Back On The Fitness Bandwagon

Finally, I am back on the fitness bandwagon. This week is my first full week of three days at the gym. Finally. I am excited, but exhausted.

According to my card at the gym, I had an extended absence from October 4 to December 20. I was so excited to go back. But have forced myself to take it easy. With the help of the physical therapist at the gym, I cut back my exercise plan significantly. I cut down on the weight I use, the time I do cardio, and added a number of specific 'knee strengthening' exercises. I also have spent three weeks only going twice a week.

Its killing me.

Every time I leave the gym, I am exhausted. and I come home and lie down for an hour or so to recover. This is more than in the past. I was so tired yesterday when I got home from the gym, I tried to knit while exhausted and ended up having to pull it all out again and start over.

I guess I got out of shape.

This is a big week. First of all its my first week of going to the gym three times as opposed to twice a week for the past three weeks. Second, I have my three month follow up with the surgeon this morning. I just hope he doesn't tell me to slow down

I feel significantly flabbier these days because I spent three months sitting around. This has put me out of shape. With RA and fibromyalgia I can't just push myself like healthy people. I am going to have to take it slow for a while. Maybe in six months I will be back at my old workout routine and not as exhausted as I have been.

My Capabilities

I just want to make a statement about my capabilities. I have been 'accused' of only doing what I want and ignoring my responsibilities. That is wrong. I only do what I can. I need rest. I need time to recover from doing anything.

Saturday we went to the beach for a couple hours. I mostly sat there and then we went out for an early dinner. When we got home, I was exhausted and lay down in bed. Yesterday I was too tired and we stayed home and I took a nap.

I have to make sure not to over exert myself. I don't ignore my responsibilities. I just try to do as much as I can without exhausting myself too much. Topic closed.

Expectations vs. Abilities

Sometimes expectations exceed abilities. But the real problem is when other people's expectations of me exceed my abilities. For example, last week we saw family friends and agreed we need to make it an annual event. It was suggested to me, actually I was told, that we should alternate hosting and my husband and I should host next year.

Um, that doesn't work for me.

I have major limitations on what I can and can't do. I do not go out much at night because I get too tired. We don't entertain much again because I get too tired. Or end up in pain.

No I am not meeting for drinks at 9pm. I am going to be in bed by then. No I am not going for a little walk because you want to. But we could go out and have a cup of coffee or you could come here and we could have tea. Anytime we plan on doing something, there always have to be an out - can I cancel at any time because I need a nap or to lie down.

I am learning to manage my expectations regarding my abilities, but it is clear I need to learn better how to manage other people's expectations.

When I worked, I was a big fan of managing up. This is where you train your manager to understand what you do well and what you are like. It is clear I need to learn to manage my friends and family. No one more trip down or upstairs is not what I am about to do anytime soon. Nor, once I have said I am exhausted, I am not going to stick around for another cup of tea. I am heading home to lie down.

I feel like a recording when I keep saying 'no' but I will have to keep doing so until they get it, which may be never. In the meantime, we will not be hosting an evening get together next year. Maybe during the day, unless I need a nap

And how am I doing?

I blogged about my difficult decision. I blogged about our new cats. I haven't blogged about me.

Honestly, I am not doing that great. I have been exhausted for a while. On vacation I would sleep a lot and was feeling caught up on sleep. Since coming home, I have been exhausted. After two nights in our bed, I have slept well but am still exhausted. I woke up a while ago and am still in bed and will probably go back to sleep.

My knee is a clear source of stress. It has a tendency to give way, even while wearing a brace, which is not fun. I start PT next week and will see how it goes. I plan to talk to the physical therapist about my knee giving way before I call my doctor back. Its not making me happy.

I am also feeling emotionally drained. It was a big effort to leave our long planned vacation. My first thought on driving home was to call my therapist and get in to see her. But I am not sure of my schedule this week and I have an appointment in a couple weeks anyway. Maybe I just need to go into emotional hiding for a bit and lick my wounds for a few days.

In some ways its a bit of relief that I stood my ground and left. Everything is now out in the open.

I need a nap. Bye.

It all caught up to me

Exhaustion that is. I have been riding this wave of feeling okay most of the time. This happens every so often. Wednesday I felt it a bit. I came in the door at 530 after getting my nails done (a post chemo personal preference - after destroying my nails in chemo, I appreciate them much more now) and felt a wave of exhaustion come over me. We did go out to dinner anyway. I figured I would be okay if I just went to bed after that.

Yesterday I was okay in the morning and made it through work, a couple errands and the grocery store. By the time I got home, I was tired and decided I needed to lie down for an hour before making dinner. An hour later I got up and told my husband it was left overs in the microwave for dinner and back to bed for me.

I was exhausted. I was more than exhausted. I slept all night. The alarm went off and I slept for another hour.

I am still tired but I think I can get through today and probably cook dinner.

This is what happens to me. I function normally and do normal non-energetic things. Then all of a sudden I am completely wiped out. Exhausted.

Tomorrow I hope to sleep late. Maybe even get that crucial 12 hours of sleep. Thank you fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis for doing this to me.

Semi retirement

I have decided my life has entered a phase of semi-retirement. Now this may change in the future if my RA will get under control and my fibro decides to go away or some other miracle occurs. This means I have cut back on many things that I do.

I no longer mind playing the wimp. I need to take my husband's computer to the repair shop because he got an evil virus which tells him the FBI wants him and they really don't (or at least not that we know). My husband will put the computer in the car this morning. I will drive over and double park out front and go in and tell them I need assistance getting it out of the car - waving my arm with my wrist splint on it. I used to suck it up and try to carrying things I probably shouldn't.

I have become a firm believer in PJs at 5pm. And if my husband can be 'persuaded' to cook dinner while I can be lazy.

I am no longer a supporter of the 35-40 hour work week. I support the 18 hour work week plus a few hours if I am able.

I no longer believe evenings are good for social events and activities. Weekends are just fine. I can't get in my PJs at 5 if I have to go out later.

Why am I semi-retiring? Because I need my nap time. Today I am being lazy. I have a dr apt at 945 and them am getting my nails done at 11. I also have to drop off the computer, go to the book store, and have a webinar from home, but that is plenty for today. I am exhausted this morning and I slept well  last night.

We had dinner guests Saturday night (take out Chinese) and a pot luck brunch on Sunday. Monday I worked for my requisite 6 hours and met a friend for a walk. Yesterday I worked my 6 hours and went to the gym for probably 75% of my work out. Then I ran an hour meeting. I got home and needed to go to bed. I was wiped out.

My goal by the end of today is that I am recovered and revived but it will take a lot of quiet time.

My long term goal is to get my RA under control and my fibro managed so I can resume having a social life. But for that I will have to be the patient patient.

A long day

I no longer have the ability to last for a whole day without getting tired. I had a long day yesterday and then was exhausted as a result. I went to my radiation oncologist for a follow up at 830 (she said I was doing fine and see me in six months - yippee!). Then I tried to go to the gym but there were no parking places so I came home and dragged Walter out on a walk before going to work for the afternoon. It wasn't that long a walk. Work was chaotic because there was a power outage which meant we had ceiling lights and phones due to the generator but no computers or classroom lights. And the damn phone wouldn't stop wringing. But I got to leave and rush off to my ankle MRI - which was running 30 minutes behind and I didn't get home until nearly 7. I was exhausted. I heated up chili for dinner and went to bed at 9 pm. Now I have nothing against going to bed early, in fact I do it often. But its not often that I am flat out exhausted by that time and fall asleep immediately. Grrr! This morning I am okay but have three more long days in front of me. Triple Grr!

Yesterday was not as smooth as it could have been. First of all was the weight issue. (I'm not telling.) I got up and weighed myself as I do periodically and was gratified to see that the scale is actually going in the right direction. But then they weighed me at the doctor's office - on this really old scale. It said five pounds more than I was at home - which I pointed out to the nurse in hopes that she would write down my number and not her's - to no avail. When I arrived to my MRI, they asked twice what I weigh. I hate writing down what I weigh - mostly because I hate the damn number. The first time I wrote down what I had hoped the scale would say yesterday morning. The second time I left it blank so they could figure it out if they really need to. My personal little rebellion. Cancer treatment makes you fat. And back pain medication makes you fat. That's all I'll say about it.

The other issue was the list of medications issue. I always keep it on my computer and print it out before medical appointments and sometimes they ask me if I have it with me but usually they don't. I have had the same list in my purse for a couple of weeks. Well yesterday morning they asked me for it and I gave them my list. Then at my MRI, they wanted a copy of my list so I was supposed to REMEMBER it! What were they thinking? I don't know. So I made it up. Well, I did try to be truthful but frankly there are so many things on it and I don't remember the doses of everything. So I left a bunch of blanks and guestimated the rest.

Today I have to get moving to get to work so I can come home when its light out and drag Walter out on a walk. (But I could use a morning nap.)