeting. Of course they are only two days apart. I hope to get my husband to go to the first one with me as it is on a Sunday. He might.

Going forward I hope to join the garden club, but their year runs September - June. They only have two more meetings this spring. I am also going to keep my eyes out for more events at the library.

So if I find an event or two there each month, add the garden club meetings, that will get me out of the house more. I should actually learn some things there too.

That's my first step. I also plan to reach out to the Senior Center to see if I can do something there. My therapist suggested starting a knitting/needlework group there. They already have a knitting group that meets at the exact same time as my other knitting group at the cancer support center.

However, I am not sure I want to commit myself to another weekly obligation. Well, its not that I don't want to commit, its that I am not sure I am physically able to commit to one. (See that's the problem....)

Starting in April, gardening season will begin and I can fill my time outside. No I can't plant anything until mid-May but I can plan and prepare. I have already started my snapdragons inside.

Then I have a friend coming to visit in May. I will go to the beach to visit another friend in June for a few days. More travel over the summer.

This is a start. The plan will continue to come together.

This is me getting my mental state together again and forming a new plan.

Back To Reality

Groan! We were on vacation for two weeks. Most of the time we were on the ocean. We have been home for a few days already but I allowed myself to stay in vacation mode until this morning. In the past two weeks, I:

• Have not had a doctor appointment - that changes as of 1045 AM this morning. I have an appointment with my therapist. Later this week I see the periodontist and have a medical exam for my Social Security Disability application. 
• Gone to the gym - I thought I needed a break. I haven't been sitting on my butt. I have gone and floated around the ocean and made sure I did get some exercise in.
• Taken care of housework or home repairs or work - Back to repainting the rooms in the house. I will start with one wall of the basement today. It will probably take me several days to finish because I have to rest in between but I really hate the dark navy blue that is on two of the walls down there. I figure it will take me a year to paint at this rate. The cleaning lady is coming on Wednesday so I also have to tidy up so she can clean.
• Gotten together with any friends. I am meeting one for lunch tomorrow and will probably catch up with a couple others on the phone in the next few days.

But this has been a welcome break. I don't think its a vacation if you keep doing all the things you normally do. Even thought I do not go to work any more, I do need a change of pace from time to time and get away from it all. 

Not having doctor appointments is a nice break. I tried not to think about my medical issues except when I am in so much pain I couldn't do anything. It was a needed mental health break. 

I usually go to the gym three times a week. I have felt a bit flabby from time to time but I also wanted to see how I physically do without going to the gym. A big part of it was to see if I actually had a reduction in pain by not exercising. Or to state it differently, are my regular workouts causing pain or other problems.

I have no schedule for painting the house. I just hate the colors the rooms were painted. I have no expectations that I am a perfect painter but since I can't work any more, I can't justify paying someone to paint. Nor to I expect to rush through this as I am so limited in my physical abilities. But its one thing that I can do to help around the house. 

Not talking to friends is fine. We were with my family and its not like I have a huge social calendar that needs to be juggled. I will catch up with all in the next few weeks. 

An emotional break from a lot of obligations made me relax more. Unfortunately it has to come to an end and I will go to the gym and my therapist this morning to get back in the swing of things. 

Sometimes I Feel I Am Being Lazy

I run into the problem that I feel like I am being lazy because I don't do much during the day often. Yesterday afternoon I felt I should have been doing more than just sit around most of the time. But I really was not up to more. Yesterday I did not have a good day. My right hip and spine were giving me so much pain I spent the afternoon doing a lot of nothing. I even used the drive through at Walgreens to pick up my prescriptions so I didn't have to walk through the store. Maybe I should have taken fewer books out of the library.

I was also really tired from having fun. I think I got about 10 hours of sleep last night. I was also exhausted. Completely exhausted. I need to do a lot more 'laziness' today and try to be productive while not moving around and recovering.

Today I am doing my usual Tuesday schedule which means I have nothing planned. I have to finish doing the laundry but I also need to rest. Usually on Tuesdays I have time to start projects that I can finish over the next few weeks. I think this week I will not start any projects. I will watch my garden grow as I do laundry and a lot of nothing.

And try not to feel lazy. But I need to be lazy. Its called 'recovering'.

Recovery Mode

One of my oldest and best friends came to visit with her husband. Now I need to recover. No alcohol. No walking around. No standing. No doing anything. And only salad for the next month.

Also I need to rest. They left under an hour ago. I am lying in bed with my feet up. Waiting for a pain pill to kick in so I can begin to move again.

And I forgot I have a doctor appointment tomorrow morning. Damn.

However I spent the last five days having fun and not being any kind of patient. It was worth it.

A Recovery Day

This has been a chaotic week. I am exhausted. Why you ask? I worked and attempted to be a normal person. Monday I worked until 130 and went for a 90 minute walk with a friend. Tuesday I worked until 130 and went to the gym and then got my hair cut. Wednesday I drove my father to a doctor appointment, worked for 5 hours, picked him back up, and went to the grocery store. Thursday I worked from 8 until 2 and was very tired driving home.

When I got home from work yesterday, I took a nap until dinner. (My husband was happy to let me keep sleeping but the DAMN cat wanted food and wouldn't leave me alone.) Then I got up and cooked and ate dinner and went back to bed.

I did read for a little while but I was asleep by 830 and woke up at 7. I did sort of wake up a couple times in the middle of the night. But mostly slept through it. The DAMN cat again needed me to get up and feed him. So I did get up, feed him, make lunch for my husband, go back to bed.

I do have plans for today but they allow for a lot of down time. My goals are:
- return two library books before they become over due
- get my blood work dealt with
- get Walter's prescriptions dealt with
- make dinner for tonight as my parents are coming over - all of it is made ahead and they will leave early and I can go to bed early again.
- catch up on bad tv watching - the TIVO is pretty full.
- catch up on knitting which bad tv watching
- maybe take a nap
- go to the gym

I will not go to work. I will not run around all day. My errands will take my three stops and except for the time spent at the gym, they will take about 45 minutes.

It was a stressful week at work dealing with technical support issues, new computers, and lots of marketing that is my real job.

Its a recovery day. My body does not handle too much work and running around any more. So it is a recovery day. Herbal tea with my feet up sound good.

Today you can call me 'Pajama Girl'

I have been very busy recently. I worked Monday and Tuesday. I made pies and did all sorts of things Wednesday. My brother arrived Wednesday evening with chaos (four nieces and nephews) and we had spaghetti and meatballs and salad for dinner. Yesterday morning we cooked more - my older nephew helped make a cabbage dish and my younger nephew helped make the scalloped potatoes. We went for a walk. I was exhausted by 2pm but went and picked up my aunt and uncle and we went to my parents house for a big dinner where we all ate too much. By 7pm or so, I was done for the day so my husband brought me home.

I went to bed early so I could recover and get to today's planned activities. These consist of buying a birthday present for my younger nephew who hit the ripe old age of 9 recently and recovering from the past two days. He found what he wanted on Amazon so it is now en route to him and I got to stay in my pajamas. Everyone else has taken a shower and gotten dressed.

My brother started calling me 'pajama girl' in that loving and sarcastic sibling tone - evidently I wasn't setting a good example for the kids. I will take a shower shortly but the cat is stressed because too many children have been interrupting his naps and right now he is snuggled up against me to recover. When I over do things (like I have for the past few days) I need time to recover from the exhaustion.

I have probably less than an hour and then I will take my younger niece and nephew to the used bookstore and a little local shopping. This will be local shopping, where you park the car in the center of town and walk around to the different stores - like in the old days. No malls will be involved.

Then we will head over to my parents house for some more food - left overs. Because we didn't eat enough yesterday and there are lots of left overs. After that I will come home and put on pajamas again.

I did mean to go to the gym today but I don't think that is happening. Maybe tomorrow. Or maybe I'll be pajama girl again.

I am ready for convalescence

But first the latest in breast cancer detection is a sheep. Yes, really. Read more here.

So after cancer, there is depression and anger and all sorts of other emotions. The Victorians did one thing right, aside from introducing extreme modesty to piano legs (that's why everything was draped - so legs didn't show), after a significant illness they sent everyone off to convalescent clinics in the Swiss alps or the Adirondacks or some other remote place. This allowed emotional recovery from the illness as well as physical.

Now they say 25-40% of those of us lucky enough to get cancer suffer from depression. Who would have thunk? I mean you get the biggest shock of your life, deal with surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation, and all sorts of nasty tests and procedures, and you get depressed? I mean who wouldn't? You are bald, fat/thin, feel like crap, look like crap, and are trying not to lose your lunch. What do you get in return? More fun medical tests and procedures on a regular basis.

I think what I need is a convalescence where I don't have to go to the doctor, I don't have to have medical adventures, and I can actually start to get better and possibly have no new medical diagnoses. A long vacation is really what it is. That would be perfect.

Things you can't do with one arm

I have limited mobility in my left arm since surgery and it will take some time to get it back. I have found I can't do the following:

wash or brush my hair
make a ponytail
get dressed easily
pick up big things
do laundry (darn!)

Very aggravating!

(Walter is learning to make ponytails.)

A shower!

Showering is wonderful. Showering with one hand is difficult. Also, I have giant bottles of shampoo and conditioner that I can't handle with one hand! Maybe we buy some little bottles today.

I need to get some exercise and move around a bit more. Therefore our big excursion today is the grocery store - its flat, air conditioned, and we can get the few things we need. Its too hot to walk outside and I am not sure I can make it up the big hill!


No more chipmunks but Shere-Khan is still looking for them!