Its only a number

Last week I was talking with a friend who also has a bad back (and has the same back pain doctor). She said her goal is to have her pain level be a 3 at most each day. I think that's not a bad goal. Her pains I think are steadier than mine. Mine jump around depending on what I am doing. When I go for a walk, I feel it move around my back from a 2 to an 8, sometimes. I just suck it up and deal with it or whine and take my pills, depending on my mood and my pain levels. Maybe if I think of it as just a number, it will be easier to cope.

And then people say to me, 'but at least its not cancer' and there in lies the rub... I can smile and say 'yes at least its not cancer'. But inside the brain of every cancer person is the niggling thought 'not that they have found... yet'. That little 'what if' is buried in every cancer person's brain.

When I go to the doctor, they always ask me if I feel safe at home (yes) and what is my pain level. I have to think about that one. Which doctor am I seeing so which pain level do they care about. Is my ankle hurting again or just my back or am I have muscle cramps from my Femara or is it just a plain old headache. I have to then think how much pain is which body part causing. Then when I say my back is a 4 or a 7 or a 3 (if its a good day), I have to add that I am seeing the pain clinic already.

Today is another number - predicted high of 92, with high humidity. Sounds lovely, and oppressive. How fun. I am meeting a friend for a walk - when it will be really nasty. But if I am feeling overheated, maybe I can ignore my back pain.

Yesterday I was extremely productive. In addition to going for a walk and doing laundry, I caught up on my DVR recordings and watched the cat take an extensive nap under the coffee table. He snored.