I Can Be Such An Idiot

Let me tell you how much:

• Saturday I was at a craft show. At the end when I was packing up, I could not find my keys. Anywhere. I dumped out my purse twice, looked through everything I packed, checked all my pockets, several times. I was going nuts. I couldn't find them. I asked the few people that were left to see if any keys were turned in. Nothing. Finally, I was calling AAA and dumped out my purse again, and there they were. Talk about 45 minutes of stress!
• Yesterday while leaving a doctor appointment I pulled out of a parking space and clipped the car next to me. In front of the owners. My car only got a corner broken off one of the hub caps. Their car has a scratch on the bumper. They are going to see what the damage is going to cost and get in touch with me. I was mortified. How can I clip a car when I am pulling out forward of the space I backed into. MORON ME!
• Today I went shopping and after I was done and paid for my stuff, I couldn't find my keys. Again. I dumped out my purse again. I checked all my pockets. They weren't there. I asked at the desk to see if they turned in by anyone. The manager was helping me look for them. No where. He said I should leave my information at the front desk and they would contact me if anyone found them. Then I realized that maybe I left them at the register when I paid and I went back to check. They weren't there. But someone had found them outside and turned them in.

So how much of a moron am I? I blame chemo brain, fibro fog, and anything else I can think of in my tiny brain. 

I honestly believe that my ailments and all my medications cause memory and brain problems. Never mind aging, even though I am still 36. So if you want to be brainless, get ailments... They make life so much fun.

Fibromyalgia

How is life with fibromyalgia? Well, not so fun.

Let's see, there is random pain in my body. There is fatigue (and insomnia). There is cognitive impairment. And depression.

Sometimes its hard to decide how I feel from a specific ailment. I mean which pain is bad back, rheumatoid, fibromyalgia or osteoarthritis. I can't always tell. My doctors say it can be very difficult to tell and not to worry about it. But I can tell you when I lie awake at night that I will be exhausted in the morning, like today.

And there is another factor that causes so much fun in my life. Cognitive impairment. Yes, that is like chemo brain that doesn't go away.

Depression? Yes, well lack of sleep, no brain cells and random pain would depress anyone. This is why I keep being asked if I have any suicidal thoughts. I can tell you I do not. Because it would be yucky! I would like to stick around for as long as possible.

I hadn't really contemplated the impact of all the joys which come with a fibromyalgia diagnosis. It came on top of my RA diagnosis, or mixed in with it. But I read this article this morning about a woman's lawsuit against her former employer because she was dropped from their disability plan after she left her job because of health reasons due to fibromyalgia.

I get the same issues she does. But I could never job three miles every day.

Fibromyalgia issues

There has been a lot on line recently about fibromyalgia awareness. I don't need any more awareness thank you but felt I should share a bit.

My personal favorites are weight gain, muscular pain, fatigue and insomnia (thats a nice pair), and anxiety & depression, body aches, tender body points, and last of all, cognitive impairment a/k/a Fibro Fog.

Here are a few more notes from this article:

1. Fibromyalgia is primarily characterized by widespread muscle pain and tenderness.
2. Fibromyalgia can occur as a primary or secondary condition.
3. Fibromyalgia is often misunderstood and symptoms are often unrecognized, causing the syndrome to remain undiagnosed for months or years.
4. Ninety percent of fibromyalgia patients suffer with severe fatigue or a sleep disorder.
5. Fibromyalgia is associated with additional symptoms which seem distinct themselves but are actually included in fibromyalgia syndrome.
6. There are psychological as well as physical aspects associated with fibromyalgia.
7. Since there is so much variability in fibromyalgia, the syndrome does not manifest itself identically in all patients.
8. Diagnosis of fibromyalgia focuses on tender points but there is no definitive diagnostic test for fibromyalgia such as a blood test or X-ray.
9. Medication and non-medication treatments are used to manage fibromyalgia.
10. Fibromyalgia affects more women than men. The prevalence of fibromyalgia is between 2 and 4 percent of the population.

 But wait there is more!

You can read about the causes of fibromyalgia s well. And how it is a chronic condition and no it has absolutely nothing to do with any kind of arthritis.

Chemo brain starts with diagnosis

There has been a fair amount of research on chemobrain in recent years - yes its real. but new research shows that it starts at cancer diagnosis with the resulting PTSD. So basically you don't have to have chemo to have chemo brain. You just have to have the diagnosis.

So chemo brain or cognitive function disorder comes from stress. I definitely understand this. The new research did explore other possibilities in that cancer could impact certain thingies in the brain. But I'm sticking with stress.

You know if you are in a stressful time period or situation, your brain starts to run a mile a minute and you can't remember anything. I think we all remember where we were when we heard those words 'you have cancer', but then do we remember much else from the next few moments? And then we all start to panic on some level 'am I going to die?'. Then our brains dissolve further.

The ensuing days, weeks and months are full of stress as we try to control our panic and figure out how to handle our treatment as we make decisions - surgery, chemo, and more. Our brains keep melting. Then the chemo drugs start to have an impact on more brain cells. By the end of it all, we feel we can't remember anything.

I think for me my brain further went to mush with the onset of fibro fog, but I can't remember.

More fibro fun

Fibromyalgia is my favorite 'fun' ailment. What makes it so fun? Its the combination of pain, insomnia, and fatigue. If you are tired, sleep is always the cure. But insomnia to go with it? And the pain. Its so much 'fun'!Take a look at how much fun it really is.



And if you can figure out a way to sleep with insomnia, please let me know. Or to get my brain to function again with its fibro fog?

Call me a moron

Let's start at the beginning. I forgot to blog yesterday. Completely forgot. It slipped my mind completely. But I do have an excuse, we had a small college reunion here yesterday afternoon and I was busy getting ready.

I also am a moron because I lost one of my favorite earrings yesterday at the party. I am still scouring the house  as we speak and hope it will turn up but not very optimistic because it is a small stud earring, but relatively valuable and sentimental as well because my husband gave me the pair.

Next on the list on Friday morning I thought I had a refill on my Tramadol (breakthrough pain medication) but when I went to refill it, the pharmacy told me that because the law changed (and I was supposed to know that how?), it can no longer be automatically refilled because it is one of those kind of medications (meaning it has 'street value' - all good drugs have street value. So I called my pain management doctor and begged to have a refill called in on Friday so I didn't run out over the weekend - this would have made me very cranky for said party.

Usually on Saturday afternoons, my big project is to refill our pill bottles and make sure we are both set for the week. I didn't do that yesterday because of the party. This morning I got up and my first task was to fill our pill boxes. This is when I realized that I don't have enough Lyrica to make it through the week. In fact I have enough for 2.5 days. This is a problem. Lyrica withdrawal is nasty. I did it once before and it was two weeks of hell.

I get Lyrica through mail order because of the cost. It is expensive. Normally it takes at least a week to get a mail order refill. Crap. And its Sunday. So here is my plan:

Step 1 - switch from 2 tablets daily to one a day. That will get me to Friday.
Step 2 - called my pain management doctor again and made another begging phone call to ask for two months supply to mail order AND a five or ten day supply to my local pharmacy for an expensive bandaid to carry me over.

But I won't have an answer until tomorrow to see if I can keep my fibromyalgia under control and avoid Lyrica withdrawal...

I NEVER mess up my meds. I always have a week's cushion built in so I don't run into these problems. 

Yes you can call me a moron for all of this. But I can also blame chemo brain, fibro fog and what ever else I have.

And if you happen to find the earring I lost yesterday, please feel free to let me know.

Fibromyalgia foibles

I have been taking my time to deal with fibromyalgia as it is somewhat complicated. Its not easily understood by most people - as it can have many differing symptoms - all of which have one thing in common: PAIN.

My husband knows that he doesn't understand fibromyalgia either and he wants to. He signed us up for a community education course at a local school on fibromyalgia. Originally only he was going but then it turned out both of us were going. I mean I should probably learn as much as possible about one of my many ailments. I know how to spell and pronounce it but there is obviously a lot more.

We went to the class. As expected it was basically a local practitioner shilling for clients. What was interesting is that she is a certified acupuncturist, Chinese herbalist and a practitioner in Western  medicine so she combined both schools of treatment. She also could explain the fibro pain points to my husband so he understood more.

Some of her information was  a little dated but she did offer some options and thoughts about differing triggers for fibromyalgia - such as major stress. I said how about a cancer diagnosis? She thought that was a possibility.... See, cancer is the gift that keeps on giving.

Coincidentally, I received an email from the National Pain Foundation for a survey on "Do fibromyalgia medications work?" Of course it included Lyrica and I completed it and signed up for their newsletter. I mean I should be in their fan club considering on how much time I spend in pain even though I am on so many medications.

The NPF is different than the American Pain Foundation which is different from the American Chronic Pain Foundation which even has a local support group. But then there is even the National Fibromyalgia Association.

But I still need to educate myself. My husband did learn a lot at class. But still I have to deal with my fibro... and the fibro fog that comes with the pain.

I still think there is something else...

I know I have chemo brain. I had chemo and my brain has gaps and I cant remember things. I know I have fibro fog. I have fibromyalgia and now I can't remember names or words for things.

But now I know I also have 'cognitive decline from breast cancer hormone treatment' due to my Femara treatment.

""Decline in cognitive function is common in patients receiving adjuvant therapy for early-stage breast cancer," concluded Dr. Rugo, director of the Breast Oncology Clinical Trials Program at the University of California, San Francisco. "Ongoing hormone therapy appears to be a risk factor for worse cognitive function."

I'm doomed. I can't remember anything these days.

But I still think there is something else that I can't remember....

My story is that I have chemo brain, fibro fog and something else I don't remember....

Now I might be able to also claim Tamoxifen fog. I was on tamoxifen for two years so now I have something else. But I think there is still something else. I just can't remember.

Time flies when you are having fun

Or when you are a space shot. It is now 330pm in the afternoon and it just occurred to me that I did not blog today. I mean I thought I did. If you had asked me what I blogged about I probably couldn't have told you - but that's not unusual as I am a space shot at times.

Also, it is 330 in the afternoon and I haven't gotten much done. I mean I didn't sleep late but I didn't do much else. I did go to Kohls for a few things bright and early. I got some gardening done. Chatted with a neighbor. Got some cooking/food prep done.

But I haven't folded laundry. I haven't made the bed. And I need a nap.

The big news of the day is I have one little passion passionfruit and three baby limes growing, and a bunch of buds of my lemon tree. I will have fruit this fall. I am very excited.

So I will go make the bed and then fold the laundry. Then I can lie down on the nice neat bed for an hour or so and pretend I am having a nap.

Or you can just call me a spaceshot.