Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Is this good or bad?

Sometimes I find it very supportive to go to support groups and talk to my friends who are also dealing with breast cancer. And then sometimes I find it more difficult. We don't always talk about cancer but sometimes we do. Sometimes its positive but also sometimes its negative. Well, negative in the sense that when I am with someone who is very sick and facing a shortened life span which is filled with medical treatments, it can be hard to walk away with a smile on my face. Then I start to think is that what is in store for me?

I remember when I was young I learned what chemotherapy was. I was told 'it makes people really sick to make them better'. If you are facing a life filled with chemotherapy (and all sorts of fun tests and procedures), is that much of a life? The constant scanxiety of 'we will give you an MRI/PET/CT every three months to monitor the progress and the success of your treatment'. That's living in a world of scanxiety.

Then I think well some day, we will run out of things that can be wrong with me and I will feel better. I will stop going to the damn doctor. I will stop hurting. I will stop taking so many prescriptions. This some day better get here soon.

Okay, I feel like I am being all down and depressing today but recently I have been feeling a bit dragged down by this back pain/hot flashes/lack of sleep combination. Who said 'never underestimate the power of a good night's sleep'? I don't know but its my tag line these days. (And it doesn't help when you can't sleep you lie there and think about all the BAD things...)

Okay, enough already. Yesterday I was busy and overscheduled. Today I am busy and less scheduled so maybe I will get through the work I keep meaning to do. But once it warms up this morning, I am going for a walk outside. Its supposed to be near 60 today but of course, I will be inside at work this afternoon when it is the warmest.

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