Aggravated, Frustrated, And More

Yesterday I had lunch with two friends who I have known for a very long time. One since the 1970s and the other since the 1980s. While I have sensed over the years they do not understand what I am going through. Yesterday revealed the truth. They do not have a clue. I was so aggravated when I left lunch and I woke up aggravated about it this morning. They were insensitive, self centered, and ignorant of my limitations.

I made a lunch reservation and had hoped to be there first so I could get a table with chairs and not a padded bench, which can sometimes be difficult for my back. As my friend, A, was already seated, I decided I wasn't going to make a big deal out of it as the bench seemed okay at first.

We chit chatted a few minutes waiting for B to show up. She was late. She is always late. She is incapable of getting anywhere on time. I find this very frustrating because I am limited to how long I can be out with my health issues. She doesn't get it.

When B showed up, she told us why she was late: she did text us as she was about to leave but then she had to put everything in her car. Then she realized she forgot her phone so she went back. Finally she realized that she forgot her laptop and, as she was going to work after lunch, she would have to go back and get it. And every statement she makes she knocks her hands on the table so it makes it shake which hurts my back. I just sit with my hands off the table. She always bangs around.

Lunch was very good. We took our time so we could chat and catch up. We split a dessert and kept yakking away, with the table being pounded on by both. I think they do it without realizing it.

A few statements were made by them: 'She (a relative of a friend) must be very sick because she takes 20 prescriptions'. (I have that many, or more). 'Why doesn't your back get better?' (For how many decades do we need to talk about this?)

Eventually, after almost 2 hours, I said something about my back hurting. B said 'I thought we were going to have a nice long lunch'. How long is a long lunch - 5 hours? Then A pulled out a set of probably 50 pictures to show us, in great detail, one by one, with descriptions.

Finally I just said I have to go because my back is killing me. I made a point of standing up. But then we had to stop so the hostess could take a group picture of us..... Arghhhh. I just needed to get in my car and its supportive, contoured car seat, with no more vibration from the table.

What upsets me the most is that they just do not understand. They claim to be some of my oldest friends but have no idea of what I deal with day to day. I do not expect my friends to keep up with every detail of my health. I just want them to have a general understanding of my health and that I have many limitations. And that I am not getting better anytime soon.

What this means in the end, I will not spend as much time with them in the future. If they can't realize that I have limitations and am not very helpful. I don't think they are my friends any more.

Stop Changing Your Mind Please

[A breast cancer tumor imaged with a technique that highlights aspects of its microenvironment.
NATIONAL CANCER INSTITUTE/UNIV. OF CHICAGO COMPREHENSIVE CANCER CENTER]I really wish they would stop changing their mind. I know several women who have had chemo before surgery to reduce the size of their tumor. If you have a woman who has a fairly large tumor and chemo before surgery has the benefit of reducing their surgery - maybe from a mastectomy to a lumpectomy. This is actually a huge benefit. The surgery is so much less drastic. 

"The main goal of pre-operative (neoadjuvant) chemotherapy for breast cancer is to shrink tumors so women can have a lumpectomy rather than a more invasive mastectomy. It was therefore initially used only on large tumors after being introduced about 25 years ago. But as fewer and fewer women were diagnosed with large breast tumors, pre-op chemo began to be used in patients with smaller cancers, too, in the hope that it would extend survival."

However new research says it isn't a good idea. Nice. How helpful. 

"But pre-op chemo can, instead, promote metastasis, scientists concluded from experiments in lab mice and human tissue, published in Science Translational Medicine.

The reason is that standard pre-op chemotherapies for breast cancer — paclitaxel, doxorubicin, and cyclophosphamide — affect the body’s on-ramps to the highways of metastasis, said biologist John Condeelis of Albert Einstein College of Medicine, senior author of the new study.

Called “tumor microenvironments of metastasis,” these on-ramps are sites on blood vessels that special immune cells flock to. If the immune cells hook up with a tumor cell, they usher it into a blood vessel like a Lyft picking up a passenger. Since blood vessels are the highways to distant organs, the result is metastasis, or the spread of cancer to far-flung sites."

Go read the rest of the article here. I am disappointed in this.

Personally, I find this upsetting. It clearly shows a loophole in cancer treatment. What may have been a great idea for many years is being shown potentially as a huge mistake. Yes more research is needed but seriously? Cancer treatment is clearly a crap shoot still.

Disappointment

When I stopped working where they brought cookies, bagels, and pastries in several times a week, when for runs to the bakery next door for snacks, and shared pizza, Chinese, or Thai lunches, I thought I would lose weight. I did lose some weight, maybe 10 lbs. Then I gained some of it back.

Some how over the past ten years, besides getting older and developing a million health ailments, I have managed to put on more pounds than I can believe. I am thirty pounds over what I consider my fattest ever weight. I am not sure how that happened. And now, even though I go to the gym three times a week, I can't seem to lose any more.

I know you are what you eat but that doesn't seem to help me. Today was a big breakfast (we are on vacation) of a banana, two eggs, three pieces of bacon and a piece of toast (homemade bread) with butter. That was more than I normally have and I wasn't hungry for lunch until 2 pm when I had a peach and a plum. That will tide me over for dinner.

Tonight for dinner I am making an awesome looking seafood stew.  The original recipe calls for 4.5 cups whipping cream and 2 cups of half and half. I'll be using 1% milk instead. I can't imagine all that fat. Chowder isn't the most healthy thing to eat but a rainy day in New England on the ocean calls for chowder. But we will also have a salad and home made bread with it. What we don't eat tonight will be eaten for lunch and other meals for the next few days. Portion control is a big part of weight control.

Back to my topic of disappointment. I was very disappointed today when I went to try on clothes and they didn't fit. Very depressing. Even an XL was too small. And its really only the flabbiness around my middle that I can't seem to get rid of. My inner size six is lost behind a wall of flab.

I am disappointed in myself in that I can't seem to lose the weight. I am disappointed in my body which restricts what I am able to do. I physically am unable to do more exercise. I do not just sit around at home. I make sure I do things every day - I go out to the garden. I get together with friends. I try to eat healthy. I don't eat junk food. I don't eat candy or drink soda.

Its not my thyroid so I can't really rev up my metabolism as I don't have a thyroid. My medication level was just tweaked up but that's not a diet solution.

I know as you age it gets harder to lose weight. I realize this. I also know that I made a big lifestyle change by leaving work.  But I also need to make another change that makes me a skinnier person. I wouldn't mind being healthier but that's not going to happen short of a miracle cure.

Disappointment

I just got back from the knee doctor. (I think I almost have a doctor for each body part these days.) What a disappointment that was.

So I met with my knee doctor and another knee doctor he brought in to consult. My first knee doctor, Dr. L, has been great. He has been talking to me about not having my ACL repaired because he was concerned it would never heal right and would always be stiff. So he wanted me to see Dr. B to get another opinion on this.

Dr B gave me his thoughts. First of all, he reiterated what Dr L had told me - no guarantee it would ever heal right. And he also said there is no guarantee my knee would be any less painful after the surgery.

So the best option for me is to wait until my knee is really bad and I get older and then have a knee replacement. I need to be older so I don't live longer than the replacement knee parts (because if you replace it a second time, it never works very well). And if they do the ACL repair now, it would make the knee replacement more difficult and riskier that it would not do as well.

In the interim, I got a cortisone shot in my knee to see if that helps. I can go back and get more cortisone shots if it acts up. (Did I say I hate needles?) And if it starts collapsing on me (when I am walking on a nice flat surface), I should go back and see him. And continue the PT exercises for eternity. Also, wear a knee brace as needed. (Knee braces on the beach cause tan lines.)

So I am disappointed. I was hoping for the magic silver bullet that will cure all my ailments, including my knee. Damn.