As all cancer patients are told, after treatment you will find your 'new normal'. Basically you get to go back to being yourself again and regaining your life. But it never seems to happen.
A friend sent me this article from the New York Times on a young woman, after cancer, is looking for her old self, and being lost in transition from cancer land to her new self.
It made me think (a dangerous proposition at times). What if you are a non cancer (or non any major ailment) person, you go through life and you evolve slowly and your life changes, and its no big deal, its normal. Maybe you grow apart from some friends, gain new ones; start yoga and stop running; quit eating red meat and white sugar in order to be healthier; redecorate your house, or kept trying to lose those same damn 10 pounds. These changes happen over time but if you look at yourself from last year to this year, have you made changes? Probably. And unless you stop and think about it, you may not notice them.
With cancer (or insert any life changing diagnosis), you are yanked from your nice calm life and shifted into cancerland, riding the cancer roller coaster while holding hands with your friends, family, and oncology team who want to know about every sniffle. Then poof, you are pronounced 'cured', get a little certificate from your chemo nurses, and your doctors don't want to see you for six months, instead of every week or month.
You are supposed to find your new normal by tomorrow morning and move on with your life, go back to work full time and be healthy, instantly.
Instead, you stumble around and wonder what a new normal is. You might be depressed, anxious, and still clinging to the cancer roller coaster at every ache and pain. Slowly you stabilize, still gasping from the whirlwind you went through for the past year.
You have lost some friends or even family who went running from the word cancer, in case it was contagious, but you gained some new ones. You got some new clothes, your work schedule changed, you bought yourself a present for surviving cancer treatment (I got myself a new watch), and you are still trying to lose the same damn 20 lbs (10 from before cancer and 10 from chemo).
And what if this is the new normal? What if its harder to find because you didn't evolve slowly but were yanked from your life to cancerland and then thrown back to your life? You have to pick away at the layers of changes to see what you like and don't like and try to get a handle on everything. Some of the changes that happened may not be the ones we want to keep but we have to learn to accept them.
We can never go back to the way we were, no matter how much we try. Who was it that wrote 'you can't go home again'? Its true, especially with cancer, we can't go home again, no matter how much we try.
Showing posts with label medical roller coaster. Show all posts
Showing posts with label medical roller coaster. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Its not a tumor....
So life in cancerland is basically summed up by the one thought: "will it come back?"
Every ache and pain could be a something, meaning a bad something. We have to learn is how to balance that thought. Sometimes helpful people say wonderful, well meaning things like this to us which help raise our cancer-cootie-concern-level. Or sometimes a peak inside our insides in an MRI, PET or CT scan gives us bad news. At which point the cancerland roller coaster starts going up the really steep hill and becomes a whirling twisting ride until we hopefully can get back to the smaller hills.
No I am fine but this video popped up on my radar the other day and it makes a valid point.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
That recurrence thing
Its the other elephant in the room that only the cancer person can understand. What do I do if it comes back????? As Barbara Jacoby points out over at Let Life Happen, we need a bit more focus on breast cancer, and other cancer, recurrences.
Ask any cancer patient that made it through treatment, the next concern is 'what if it comes back?' Well as my little voice of experience speaks up, at my second cancer diagnosis I was slightly more prepared than my first. I had a 'taking care of me plan' in place by day 2, even though I was so stressed about surgeries, chemo and all that fun.
Since I had already lived the cancer roller coaster for 26 years, I had some experience to fall back on. It didn't prevent me from completely freaking out but it did allow me to have a little voice inside me saying 'you did this one and got through it, you can do it again'. I also had the me plan in place.I was in a support group before my first surgery. I signed up for another support group - this one was introduction to breast cancer. At the end of treatment, when many cancer patients fall apart, I had a therapist. I blogged, I talked, and I coped with it all, with varying levels of anxiety.
My plan for cancer three is already in place. I don't care what kind of cancer it may be, but I will put me to the forefront once again. What will it take to keep me sane through the process? Probably more or continued therapy. Maybe a second opinion at some big fancy cancer hospital if its some kind of recurrence.
But what I would really like to see is more research into why some cancers recur and some don't and as to why some people are more likely to have their cancer recur than others. Give me some info people! I need to know. Thank you.
Ask any cancer patient that made it through treatment, the next concern is 'what if it comes back?' Well as my little voice of experience speaks up, at my second cancer diagnosis I was slightly more prepared than my first. I had a 'taking care of me plan' in place by day 2, even though I was so stressed about surgeries, chemo and all that fun.
Since I had already lived the cancer roller coaster for 26 years, I had some experience to fall back on. It didn't prevent me from completely freaking out but it did allow me to have a little voice inside me saying 'you did this one and got through it, you can do it again'. I also had the me plan in place.I was in a support group before my first surgery. I signed up for another support group - this one was introduction to breast cancer. At the end of treatment, when many cancer patients fall apart, I had a therapist. I blogged, I talked, and I coped with it all, with varying levels of anxiety.
My plan for cancer three is already in place. I don't care what kind of cancer it may be, but I will put me to the forefront once again. What will it take to keep me sane through the process? Probably more or continued therapy. Maybe a second opinion at some big fancy cancer hospital if its some kind of recurrence.
But what I would really like to see is more research into why some cancers recur and some don't and as to why some people are more likely to have their cancer recur than others. Give me some info people! I need to know. Thank you.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Coping or not
Sometimes life just gets very complicated, full of ups and downs, stress and more stress. I don't cope as well these days as I used to. In a spurt of optimism this summer, I told my therapist I didn't want to see her monthly but every six weeks instead.
Then every thing around me has gone to hell in a hand basket so to speak. I have some new issues with my ailments so the medical roller coaster keeps on going. I have family members who have new health issues. I volunteered for a huge project which ends next week.
Its peak craft fair season and I have a fair every other weekend. And one car had its check engine light start flashing, the other car - does it need snow tires? What about bills - too many to pay between sequester and shut down pay cuts? And, and, and, and..... Eeeekkkk!
I finally go back to see my therapist tomorrow. I think I have a list of issues to discuss with her - maybe a relatively long list even.
But I am coping. I think. I feel like I have a million overscheduled days in a row now in my life. I think I need a vacation - but that's not happening for a while. Crap.
Then every thing around me has gone to hell in a hand basket so to speak. I have some new issues with my ailments so the medical roller coaster keeps on going. I have family members who have new health issues. I volunteered for a huge project which ends next week.
Its peak craft fair season and I have a fair every other weekend. And one car had its check engine light start flashing, the other car - does it need snow tires? What about bills - too many to pay between sequester and shut down pay cuts? And, and, and, and..... Eeeekkkk!
I finally go back to see my therapist tomorrow. I think I have a list of issues to discuss with her - maybe a relatively long list even.
But I am coping. I think. I feel like I have a million overscheduled days in a row now in my life. I think I need a vacation - but that's not happening for a while. Crap.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Cancer is cancer
This is a very interesting video on thyroid cancer and the stigma of having it.
Here's the premise: You are told you have thyroid cancer, you are told its the 'good' cancer and you will be fine. Then it turns nasty, and you feel like you were mislead and go through the whole cancer roller coaster. And you are being treated by an endocrinologist who may not have all the psycho-social support services available in the oncology department. Its the crazy cancer roller coaster.
Let's take it another step.
You are diagnosed with any type of cancer, early stage, and your doctors think you will be okay. You are on the cancer roller coaster but doing fine because treatment wasn't too bad, you did okay and you are doing fine. Then whammo out of the blue, your easy cancer became a not so good cancer and you are not doing well. The crazy cancer roller coaster is hitting you but much worse.
Society is training us that breast cancer, thyroid cancer or whatever are cancers that you get, are treated and move on. But cancer is cancer and that should never be the case. Society is wrong in this case.
Friday, January 18, 2013
The medical roller coaster is not just about cancer
I admit I have been struggling in some ways for the past few months in terms of that lovely medical roller coaster. So often I think of the medical roller coaster as being focused on cancer - because cancer has such a 'fatal' 'terminal' 'deadly' 'life changing' connotation. I think 'life changing' is the best term here. A cancer diagnosis is life changing.
But also other diagnoses are also life changing. Like rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. When you are diagnosed with cancer, you usually look the same on the outside unless in active treatment. You do your thing - work, exercise, socialize - and have a life.
But with rheumatoid and fibromyalgia, you look mostly the same, might be moving a lot slower and hobbling around. But you are on the same damn medical roller coaster for a life long adventure.
The ways to calm down the medical roller coaster include knowledge, self education, exercise, and maybe even blogging.
I am coping with the medical roller coaster and I think I have been handling it worse than usual these days. I need to get my ailments under control both physically and mentally. I'm a work in progress here.
But also other diagnoses are also life changing. Like rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. When you are diagnosed with cancer, you usually look the same on the outside unless in active treatment. You do your thing - work, exercise, socialize - and have a life.
But with rheumatoid and fibromyalgia, you look mostly the same, might be moving a lot slower and hobbling around. But you are on the same damn medical roller coaster for a life long adventure.
The ways to calm down the medical roller coaster include knowledge, self education, exercise, and maybe even blogging.
I am coping with the medical roller coaster and I think I have been handling it worse than usual these days. I need to get my ailments under control both physically and mentally. I'm a work in progress here.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Is it finally over?
May 30, 2007 I was told I had breast cancer. three surgeries, 16 rounds of chemo, 38 radiation treatments, two years of tamoxifen and nearly three years of Femara later I was told this is all about to end in January. That is when I will have my last dose of Femara and be done with breast cancer treatment. I know I have blogged about this previously but it has been weighing on my mind.
In breast cancer treatment there are a few milestones - the first surgery and first chemo treatment. Then on to radiation and you are done with active treatment. You usually get a little pill to take daily and you start seeing your doctors less and less - maybe every 3, 6 or 12 months. But your daily support system has disappeared.
Next you come to the end of your little pills. What next? I am not sure how often I will be followed by my medical and radiation oncologists. I know my surgeon's office will take charge of my mammograms and their follow up with the nurse practitioner each year. I think I will continue to see my medical oncologist for the next year because of my osteoporosis which was partly induced by Femara. I will find out next week how often I will see my radiation oncologist in the future. I have been seeing her every six months.
The hospital where I go to has a system where you rotate through your doctors and are seen by someone at least once every three months to ensure continuous follow up. I am sure this will start going to every six months at some point. But I do find it comforting that they follow me so closely. Because with my medical history, they need to be sure.
If they took all the follow up away, how would I feel? I like the continuous level of care on some level but I also find all these doctor appointments a pain in the neck. They have slowed down considerably. It is no longer uncommon for me to have a month or more between any doctor appointment. It is doubtful that I will max out my out of pocked expenses this year, for the first time in five years. This is another sign that I am 'healthier' even though my medical file continuously grows with non cancerous diagnoses and treatments.
And life goes on and the cancer roller coaster is still there so no its not over. It may never be.
In breast cancer treatment there are a few milestones - the first surgery and first chemo treatment. Then on to radiation and you are done with active treatment. You usually get a little pill to take daily and you start seeing your doctors less and less - maybe every 3, 6 or 12 months. But your daily support system has disappeared.
Next you come to the end of your little pills. What next? I am not sure how often I will be followed by my medical and radiation oncologists. I know my surgeon's office will take charge of my mammograms and their follow up with the nurse practitioner each year. I think I will continue to see my medical oncologist for the next year because of my osteoporosis which was partly induced by Femara. I will find out next week how often I will see my radiation oncologist in the future. I have been seeing her every six months.
The hospital where I go to has a system where you rotate through your doctors and are seen by someone at least once every three months to ensure continuous follow up. I am sure this will start going to every six months at some point. But I do find it comforting that they follow me so closely. Because with my medical history, they need to be sure.
If they took all the follow up away, how would I feel? I like the continuous level of care on some level but I also find all these doctor appointments a pain in the neck. They have slowed down considerably. It is no longer uncommon for me to have a month or more between any doctor appointment. It is doubtful that I will max out my out of pocked expenses this year, for the first time in five years. This is another sign that I am 'healthier' even though my medical file continuously grows with non cancerous diagnoses and treatments.
And life goes on and the cancer roller coaster is still there so no its not over. It may never be.
Monday, February 20, 2012
How's your medical rollercoaster doing?
Mine is fine - that's all I'm going to say about it now. The roller coaster ranges from the relatively flat start before it heads for the first big hill - the height of each hill is determined by the length of time to get to the top - years and years of problem free health. The steepness of the climb is determined by the level anxiety reached through multiple ailments and tests. Then when the top is finally reached the pitch and length are determined by the prognosis of your health. If its cancer, do you end up lower than where you started? If its a minor ailment you might go down hill for a little bit and then stay basically level before climbing up another hill.
On the medical roller coaster you never know when the next hill will start and how steep and tall it will be, never mind the ride down off the top. The goals on the roller coaster are not to have too many big hills and not to turn into a hypochondriac on the way where every little twinge is about to send you flying over the edge to another downward spiral.
Cancer sticks you on the roller coaster for life. You don't get to get off. Nor do you get to stay on the low level with a few small bumps here and there.
On the medical roller coaster you never know when the next hill will start and how steep and tall it will be, never mind the ride down off the top. The goals on the roller coaster are not to have too many big hills and not to turn into a hypochondriac on the way where every little twinge is about to send you flying over the edge to another downward spiral.
Cancer sticks you on the roller coaster for life. You don't get to get off. Nor do you get to stay on the low level with a few small bumps here and there.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Medical roller coaster
Last night I actually attempted to be a social butterfly and went to two parties (without my husband because he is cranky as he now has my cold). At the first party a friend was talking about the medical roller coaster of having a heart attack at 43 and now living with the constant what if fear. She said she has a stent and has changed her life - taking better care of herself, quit smoking, etc but constantly wonders what if her arteries are clogging again. She asked her cardiologist and he tells her that since she tests well on stress tests and feels okay the assumption is that her arteries are doing fine. There is no way to tell if they are opening up more or slowly clogging up again without some invasive tests. She feels like she is living in constant limbo. I talked to her a bit about it how learning how to balance the ups and downs of the medical roller coaster. Its just learning to cope and it has its definite ups and downs. Its not just cancer that puts you on that lovely roller coaster.
At the second party, despite the unexpected arrival of Santa Claus to replenish the miniscule beer supply (really he showed up with a case of beer), the elephant was clearly in the room. The host of the party is living the 'chemo for life' program with a stubborn case of Stage IV colon cancer. While he looked pretty good and was socializing with his ever present bottle of water, he did need to sit down for the bulk of the party and at one point snuck off to find one of the really good drugs his oncologist provides. He is on the same medical roller coaster but one with steeper hills and bigger drops but was talking less about it. I am not sure everyone realizes how serious his situation is. His treatment only has one end. When I left I wished him well on his upcoming scans this week. They will tell the story we hope will bring a merry Christmas.
So the medical roller coaster is alive and well for many of us and takes many forms. How scary a ride is a matter of perspective.
At the second party, despite the unexpected arrival of Santa Claus to replenish the miniscule beer supply (really he showed up with a case of beer), the elephant was clearly in the room. The host of the party is living the 'chemo for life' program with a stubborn case of Stage IV colon cancer. While he looked pretty good and was socializing with his ever present bottle of water, he did need to sit down for the bulk of the party and at one point snuck off to find one of the really good drugs his oncologist provides. He is on the same medical roller coaster but one with steeper hills and bigger drops but was talking less about it. I am not sure everyone realizes how serious his situation is. His treatment only has one end. When I left I wished him well on his upcoming scans this week. They will tell the story we hope will bring a merry Christmas.
So the medical roller coaster is alive and well for many of us and takes many forms. How scary a ride is a matter of perspective.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
That Lovely Place to Wait
I feel like I should run around quoting 'Candide', where the cast runs around wishing for the best of all possible worlds in the middle of the Spanish inquisition where its 'oh what a day for an auto-da-fe'. Basically incredible amounts of optimism in the midst of chaos and bad things.
Yesterday I had a wonderful time at the hospital. I met with my back pain doctor and we discussed my back and how it actually feels better these days due to my new drugs and my actually making it to the gym regularly. He also gave me a greatly appreciated cortisone injection in my left hip which has been full of bursitis recently. My back feels okay - meaning it doesn't give me nearly constant pain, but it is not and will never be cured so don't jump up and down with optimism for me. I don't have to see him for four months instead of the usual three.
Then I went for my mammogram and changed into a lovely gown and sat around and waited but then finally got a clean result on the first try which was very nice. I changed back into my clothes.
Then I went back to check in for my bone density scan and changed into another set of lovely pajamas. The test is quick and boring. I then changed back into my clothes again.
My last scheduled stop was at my primary care for a physical with my new doctor. We talked and decided that the biggest concern is my blood pressure/pulse/heart rate. She measured my pulse at 106 but my BP was 128/86 which isn't bad but still higher than it used to be. We talked about my eating habits, my salt intake, exercise schedule, weight gain/lost, etc. We also talked about the impact of my thyroid level (which won't settle down) on heart rate etc. Weight loss would be good as well - but I already knew that and will try some more.
Finally, this is what I know. I have tachycardia - meaning fast heart rate - which is not a good thing. After changing back into my clothes again, I was sent for an EKG (which meant another lovely gown) and I brought the tapes down to the doctor to read. She said my heart rate was normal but fast. So I guess the good news is it doesn't look like I am about to drop dead. But then I had a chest x-ray (another clothes change - at this point they recognized me in diagnostic radiology where my mammogram and bone density scan took place) as well as a full set of blood tests.
I also am scheduled to have a fasting blood test next week, an echocardiogram, and then back to see her in a month to finish my physical (we never got past the cardiac issues) and discuss the results of all my tests. Next week I will stop by and get the results of all my tests to review (and over-analyze and over-research online) in private as well
So two doctors, five tests, and five clothes changes later, I am in the lovely place to wait called 'you have something wrong with you that could be very bad but we don't know quite what it is yet or how we are going to treat it'. I hate this place. But I do like my new doctor and think we can work together on this.
Yesterday I had a wonderful time at the hospital. I met with my back pain doctor and we discussed my back and how it actually feels better these days due to my new drugs and my actually making it to the gym regularly. He also gave me a greatly appreciated cortisone injection in my left hip which has been full of bursitis recently. My back feels okay - meaning it doesn't give me nearly constant pain, but it is not and will never be cured so don't jump up and down with optimism for me. I don't have to see him for four months instead of the usual three.
Then I went for my mammogram and changed into a lovely gown and sat around and waited but then finally got a clean result on the first try which was very nice. I changed back into my clothes.
Then I went back to check in for my bone density scan and changed into another set of lovely pajamas. The test is quick and boring. I then changed back into my clothes again.
My last scheduled stop was at my primary care for a physical with my new doctor. We talked and decided that the biggest concern is my blood pressure/pulse/heart rate. She measured my pulse at 106 but my BP was 128/86 which isn't bad but still higher than it used to be. We talked about my eating habits, my salt intake, exercise schedule, weight gain/lost, etc. We also talked about the impact of my thyroid level (which won't settle down) on heart rate etc. Weight loss would be good as well - but I already knew that and will try some more.
Finally, this is what I know. I have tachycardia - meaning fast heart rate - which is not a good thing. After changing back into my clothes again, I was sent for an EKG (which meant another lovely gown) and I brought the tapes down to the doctor to read. She said my heart rate was normal but fast. So I guess the good news is it doesn't look like I am about to drop dead. But then I had a chest x-ray (another clothes change - at this point they recognized me in diagnostic radiology where my mammogram and bone density scan took place) as well as a full set of blood tests.
I also am scheduled to have a fasting blood test next week, an echocardiogram, and then back to see her in a month to finish my physical (we never got past the cardiac issues) and discuss the results of all my tests. Next week I will stop by and get the results of all my tests to review (and over-analyze and over-research online) in private as well
So two doctors, five tests, and five clothes changes later, I am in the lovely place to wait called 'you have something wrong with you that could be very bad but we don't know quite what it is yet or how we are going to treat it'. I hate this place. But I do like my new doctor and think we can work together on this.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
It all catches up sometimes
Today is the day I haven't been looking forward to, or maybe I have been looking forward to. I will spend the morning at doctor appointments.
My first stop is my back pain doctor where I can tell him in some ways my back is better these days between my new meds and the additional exercise I have been getting at the new gym I am going to. That should be okay. I have a few areas of concerns with my back but overall I'm doing okay.
My next stop involves a heavy dose of scanxiety as it is my annual mammogram. I was stupid (I have to stop doing this to my self but since I have this lovely blog I can look up my thoughts from anytime in the past four years.) But I digress, I was stupid, I looked up my results from last year's mammogram and some calcifications were found and while the radiologist recommended follow up in six months my surgeon thought they were nothing and said I could wait a year. And that is now year is up.
My third stop is a bone density scan. This will involve another change of clothing into a lovely set of pjs and robe (why don't I just wear my own?) for a two minute bone density scan to see if my osteopenia has returned.
Finally, if I am still on schedule, I meet with my primary care physician where I get to go through all my tiny list of medical issues/problems. Its not that long a list, but its not that short. I consider them issues and I don't think she can necessarily tell me they are normal. Actually I am quite firm in my stance that I want answers and not to be told 'well that sometimes happens to people'. I want to know why things happen to me. I realize somethings occur without any significant cause but I am pretty firm that I need to know more.
I think I am taking this stance because of the idiotic Dr. B I met with who told me he was collecting cases of hypertension with a secondary cause over the years and I clearly was not one. I was just fat, lazy, ate too much prepared food and salt. It is becoming clearer now that he was wrong, I do have something going on - probably related to my thyroid - that he ignored. He did upset me and I now realize I am overreacting to the whole situation.
Anyway, that will be my morning. If I am still sane by the end of it, I will go to the gym to destress. Then I will go out to dinner with a friend and get to complain about it too.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Medical conditions are isolating
I have found that all medical issues can be isolating. I was going to title this post 'Cancer is isolating' but its not just cancer, its any medical condition. We have all experienced the common cold where we decide to lie low for a day or two because we don't feel well - we don't want to spread our germs but we also don't feel like socializing and interacting with others. This is normal.
But what if someone doesn't feel well for several months - going through cancer treatment for example - where you don't want to make the effort (which appears to be huge) to pick up the phone and talk to your friends or go out and socialize because it might expend energy. Its not lying around feeling sorry for yourself, but just not feeling up to doing much. When this lasts for the six months of cancer treatment, the resulting feelings of isolation and ensuing loneliness can be very profound.
At a cancer diagnosis, the patient is stressed and trying to cope. Well meaning friends may offer to help but they are rebuffed by the stressed patient. The friends may try again and keep getting turned away as the patient is not feeling up to interacting. Talking about what their going through is admitting they are sick and their cancer is real. Good intentioned but misguided questions from friends can be painful to hear. Relationships start to fall apart. The patient isn't feeling up to interacting. The friends are feeling rejected because of the continued turn downs and call less often. And so the downward spiral goes on.
How to hang on to and mend the relationships? The friends need to realize the patient is going through a stressful life altering event. The patient needs to realize the friends really do mean well, even if they don't understand. As we grow and change through the experience the relationship may or may not withstand the pressures. And life goes on, the seasons change. People change. A nasty medical diagnosis forces unwanted change down the patient's throat.
Then I read that having a social life is as important in life as not smoking or drinking in terms of preventing health issues. This may be true but sometimes I have needed to put my social life in the backseat as I struggle with medical issues. For the past few weeks, my health has taken me on a roller coaster ride and I have been less than social. I did go out for dinner with a friend last night and it felt good. I will spend the next couple of evenings with my husband, as he is may mainstay. Even when I don't go out of the house, he is my social life, ensuring that I interact with another human being. The cat demands my attention - and food and water. I maybe living in a little cave of my medical crap but I am interacting.
Okay, I admit, I overdid things yesterday. Yes, me. I admit it. I did work from home but broke down and took a short walk - about 15 minutes because it was SO nice out. My hip felt okay while walking but when I got home, I needed to ice it. I went out to dinner with a friend and then we went shopping for a little bit. When I sat down in my car, I was in excruciating pain and I had to sit there for a few minutes before I could drive. I came home and iced my hip and took more pain pills. This means my hip has reached that bad period - where I am not in pain until after I am done what I am doing. This means I am in danger of over doing things regularly. (But I will be in denial and pretend its not happening. I will continue to take my pain meds until my hip stops hurting.)
But what if someone doesn't feel well for several months - going through cancer treatment for example - where you don't want to make the effort (which appears to be huge) to pick up the phone and talk to your friends or go out and socialize because it might expend energy. Its not lying around feeling sorry for yourself, but just not feeling up to doing much. When this lasts for the six months of cancer treatment, the resulting feelings of isolation and ensuing loneliness can be very profound.
At a cancer diagnosis, the patient is stressed and trying to cope. Well meaning friends may offer to help but they are rebuffed by the stressed patient. The friends may try again and keep getting turned away as the patient is not feeling up to interacting. Talking about what their going through is admitting they are sick and their cancer is real. Good intentioned but misguided questions from friends can be painful to hear. Relationships start to fall apart. The patient isn't feeling up to interacting. The friends are feeling rejected because of the continued turn downs and call less often. And so the downward spiral goes on.
How to hang on to and mend the relationships? The friends need to realize the patient is going through a stressful life altering event. The patient needs to realize the friends really do mean well, even if they don't understand. As we grow and change through the experience the relationship may or may not withstand the pressures. And life goes on, the seasons change. People change. A nasty medical diagnosis forces unwanted change down the patient's throat.
Then I read that having a social life is as important in life as not smoking or drinking in terms of preventing health issues. This may be true but sometimes I have needed to put my social life in the backseat as I struggle with medical issues. For the past few weeks, my health has taken me on a roller coaster ride and I have been less than social. I did go out for dinner with a friend last night and it felt good. I will spend the next couple of evenings with my husband, as he is may mainstay. Even when I don't go out of the house, he is my social life, ensuring that I interact with another human being. The cat demands my attention - and food and water. I maybe living in a little cave of my medical crap but I am interacting.
Okay, I admit, I overdid things yesterday. Yes, me. I admit it. I did work from home but broke down and took a short walk - about 15 minutes because it was SO nice out. My hip felt okay while walking but when I got home, I needed to ice it. I went out to dinner with a friend and then we went shopping for a little bit. When I sat down in my car, I was in excruciating pain and I had to sit there for a few minutes before I could drive. I came home and iced my hip and took more pain pills. This means my hip has reached that bad period - where I am not in pain until after I am done what I am doing. This means I am in danger of over doing things regularly. (But I will be in denial and pretend its not happening. I will continue to take my pain meds until my hip stops hurting.)
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Another debate with myself
We all have these little debates with ourselves. I mean I hope we do - and I am not the only one. (Or do other people argue with little green men or the voices in their head?) Could I be returning to some kind of normal? I don't know. I don't feel as stressed. I don't feel as limited by my body. I am not sure.
I have been on this medical roller coaster a long time. You keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. And just when things start to settle down, you get the jolt back on to the top of the roller coaster and around another curve. So is my life settling down or is it just the calm before another storm? I'm not sure.
I have been on this medical roller coaster a long time. You keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. And just when things start to settle down, you get the jolt back on to the top of the roller coaster and around another curve. So is my life settling down or is it just the calm before another storm? I'm not sure.
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