The stress is really awful!

Apparently this part of knowing but not knowing is the worst. Until we meet with all the doctors and get some answers and establish a plan the stress is the worst. Luckily that is tomorrow we have all our meetings. Unfortunately, I know we won't get all the answers. They will have to do a lumpectomy and more tests before we know everything.

I alternate between thinking its only stage 1 or 2 and that it is stage 4 and there is nothing they can do. This takes me from semi relaxed to sheer panic. Silly me. I can't remember exactly from the ultrasound - did the radiologist say it was 1 cm or 2 cm. I think that is the difference between stage 1 and 2... That I will find out for sure tomorrow. Then the question of has it spread comes into play. Thats when it gets nasty if it has. Right now I could be convinced that every little ache and pain in my body are the result of a giant web of tumors and cancer cells for which there is no cure... I could also be convinced that I have one little tiny cyst that can be removed and nothing further is needed... This yo-yo part is driving me insane.

Now the other hard part is how do I tell people? I am not up to a bunch of get togethers to tell people nor do I want to talk on the phone. Maybe I am not ready but I know I have to start telling. Its another question for tomorrow - how and when to tell people.

I was awake for about 2 hours last night thinking about this. The lack of sleep is not good. I did sleep in a little today. The cat appreciated that but apparently it made his breakfast a little late. He too shall adapt. Walter is being great and very supportive and will go with me on all my doctors visits tomorrow. I want him there for every meeting so he can be as informed as I am.

Okay. The plan for today, after I go for a walk, fold laundry, and mop the kitchen floor (I have been talking about it for two weeks now and it REALLY needs it) is to be proactive and: work out the list of questions for everyone tomorrow and buy Susan Love's Breast Book. Apparently this is the best resource for understanding everything available. Tonight I will try to get more sleep as well before a day at Lahey.