Clearing Your Plate For Better Balance

With a slew of health ailments comes lots of responsibility.  I need to take responsibility for taking my medications, getting to my doctor appointments, getting to the gym to keep a minimal bit of fitness, as well as basic household stuff (laundry, groceries, garden, etc) as much as I am able. I also need to take care of my emotional self.

Therefore I need to clear my plate of crap and balance myself better. There are some things which should just be taken right off my plate. These include:

• Anyone else's problem. Sorry. I don't have time for them. I'll talk to you about them. Commiserate with you about them. But I will not stress or worry for you. Sorry.
• Anything that is beyond my control. Idiots in Washington, or any other politician anywhere in the world. The weather. Climate change. Hurricanes or blizzards. 
• Anyone who is trying to make me feel bad. If you don't like how I look, what I am wearing, what I am knitting or reading, etc. Sorry. That's your problem. Not mine. As a result you will find you see me a lot less because I don't have time for your attitude.

All of the above has just be pushed off the edge waiting for the waiter with the crumb scraper to clean them up and throw them away.

As a result of doing this I may appear unsympathetic to some but I am trying to preserve any remnants of my sanity. 

If you find yourself overstressed, try clearing your plate of anything you can. You can't take on the burdens of your friends and family members. You can be concerned but you need to focus on yourself. Start getting rid of the things similar to what I took off my plate and see if you can achieve better balance.

Managing All That Bad News

Recently the news has been dominated by all sorts of horrible headlines on all these tragedies (and politics). It can be very hard to take for everyone. I admit there have been so many events that every day on the news you hear about another one and you begin to wonder 'that really can't be another one, it must be the same one I already heard about'. Sometimes the media becomes a blur of blood, bias, guns, and gore. 

I recently found an article that discusses how to cope with all this bad news. The gist of it was 'turn off the news' which I find to be sound advice, especially if you want to preserve your sanity. 

"This constant churn of harrowing news is physically and psychologically unhealthy, and you don't need to be directly involved in a tragedy to feel its effects. To the concerned viewer, this pain can feel unavoidable or even necessary. It might be a little bit of both. The truth is, in an age of unfettered access to the worst of humanity, we have to act as our own gatekeepers if we want to stay sane."

It made me think that as a patient, I get a lot of bad news directed at me. And I often get the question 'how do you cope?'. 

Over the past nine years, I have learned to cope in my own way. When diagnosed with breast cancer, I quickly learned that I could not digest all the implications right away. It took time - time for the latest to sink into my brain. 

I started trying to learn all about my cancer and treatment options. I immediately went into information overload and my brain fizzled out. So I basically turned off my brain for anything past the stage of treatment I was in. I couldn't handle any more. While I was coping with surgery, I learned about surgery, post surgery, potential issues including lymphedema. Once I was through surgery, I learned about chemotherapy. I took it in stages so my brain could cope.

A big part of the trauma of cancer is coping emotionally. And that coping extends to outside issues as well. I can't live in the world of  'all bad health all the time' or 'all cancer all the time'. No one should live in the 'all bad news, all the time' mode. We can't keep our sanity and deal with all the doom and gloom. So turn off the news, go outside and smell the roses for a while.

My insides and retraining my brain

Do you ever give much thought to your insides? I mean your gut basically. My insides have been feeling out of whack for the past few weeks. I have been blaming my new rheumatoid medication which can have the lovely side effect of nausea.

Last night, we went to a comedy show in Boston, something we never do. I did research and found an affordable parking garage near the venue so we could just zip in and zip out. It was easy and convenient and one of the most vertical parking garages I have ever seen. It had 11 levels. Each level was probably 15 spaces long and 8 spaces wide with skinny little driving lanes - typical Boston.

When we left the concert, I was trying to get my phone turned on so I could figure out our way out of the maze of downtown Boston full of one way streets. My husband drove down the 6 tight floors of four turns each down to ground level. I felt nauseous after two minutes of that. My insides felt all shaken up.

We drove home and went to bed. My insides do not feel that great today either. Obviously it must be the car ride.

But with many ailments under my belt, so to speak, I am quick to blame medication so my brain doesn't have a chance to jump to any other medical roller coasters. I can live with that.

After cancer, our brains start to take every chance they can to head for the highway to hell. We need to outsmart them and divert them to some thing much less scary. I keep focusing on retraining my brain so I keep my sanity.

Basic screening tests take on a new meaning after cancer

Most people, by this I mean people who have never had cancer, go to the doctor for check ups and get sent for tests and don't think twice. They get nice negative results sent to them in the mail and they don't think twice about it.

Throw in a few cancer diagnoses, and any screening test takes an ominous turn. Of course any screening test will show that you are doomed. There is  no way you will ever get a clean result again. One test will lead to another which will lead to another which will lead to another and then surgery, chemo, and more and more and more.

Or so the little voices in your head tell you.

It is perfectly acceptable to have little voices in your head after cancer.

Its when they take over all rational thought that you really are screwed. This is why we have psychiatrists, psychologists, and anti-depressants to keep us sane.

However our screening tests still can drive us crazy.

Call me a spaceshot

I know its been a few days since I posted but I am a spaceshot. We went on vacation (and I didn't say that before hand so the burglars out there wouldn't know). I did bring my laptop. The first two nights we stayed in a hotel with wi-fi. Then we went to my mother in law's house where there is no wi-fi (I even checked to see if I could poach off the neighbors) for a few days. We then went up to Lake Tahoe for a few days where we stayed in a very nice hotel with free wi-fi but I was brilliant enough to leave my laptop (and phone charger and ipod charger) at my mother in law's. How smart was that? I was off line and had to ration my use of my cell phone so my batteries wouldn't die.

But that wasn't the only thing I did. I managed to leave my camera battery and charger in our hotel in Tahoe. It was a good thing I figured this out before we got too far away so we could go back for it. I also almost left my sweater in a restaurant... We are now sitting in the airport and my husband isn't sure if he packed his cell phone or left it at his mother's house (so maybe we are both space shots). (PS He just told me I am captain of the space shots).

Another example of my lack of brain cells is that we went hiking along the shore of Lake Tahoe. Because my back needs breaks we actually both brought a book to read while enjoying the view. Then his platypus water container leaked all over his pack and drowned my book (which I just realized I left at his mother's house). His book only got slightly damp. The next day we went hiking again, and the water leaked again... we are buying a new platypus water container before we go hiking again.

Anyway, it was a great vacation and it was good to get away from the grind of work and doctor appointments. I only wish my back would cooperate. Yesterday it was very painful and I could not get comfortable in the car.

Today we are flying home (so burglars beware) and are sure the cat will be completely annoyed with us even though we arranged for babysitting for him. I think I have a doctor appointment this week but will be sure to figure that out when I reconnect with my calendar.

Being a horse or a zebra

The other day I had a discussion with my therapist about whether I am turning into a hypochondriac and over reacting every time there is something wrong. Do I let the little things (headache, cough, etc) become big things? Should I ignore them or when should I call the doctor? Can I ignore them or should I call the doctor?

The medical profession is also partly to blame as once you have a cancer or other bad diagnosis, they are quick to put you on the fast track for more tests for what otherwise would be minor issue. Once you get a little tag in your file that says 'cancer' or something else nasty, they send you down the little path of tests. Which, yes, you can refuse, but then invitation counts more than the action. (Just like with party invitations you become part of the in-group.)

My therapist made the analogy that in medical school, doctors are trained to look for the zebras in the herds of horses. To most doctors, I am clearly a zebra.

People talk about going back to a new normal after a cancer diagnosis but I was never an adult without a cancer diagnosis. I was 19 the first time so I have spent all my adult life being fast tracked by doctors looking at a zebra. My therapist actually has also had breast cancer but she was an adult when she had it. I think she is somewhere in her 50s and I think she had breast cancer in the past ten years. (I don't know exactly because we talk about me, not her as I am the patient.) She has been an adult before and after cancer so she has a sense of what I am missing.

The question becomes, as my therapist summed it up, as a zebra how many stripes do I want to have? I would prefer to have none and blend in with the horses but am not sure that its possible.