The Honest Truth

I have to admit this, especially since I am such a healthy patient. Its a constant issue for me.

I hate needles. I can't watch TV about the flu or another disease when they show people get injections.

Going for blood work is a bad day for me. And the last time I went I left behind yet another water bottle. Every Wednesday my husband gives me my methotrexate injection for my rheumatoid. I hate that part. I would never be able to give myself a shot.

Then today I had to take the cats to the vet and both of them got shots, and I was in the same room. They had my deepest sympathy on their discomfort from the shots - mental and physical anguish.

But now we can all take a deep breath and get on with our day. Until my next shot next week. Yuck.

Listen up: No more ailments!

There I am minding my own business, at the gym, working out. I finished my cardio and went back to the locker room to put away my tablet before weights and stretching. And my right knee started hurting. This is not allowed.

My right knee has not given me problems since knee surgery (after a skiing 'incident') in 2001. It is currently known as my 'good knee' therefore it is not allowed to give me any problems or cause any pains or any other issues.

I have too many other body parts with 'issues' so my right knee is not allowed to misbehave. I will be good to it for a few days but then it needs to get its act together and behave.

Okay, 'nuff said.

So How's Your Self Esteem?

A cancer diagnosis takes a lot out of you emotionally, as well as physically. You feel like you look like crap during treatment. First comes that stressed/shocked look of someone just hit with the word 'cancer' that has crept slammed into their life. Then comes the chemo pallor which wipes out all color in your skin. This is heightened by the nausea and and the face of someone trying to keep food in your stomach. You may not be eating much but you get fat from the steroids. Finally, your hair, followed by eye lashes and eye brows all disappear.

You do not want to look at yourself in the mirror so you can see the fat, pale, nauseous, bald version of you. Is this your new normal? You really hope not. But your self esteem has taken a nose dive in terms of how you look.

You work hard to get some color back, get some energy back, and lose some weight. The weight loss is harder than before because you are older now and your body is not quite what it was before chemo. And you cross your fingers your hair will return and look something like it did before.

Finally, you begin to somewhat resemble your former self. But how is your self esteem? Can you erase your cancer image from your mind? I think this is the hardest part of the 'new normal' for many patients. The memories of your younger healthier self from your pre-cancer days lurks in your mind reminding you of what you used to be like. Before cancer.

I know several people who drastically changed their looks after cancer. They stopped coloring their hair or they never went back to a long hair style. I know I used to have long hair before cancer and had been considering cutting it off. I never went back to long hair. I also spend a lot more care on my nails than I used to.

There are no pictures of me during treatment because I wouldn't look at myself in the mirror much less allow my image to be captured. My self esteem took a huge hit during treatment. I'm not sure if it will ever come back. But I am working on it. I never had that much self assurance before cancer #2. However I have decided I need to work on that. Losing some weight will help as will therapy. Being perpetually unhealthy on a medical roller coaster doesn't help either.

Organized Vs. Scatterbrained

I do not consider myself scatterbrained. (My husband would disagree and has several other adjectives to describe my lack of organization at times.) I do blame fibro fog, chemo brain and whatever else I can remember to call it.

I used to be fairly organized... Well sort of organized. Organized but dependent on my lists to keep me organized. Now I cant remember anything long enough to write things down so I can take care of them. I'm retired so who needs lists? Or so I thought.

So I have resorted to lists again. I will go back to my work habits and keep a running list of everything I need to do so things will get done. I have at least ten items on my little list that I already started. Everything from making appointments for the cats at the vet to calling Verizon (I hate dealing with big companies' phone trees so I have been procrastinating on this one).

Our house looks like a tornado went through it as well because my fibro fog/chemo brain allows me to overlook the chaos that surrounds me. I have never been a neat freak but my organization has sometimes been lacking. Or I just got tired and needed to take a nap and slept through my cleaning time.

But now I will get my list going before I need a nap.

That Little Voice In The Back Of Your Brain

Okay I admit it. But that little voice in the back of my brain still manages to spring to the head of the line and keep me awake at night. No there is nothing new wrong with me. I'm fine. But that stupid little voice reacts to every little tweak or twinge in my body and tries to get my attention.

I wish I knew a way to kick that little voice to the curb.... Any ideas?

I'm Not Unhealthy Enough

As I expected the Social Security Administration does not think I am unhealthy enough to receive disability benefits. I did not expect to be approved the first time I applied. According to them since I can walk and lift up to ten pounds I should get a job. They understand that I have degenerative disk disease, depression, rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia but they are all being treated to a level where I should be able to work.

What they missed is that all of these ailments are treatable but they missed the one that isn't treatable: fatigue. Other than a good night's sleep, which helps me for a good part of the following day, there is not much else you can do for fatigue. I do exercise, which leaves me with good mobility and range of motion, so my body is physically tired to help me sleep. But I rarely sleep all night. And the good mobility and range of motion allows me to move around better than most people with my ailments.

Last night, we had house guests arriving late, I feel asleep on the couch at about 9 until they arrived around 1030. Then after everyone settled down I went to bed and it took me at least an hour to get to sleep. I kept waking up and finally got up around 630. I know I will be tired later but I'm okay for now... until I need to lie down for a few hours this afternoon. Tomorrow I would like to sleep until 9 am but I doubt that will be possible.

Anyway, now I need to file an appeal with Social Security to see if I can eventually receive benefits. As I said, I did not expect to be approved now. I expected it to take up to two years and its only been less than three months. (Proof that the wheels of the government can move at a relatively normal pace.) Now to find a lawyer. I think I have the name of one and will start there.

A day with cats

I didn't blog yesterday. Well I did write about low self esteem after ailments but I didn't publish it. I just needed to vent. I was also really tired and busy. I had a dentist appointment in the morning and then I thought I had a 1230pm meeting but that was cancelled and my knitting group was postponed until 3pm. I arrived at 1245 for a 3pm meeting because of my inability to read an email. This meant I had a long day and was very tired.

Also, it was a day of cat vs rodent adventures. In rushing to my meeting, I went down to the car through the garage and found the cat, Boots, frantically looking behind folded cardboard boxes along the side wall. I moved the cardboard and the cat dashed and pounced on a chipmunk cowering behind it. There was an ensuing race around the garage and then out the door.

I went back upstairs and then downstairs again. Boots was outside and then proudly walked toward the garage carrying the chipmunk in his mouth, a gift for me, which he then deposited IN the garage. The chipmunk was alive and ran off again with Boots chasing. I left with the garage door closed firmly in hopes that there would be no repeats of live animals carried into the house.

After I finally returned at 5pm, exhausted from being out for so long, both cats were no where to be found. However they reappeared and were chasing yet another mouse who was hiding in the day lilies. We went to make dinner on the grill on the deck, I found a mouse nest IN THE GRILL. I needed back up.

I went and grabbed Boots, who hates to be carried, and brought him over to the grill so he could evict them for me. He ran off because he wanted to go catch his other mouse. Then I grabbed Zdpot and he climbed in the grill and tried to remove the mice. My husband intervened and the mice were evicted. The cats went back to their mouse hunting at the other end of the house.

When it was time to call them in for dinner, they were chasing yet another critter in the front yard. I intercepted them by opening a can of cat food in their ear shot and they came running in. 

Why am I blogging about our cats? It has been almost one year since we adopted our two cats. They have impacted our lives and made it warm and fuzzy. As my health has lessened, they have made things nicer for me by entertaining me, cuddling with me, chasing my yarn, and just being companions. Here are before and after shots of the two of them.

Boots before adoption	Zdpot before adoption
Boots now	Zdpot now

Boots came to us a very shy boy who was desperate for attention. He wanted to cuddle but was too concerned about being scared and abandoned. Now he sleeps next to me in bed. Zdpot, or Evil Kitty because he picks fights and steals Boots' food, was malnourished with white skin showing through thin short fur. He also had ear mites and internal parasites. He also did not know how to be a cat - he didn't meow, didn't know about toys, didn't know there was an outdoors, and had no idea how to be nice to anyone - human or feline.

Its been a nice year with our new cats. They like to take care of us and we like to take care of them.