Approaching the cliff

I have my own personal cliff that I am facing. And it has nothing to do with finances. Money isn't everything as the old saw might say. My cliff involves my health, as always. I don't think of my health as a series of cliffs in anyway. It is a series of disasters, appointments, and procedures, where I might feel a pinch.

But on Monday I face the breast cancer treatment cliff. I will stop taking Femara. That means my breast cancer treatment will end and I will go on my merry little way.... WAIT, BACK UP.... Cancer treatment can't end. I need to have my hand held for the rest of my life with this cancer shit.

Deep breath. Well if I am not in treatment any more they can still hold my hand. Can't they? I have been in cancer treatment continuously since May 2007. I have had surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, Tamoxifen, and then Femara. Through this whole process there has always been another step to look forward to. But not any more. I'm done! Yippee, oh shit.

On Monday my oncologist and I will discuss this again. She already brought it up when I saw her last fall. I thought I would be ready, I enjoyed the advance notice. I thought I was running out of pills a few weeks ago and even got a refill of Femara so I had enough to get me to my next appointment. I haven't even opened that bottle yet.

I know we will talk about how Femara has done a number on my bones and I may need some additional treatment to get my bone density back up to where it is supposed to be.

I know I will also continue to meet with the surgeon annually for follow up mamograms, the radiation oncologist for annual follow ups, and my primary care. And my pain doctor, rheumatologist, and all those other doctors so I guess I will get some care that will include some hand holding I hope.

But now I am facing the Emerald City at the end of the Yellow Brick Road through Cancerland. (Can you tell we wanted The Wizard of Oz recently? So what's in the Emerald city - healthy bones, healthy me, etc? Or is there just a little man behind the curtain running the world in front of the cliff?