Friday, August 14, 2015

A difficult decision

We left last Saturday on a two week family vacation. We returned this morning. Why? Because I am done putting up with my sister's crap. She has made much of my life miserable. How? Let me count the ways.

In junior high or high school, back when I was experimenting with make up, one day I got to the bus stop with her and evidently had a bit of eye shadow on my nose. Did she say something to me? No, instead she got everyone else at the bus stop to make fun of me and then after school complained to my mother that I embarrassed her in public. Yes this was a long time ago but this is an example of the kind of thing I grew up with.

I asked her once to give me to give a ride to an appointment that I could not miss. I also had surgical drains in and couldn't drive. Could she get me there on time? No. And when I called her constantly to find out when she would be there to pick me up, thinking I might need to drive myself when I shouldn't, she didn't pick up my call because she was yakking with a friend and just kept ignoring my calls. I have never asked her to drive me to a single medical appointment since. I will take a cab or a bus before asking her again.

When she was my maid of honor (because she is my sister I asked her), she called me about three weeks before the wedding asking wasn't she supposed to help me with invitations or anything. I hadn't asked her to do that because I couldn't depend on her to help.

She is chronically late for everything. Nothing like showing up for Thanksgiving dinner two hours late with no good reason. And not answering the phone when I call her to ask when she will be there. Or telling me she is on the way, when she hasn't left. She does all those things to me regularly, when I bother to have contact with her now. She doesn't reply to emails, texts, and voice mails and then whines when she didn't know about something. I think she does this to a lot of people sometimes but to me all the time.

Last weekend the first night of our vacation, the five of us went out to dinner - me, my husband, my sister, and my parents. My husband and I went first got a table because they didn't take reservations and we didn't want my parents to have to stand around waiting for a table. I called my sister to see where she and my parents were. The first time I called she ignored my questions and wouldn't give me an answer. The second time she just read the names of the signs that they were going by (why that was supposed to be helpful I have no idea). The third call she again ignored my questions and wouldn't tell me where they were. I hung up.

Yesterday became the last straw because I just cant take it any more. We were on a family vacation and each of the three of us, my brother included, were paying for food and taking turns cooking each night. She had to go back to work for a couple of days and came back Wednesday night. Last night I asked her if she was going to cook dinner one night and she said something along the lines of 'she wasn't sure'. Then she pouted in her room while the rest of us were eating dinner because I got mad at her for picking on my mother all the time. My brother asked her to apologize to me for the way she acted, last night and other times. She rolled her eyes and seemed appalled that she needed to apologize at all. I was done.

I would have left last night but since I had wine with dinner I was not going to drive a car. We got up and left by 5am to avoid the worst of Boston traffic. My father talked to me and asked me not to leave because its family. I hate to disappoint anyone but she doesn't treat me like family. This morning my brother got up to say good bye. My sister also got up and asked me not to leave, after the cars were packed, and I told her she should have treated me better for the last twenty years - actually I should have said for my whole life. I don't think she really thought I would leave.

It was a difficult decision but I really do not have time in my life to put up with anyone's crap. And I don't have to worry about her reading my blog because I don't think she even knows I have a blog. The only family member who actually reads my blog is my mother and I think she hasn't been reading it as frequently.

I reread this and wonder am I wrong? Am I making a big deal out of  nothing? Is it wrong to expect cordial relations with family members? Is it wrong to expect messages not to be ignored? Is it wrong to expect some sort of punctuality at get-togethers? Is it wrong to expect respect for others?


Anonymous said...

Good for you for finally sticking up for yourself!!! Seems like it was long overdue.

Kathryn said...

I'm so sorry, Caroline, that really stinks. I think only you can say if it's the right decision or not, it's never black and white but you do need to do what you need to do. Hoping your decision makes thing a little less stressful and brings a little more peace.

Green Monkey said...

I have a sister that I do not get along with so I understand your situation but I also think that ideally, if you could call her on her actions - when she is disrespectful or dismissive - and then release the energy, then she loses the power over you. Stay centered, focus on keeping your heart open, relax, breath through it, and consciously make the decision to be/stay happy. This is hard to do but I'm practicing it now for all sorts of situations and I like me better this way.

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