Tomorrow I have a doctor appointment. Its not a big deal, just a follow up with my rheumatologist, including a discussion of my blood work last week. On the surface its not big deal. I don't expect any big news. Maybe a little tweak in my medications at the most.
But there is always a little (tiny cancer 'what if') voice in the back of my head at every doctor appointment. The question is always 'what if' something isn't right that leads to more testing that leads to something else which finds something 'bad'.
I can't help it. That little voice is an evil thing. Learning how to balance that evil voice is a lifelong journey after cancer. It never goes away. Keeping it quiet is the challenge.
When I had my hysterectomy before breast cancer, nearly 25 years after thyroid cancer, I was compelled to ask my surgeon if there was any chance of cancer there. I couldn't stop myself from asking. She assured me that they would 'slice and dice' to make sure there was none.
And there was none.
After breast cancer, that evil little voice reared grew in volume again. With a vengeance. Its only been over 8 years but that voice tends to sneak into the back of my brain. It tries to tell me that some ache or pain could only be 'really bad'. I can't let it run my life.
But I will go to the doctor tomorrow and tell that stupid little voice to keep quiet. I hope. Maybe if I could leave it behind that would be better.