Frustrated

I am very frustrated right now. I am incredibly limited by my health normally and now I add in my knee that I am not supposed to be fully weight bearing or bend more than 90 degrees and the fact that I can't drive. Yesterday I really overdid things with my knee.

I am not supposed to bend my knee more than 90 degrees. I have a big (ugly, uncomfortable, awkward) brace to keep my leg straight that I no longer have to wear at home. I have smaller soft braces that are supposed to keep my knee straight but are much more comfortable to wear. It does make it easier on me. But doesn't protect my knee quite as much.

Yesterday morning we had another 'cat brought in the not quite dead chipmunk' which is now living in the baseboards of our dining room between periodic bouts of cat battles. At its first arrival, we waged an all out war on the thing, assisting the mighty 'Boots', backed up by soldier 'Evil Kitty' in his determination to dispose of it.

At one point during the battle when I was holding up table cloths and floor length curtains, for some stupidass reason, I bent my knee all the way. It did not instantly cause pain. But it hurts today. I will need to admit my lapse to the PT people today.

I need take it easy again today. I have to stay off my feet. I informed my family last night. We still have a house guest and she will have to be on her own because I just can't do anything.

So my frustration is:

• Can't drive
• Possible reinjury of knee
• Unable to be a good hostess
• The house looks like crap
• Pain
• Stuck at home

Finally, we also had a huge storm last night (typical New England - a tiny hurricane named Phillippe came up the coast and had a party with a Canadian cold front and another west moving front on top of New England). The are trees and branches down all over and many people without power. I will get to sit inside and look at the debris everywhere. More frustration. Grrr.....

I Did It Again

Yes, I did it again. I over did things. I have to recover by spending a day in bed. I have lots of yarn to knit. I have an ice pack for my knee. I did some of my exercises. And I do plan to get up and take a shower eventually. But I have no plans to do much else today.

We have a house guest again, one of my cousins. Yesterday we did what both of us consider to be fun. We went to an estate sale which had some craft materials and the New England Quilt Museum (worth a stop if you are near). My cousin quilts and I am a craft junkie who is about to add quilting to my repertoire. It was very nice to get out of the house and do something fun. I have been trapped at home too much as I can't drive for another 12 days.

By 3 pm I was exhausted. My left foot really hurt. I am not really weight bearing on my right leg, or weight bearing as tolerated. We had explored the museum - right now embroidered and embellished quilts going back to the early 19th century - and then stopped by their library where they were selling quilting books. I got a few so I can learn how to assemble the quilt that is in my brain (but not yet created).

We got back home around 330 and I had to lie down for close to 1.5 hours before heading out for dinner. I was a tiny bit tired by the time we got home last night. After 11 hours sleep, I definitely need to stay off my feet for the balance of today. Of course its the first nice, warm, sunny day out there. But I will stay in bed until we head out for dinner again tonight.

That's the thing with house guests, we end up going out to eat a lot. Its fattening. And I can't get any exercise.

I am having a lazy day as a result of yesterday. I just took a shower. I ate some breakfast and made a dinner reservation... I think I need to nap.

Number Nine

Surgery number nine was yesterday. I thought the surgeon was going to clean out my knee arthroscopically so it would no longer catch and lock up. That was a good idea.

Everything went as planned - including me being STARVING by the time we got there at 1pm after not eating since the night before - until I woke up after surgery. That's when I found out the bad news.

Well its a good news/bad news situation. The good news is that the surgeon fixed my knee so it will no longer catch - which is amazingly painful when it happens. The bad news is the repair is more complicated than the original plan. Instead of a clean out, he repaired my meniscus. This surgery is not usually done on people over 25 but I think since the tear was where it was repair was better than removal. However, recovery is four to five MONTHS instead of four to five WEEKS. A 'minor' difference.

And I have a giant brace I need to keep on all the time except when showering (and I can't shower until tomorrow). This brace is so big it doesn't tighten up around my leg except near my knee. And, and, and, and, and, and,.....

This isn't the best picture but I took it lying in bed with my leg out straight in front of me. You will notice the TED stocking I am supposed to wear every day as well. Its still drying from when I washed it last night. It might take a few more hours to dry.

I will say this is the first surgery that I woke up to a 'surprise' since Number One in 1981 where it turned out it wasn't a 'goiter' and was 'thyroid cancer'. But that doesn't matter. This just sucks.

However, there is plenty of ice cream in my freezer. My husband is home for the next four days straight to take care of me. I can weight bear because of the stupid ass brace and my cane so I can get around pretty easily on the one floor of our house. The cat even slept on my knee last night (as he likes too) which was okay because of the brace so he didn't squish me.

Can you hear me being grumpy already? I have to double check when I can drive because its my right knee. And the pain level is fine. I already have pain meds and can take them when I want but I only needed one last night and am okay so far today. I think I need to get more ice to put on my knee. Crabbiness may prevail for the next few days.

Pre-Op Day

Today is pre-op day. Tomorrow I am having minor arthroscopic knee surgery. Its no big deal. An in and out procedure that should last an hour or so. Nothing significant. It is to repair my right knee which has been locking up for the last year or so.

What it does mean is that I am going to be limited in my abilities to get around for the next week or so. I do not plan on using crutches because I hate them (and I have lymphedema). I really hate crutches. We live in a raised ranch and I bought a can so I should be able to maneuver around the one floor by myself.

My husband has taken tomorrow and Friday off and then will be home for the three day weekend. This means five days of togetherness. (I think I need to come up with things for him to do so he doesn't 'hover' and drive me crazy.) It is great that he will be home with me because I know I will need some help. Its hard to carry things while using a cane.

I went to the library yesterday and got a stack of books and a movie "Hidden Figures" that I have wanted to see. I have also been filling the DVR with shows to catch up on. I have plenty of knitting to do as well. I did laundry and just have the socks left to sort before I am done.

I am going to the grocery store today and am going to get a chicken to roast for dinner tonight so we can eat leftovers for the next few days. I think I am organized.

This is surgery number 9 for me so I have been through it before. Not including multiple medical misadventures. I know what to expect for the most part. I know what I want to tell the anesthesiologist for which anesthesia did okay for me and which did not. I have figured out what to wear tomorrow - shorts so its easy to get dressed post surgery.

I have found that being organized is the most important thing when you are going to be laid up for a few days. I hate being dependent on anyone for anything. I have everything I need. I can always send my husband out for things we forgot or we can get food delivered (if we get bored with leftover roast chicken).

The one thing I do need to do today is to find out what time I need to be there. They are supposed to call me today with that information as well as the 'do not eat after midnight, no water two hours prior, etc'.

I hope for an early time so I can get it over with. The worst is sitting around waiting for your surgery time and being starving because you can't eat. 

My Health Complicates Everything

I have too many ailments. Combined they interact and cause all kinds of problems. Normal people can have knee problems and then surgery to fix them. Me? Not so much.

I hurt my right knee skiing in 2001 and had arthroscopic surgery to fix as much as possible. My right knee became my bad knee. After surgery, the surgeon said if it ever stops locking up come back and see me again.

In 2015 I fell in our backyard and tore my left ACL. My left knee became my bad knee and my right knee became my good (or not quite as bad) knee. I then started over stressing my right knee which wasn't happy. In the fall of 2016, my right knee started locking up so I went back to my knee surgeon to talk about that.

Yesterday I went back to my knee surgeon who has been following me for both knees for the past year or so. And here's the bad news.

There is something going on with my right knee which causes it to lock up. It freezes and causes lots of pain. I feel my knee click back in place after a couple of minutes and the pain stops. I explained to my doctor that its not the aching pain that causes the problem its the locking and pain that I am concerned about. (Its not fun when it happens.)

Normal people would have the surgeon go in and clean up any tears that are causing the problem. He thinks its a piece of meniscus that sometimes sticks up and jams my knee. But with my medical history of rheumatoid and osteoarthritis, he is concerned that it won't heal well and I will be left with more problems.

I have to go for a second opinion. I can't wait. I just want my knee to stop locking up. It hurts like hell when it does that. My too many ailments make it difficult for me to be treated. (Never mind my medical allergies as well.)

Stepping Back to the Big Picture

Sometimes I just need the big picture and skip the details. Yesterday I saw my knee doctor. I asked him to update his notes on my appointment on the big picture state of my knees. I need this information for my SSDI application and I sometimes just need the big picture for myself.

The status is, and I quote, "At some point they will end up being bone on bone and we will need to talk knee replacement. That could be in ten years or two." In the meantime, I can continue to get steroid injections in them and possibly arthroscopic surgery to clean up the right one.

I hate all this medical crap. Sometimes I get too bogged down in the details and the day to day crap that I forget about the big picture. And sometimes, like this one, the big picture isn't too great. The answer I wanted was 'your knees will be miraculously cured in about two months'.

But I really did need the big picture for my disability application. Which is still grinding through the system, awaiting a meeting with a judge.

I digress. I will also need to talk big picture with my other doctors as well. I could use the overview from them as well.

Hobbling Around

Yes, I do hobble around. Some days more than others. But yes I do hobble. Why do I hobble? Because of my bursitis in both hips, my arthritic feet, my bad knees, my bad back, and more. (Occasionally I have been known to 'hobble' if I was getting dirty looks because I use my handicapped placard.)

However, hobbling along I get to go lots of places, provided I can rest routinely and amply so as not to stress myself out. As I hobble I get to places like the grocery store, the gym, my knitting group, and, of course, doctor appointments (can't have enough of those).

I sometimes even meet friends for coffee or other stationary activities where I do not have to stand around. I plan to visit a museum with friends next month. What makes me happy is they have wheel chairs there and if I start to get tired, a friend can get me one to use while I am there.

But that is my life and I do not have time to stress about being in pain. Furthermore I don't want any pity. Pity causes stress because it makes me feel bad about myself and my state of health.

I Am Aggravated

My body is not cooperating. It keeps on bringing areas to my attention that are not cooperative, i.e., causing pain or other discomfort. I am not happy about this. I am already in PT for one area of the body that has expanded to a second area. I am going back to the knee doctor on Monday to talk about my formerly 'good' knee which is causing way too many issues. My 'bad' knee isn't going to be a good substitute for it.

Also, my fatigue levels are not doing me any favors. I was so tired this afternoon that I didn't put away the groceries - except for the most perishable - and left them for my husband so I could go lie down.

This does not make me happy. The roller coaster of cancer is bad enough, actually it probably the worst. But the fatigue and pain roller coaster isn't much better. I am not coping well. I am whining.

And it snowed twice this week and we are due for more snow Monday and Wednesday of next week. This makes me less happy and more aggravated. Its time for my body to suck it up and get back in lie.

A Long Day At Doctors

After all my traveling, I realized that my body was not being very cooperative. I have increased knee pain (in the new bad knee, as opposed to the old bad knee), I have new back pain higher up than previously (it came and went for a few years but is not more there than not), and my neck and right shoulder have been giving me lots of problems.

So after waiting around for a few weeks, it became time for all my appointments. I had three different medical appointments, in two different facilities 30 minutes apart, yesterday. I started at physical therapy about my neck and shoulder. After speaking to the therapist, he did some stretching on my neck and gave me a  whole bunch of exercises. I will go back and see him twice a week for the next six to eight weeks. And its not that convenient a location.

Next I saw the nurse practitioner of my pain management doctor. She talked to me and pressed all sorts of painful places on my body. She upped my medications and sent me for x-rays. I am supposed to go see her again in three week to see where we are and see if I need an MRI or other imaging. I haven't had a spine MRI since around January 2009 and the question will be if my insurance will pay for it, if I really need it. 

I am kind of fed up with this doctor. He has said to me that even though he has been treating me for nearly 7 years, he does not think there is a need for any new imaging. Any new pains are only caused by my existing conditions. If I don't get anywhere with this NP and doctor this one last time, I will probably find a new one. A friend of mine also saw him for  years and then went to a back surgeon who told her she should have had surgery a long time before. This does nothing to my comfort level with him..

Then I went to X-ray for five pictures of my knee, four pictures of my thoracic spine, and three pictures of my lumbar spine. That was lots of fun. I am not good with the contortions required for some x-rays.

Finally I saw my orthopedic surgeon. My knee was back to its throbbing at night that I had experienced last winter and spring before he injected my knee. I hoped for a new injection which is what I got. But it made my knee really sore and I hobbled out to my car. I went home and took a 2.5 hour nap. I think I was a little tired.

Overall it was a good day, just very long for me. I am not sure I am up for a long day like that again. 

This is just a bit of my life with millions of doctors. At least I didn't see any oncologists. That part makes me happy.

How can I sit?

My newest advice is don't sit with your legs crossed. The reason for this with my bad knees is that the amount of torque that is put on your tibia when you do that is very high. My right knee (the one with the partially torn ACL) popped and I couldn't move or straighten my leg. It took about 15 minutes before it started to feel better.

I asked the physical therapist at the gym. He was the one who told me I shouldn't sit with my legs crossed.

So if I sit down on the floor, how am I supposed to sit? I can't sit with my legs out straight. I can't bend them to one side because my back would complain. Don't even think about kneeling. That is not possible. I can't stop sitting on the floor either. Sometimes you just need to sit down an take care of something.

All I can say is crap!

When Will I Learn?

The answer is not anytime soon. Yesterday I went to a craft show and had a booth. I had a blast. I sold tons of my stuff and had a lot of fun at the same time. I might have even made a new friend.

But obviously I am not the best candidate to leave home at 620 AM to get to the show at 7 AM, set up my booth, sit and stand for hours, and break down my booth, and drive home to get home at 530 PM. I also lifted things, dragged things, set up folding tables and a canopy. I pulled things out of my car and then put them back in. I did all those things my doctors are telling me not to do - lift, carry, twist, push, pull, etc.

Today I am paying the price. I am sore and achy. I am sore in places that haven't hurt in recent years. My right knee, which has a partially torn ACL for the last 15 years, is now complaining. Significantly. I think I need ice and elevation for a while to make it feel better. Then I can tell you about the place in my back which had injections on Thursday. Its very unhappy.

So when will I learn? I need to learn that my body is not built for any of this any more. I need to learn to be a nice sedate quiet person. (I almost typed 'sedate little old lady' but I am definitely not ready for that classification. I want my tombstone to say something along the lines of 'that was one hell of a ride'. And I doubt I will ever be called sedate, unless it was in the context of being sedated, queue the Ramones song now.)

I may need to sedate myself to get through the next 24-48 hours. 

But I really need to learn to stop over doing things now so I stop needing to recover from them. 

Disappointment

I just got back from the knee doctor. (I think I almost have a doctor for each body part these days.) What a disappointment that was.

So I met with my knee doctor and another knee doctor he brought in to consult. My first knee doctor, Dr. L, has been great. He has been talking to me about not having my ACL repaired because he was concerned it would never heal right and would always be stiff. So he wanted me to see Dr. B to get another opinion on this.

Dr B gave me his thoughts. First of all, he reiterated what Dr L had told me - no guarantee it would ever heal right. And he also said there is no guarantee my knee would be any less painful after the surgery.

So the best option for me is to wait until my knee is really bad and I get older and then have a knee replacement. I need to be older so I don't live longer than the replacement knee parts (because if you replace it a second time, it never works very well). And if they do the ACL repair now, it would make the knee replacement more difficult and riskier that it would not do as well.

In the interim, I got a cortisone shot in my knee to see if that helps. I can go back and get more cortisone shots if it acts up. (Did I say I hate needles?) And if it starts collapsing on me (when I am walking on a nice flat surface), I should go back and see him. And continue the PT exercises for eternity. Also, wear a knee brace as needed. (Knee braces on the beach cause tan lines.)

So I am disappointed. I was hoping for the magic silver bullet that will cure all my ailments, including my knee. Damn.

Listen up: No more ailments!

There I am minding my own business, at the gym, working out. I finished my cardio and went back to the locker room to put away my tablet before weights and stretching. And my right knee started hurting. This is not allowed.

My right knee has not given me problems since knee surgery (after a skiing 'incident') in 2001. It is currently known as my 'good knee' therefore it is not allowed to give me any problems or cause any pains or any other issues.

I have too many other body parts with 'issues' so my right knee is not allowed to misbehave. I will be good to it for a few days but then it needs to get its act together and behave.

Okay, 'nuff said.

When your body lets you down

It happens to all of us - you reach for something and your back twinges, you get a bad cold, or whatever, they are part of life. But then sometimes your body really lets you down.

This became very clear to me one day when I was skiing about ten years ago. I was having a wonderful time and then I fell on one run. I thought I was fine but some man stopped and said he friend had gone for the ski patrol. I thought he was crazy but since he insisted on waiting with me, he could help me untangle my skis. Then when I put weight on my knee it bent side ways and I knew he was right. I ended up with a torn meniscus and a partially torn ACL which meant knee surgery and the beginnings of knee problems.

My body has since let me down in other ways. I seem to have collected ailments that won't go away. Tennis elbow, lymphedema, bad back, rheumatoid, fibromyalgia, and that cancer crap. They just keep piling up. Yesterday afternoon I got very frustrated with myself. I try to be a normal person and then my body protests.

Sometimes I feel I should be in a geriatric ward some place with all my aches and pains. But then I try to tell myself that I got through cancer twice so I can cope through all this. But its the continued emotional spiral of coping with aches, pains and scars that is difficult.

I haven't been getting enough rest recently. Nor enough sleep. This makes it harder for me to physically and emotionally deal with life. And since we are at the worst part of the chaos of putting our house on the market (which means I will take our toaster oven with us today so it will not be in the way while they take pictures of the house). I will bring it back tonight so we can have toast in the morning and then take it with us again as they show the house. This is on top of the list of everything else I have to do today to make the house picture perfect.

My biggest problem is with everything I cannot do. I can't carry stuff around (one of my doctors told me that I cannot pick up everything after I told him we were moving). I have to wait for my husband to be home to carry stuff around for me. I get stuck and have to wait for help so often. My body is failing me too soon. And it drags me down and I constantly have to fight back.

Okay, enough whininess this morning. I will go back to being positive.

When I do something I do it right

So back at the end of July, I fell and my knee bent sideways (or my knee bent sideways and I fell). I was told at that time that the x-ray showed no bone issues and it was probably all ligament and tendon. I was later told by my knee doctor (yes I am amassing doctors for each body part) that it was probably not that bad and PT was the first step. The PT guy thought it was probably only my meniscus.

I went back to the knee doctor after PT and he sent me for an MRI to find out more about my knee. I had a follow up yesterday.

Well, it turns out when I do something I do it right. It turns out I tore my ACL and I have an edema on the top of my tibia. Basically that means that I have a crack in the bone that is not impacting the function much (think of the coffee cup you have with a crack in it that still holds your coffee - my knee doctor asked me if he could quote me on that because it was pretty much an exact description).

So now the plan is to wait another four weeks and have more x-rays and then decide what to do. He wants my tibia to continue to heal before anything and for me to step up my PT. He said the pain is caused by the bone and the lack of stability is caused by the ACL. I said I don't care about the pain but do care about the stability issue.

I told him I don't want to even think about surgery until after the first of the year.

Now I can say it, to quote Charlie Brown:
AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

My doctor appointment yesterday

Yesterday I saw my knee surgeon. He operated on my right knee, formerly known as my bad knee, 15 years ago. He and his physicians assistant are very nice and have a good sense of humor, which is the most important skill any medical professional should have. I admired his tie - a Jerry Garcia. His PA cracked jokes and made fun of my use of my bad knee to climb up on the table. She told me I was supposed to lead with the good knee.

They both poked and prodded my knee. Physical therapy has helped but not enough and it has been giving way on me.

I did ask which knee was my good knee now. The doctor said the left knee was catching up to the right one (which has two meniscal tears and a partially torn ACL). He thinks there might be a meniscal tear in the left one now to go with the osteoarthritis in both. And he thinks I am too young to need a knee replacement yet.

Before leaving the doctor said does it hurt when I push here on the back of my knee? As I levitated off the table in pain, he decided it was time for an MRI and to come back and see him after.

The last thing I need in the middle of moving is knee surgery.

So I wasn't that smart

I admit it. I wasn't that smart. My husband gave me a hard time too. I probably deserved that but I did get him to cook dinner.

What did I do? Something bad to my knee again. So at the end of July, I fell and my knee bent sideways. I ended up at the doctor who took x-rays and ended up at the knee doctor who said nothing but sent me for PT and gave me a knee brace. I have been going to PT but stopped wearing my knee brace last week because its just too hot and uncomfortable and my knee has been feeling  better.

Yesterday I was out on our side porch trying to move stuff around and pushed things sideways with my foot. DAMN. That made my knee bend sideways again. And its swollen and hurts again this morning.

So I wasn't that smart. I am going to skip the gym today and maybe wear my knee brace again (if I can find it). Damn. But I'm not going back to the doctor. And it was healing so nicely. Triple damn.

At least I can easily blame myself for this instead of being a politician and blaming the other party.

Back to work....

Today I am back to work after almost three weeks off. I had to dig around to find a pair of pants and haven't yet found my shoes. Summer vacation means shorts, sandals and sneakers, not long pants and work shoes. Our lunches are made (yes I make lunch for both of us every week day) but the nice cat is out so I have to get him back in before leaving. The evil cat is busy plotting our demise....

Yesterday I had a good PT appointment. The therapist thinks that I probably didn't damage any major ligaments and probably only the meniscus, which sometimes does not require surgery. It depends how it heals and how badly it was damaged.

Also my rheumatologist thinks I am doing pretty well - this means no blood work for two whole months and no follow up for three months. Sometimes I have blood work every two weeks and appointments every six weeks so this is much better.

Finally my therapist is an idiot. Okay maybe a little harsh but she doesn't seem to understand my family dynamics so it  was a fruitless discussion. She may become my former therapist shortly. After every appointment with her, I wonder why I am still seeing her. But I try to manage the amount of change in my life and next week I see my new PCP for the first time. So the jury is still out but its not looking that good for her. The real decision is do I still need a therapist.

But now to find the cat and my shoes so I can go to work. Maybe they missed me....

Physical therapy

This morning I finally will start physical therapy for my knee, nearly four weeks after falling. I have opted to have my PT at the gym instead of through the hospital. There are several reasons for this.

First of all, after my initial appointment, I can do my PT on my own instead of having to juggle three more appointments each week. I just don't have the patience for that. When I have PT, I do my exercises every day. Most physical therapists have told me many patients only do their exercises at their sessions.

Second of all, its free. I won't get three sessions each week for free but I will get a session every week or two, and free advice when I want. Yes I have health insurance but I can save the copays, and save my insurance company their share. This makes it a win-win (I hate that term) situation as far as I am concerned.

Last of all, I have had PT for my knees several times so I am aware of what to expect. I know my biggest problem won't be which exercises to do but which ones I am able to do. Between my back issues and hip bursitis, I physically can't do many of the exercises.

So much fun, more than I deserve.

And how am I doing?

I blogged about my difficult decision. I blogged about our new cats. I haven't blogged about me.

Honestly, I am not doing that great. I have been exhausted for a while. On vacation I would sleep a lot and was feeling caught up on sleep. Since coming home, I have been exhausted. After two nights in our bed, I have slept well but am still exhausted. I woke up a while ago and am still in bed and will probably go back to sleep.

My knee is a clear source of stress. It has a tendency to give way, even while wearing a brace, which is not fun. I start PT next week and will see how it goes. I plan to talk to the physical therapist about my knee giving way before I call my doctor back. Its not making me happy.

I am also feeling emotionally drained. It was a big effort to leave our long planned vacation. My first thought on driving home was to call my therapist and get in to see her. But I am not sure of my schedule this week and I have an appointment in a couple weeks anyway. Maybe I just need to go into emotional hiding for a bit and lick my wounds for a few days.

In some ways its a bit of relief that I stood my ground and left. Everything is now out in the open.

I need a nap. Bye.