Dear Medical Researchers

Dear Medical Researchers:

This is what I want from you, besides a cure for cancer.

1. A medication with these side effects: weight loss, the ability to get 8 hours of consecutive sleep, and anti-depressant.
2. A cure for the common cold. This should be easy after a cure for cancer.
3. Medical tests that do not come with a 'pinch', a burning sensation, or being stuck with needles or any other 'ouchie'.
4. A dictionary that instantly translates 'doctor-speak', either the mumbo jumbo of big words or the vagueness of a non-answer, into normal human English.
5. Thrift - I want inexpensive treatments that will not line the pockets of pharmaceutical companies or others so that the term 'medical bankruptcy' will become obsolete.

That's not a very long list so it shouldn't be that difficult. 

Thank you.

A patient.